Horny Anonymous: Why Rough Sex?

  By Anonymous

I’m zipping down the road recently, after having had some pretty ferocious sex, when my companion turns to me as if she’s just discovered a cure for AIDS and exclaims, “Sex is a lot of work.”


My jaw drops, and I look at her, dumbfounded for a few minutes. Finally, I laugh and counter with, “You think you’re worked over. How about me?” After all, I was the worker bee who was doing most of the strenuous stuff.

It’s like trying to figure out who is getting more punishment, the nail that’s getting pounded, or the board it’s going into. I say the nail every time. The chicas might object to my bias, but write in; let’s haggle.

Now, mind you, I hadn’t had a workout of this magnitude since that dumb-ass seventh-grade President’s Physical Fitness Exam, and it makes me very curious, so I pose this question to the lady who’s riding shotgun: “Why do so many women like to get pummeled?”

She guffaws (one of those after-good-sex guffaws), loves the adjective, and what follows between us is an in-depth rap session on the topic.

She starts by asking me if this is a common phenomenon with my shag partners. I smile in the affirmative, and tell her that “harder”is one of the first words out of their mouths. (Actually it occurs several minutes after the phrase “wrong hole!”). I then ask her if that’s how she always likes it -- rough-and-tumble. Her answer is, yes, the more aggressive the better. (All righty then! I am “the rock ... I am an island.” Brace yourself, honey. Incoming!)

A quick tour through my past experience and something definitely sticks out in my mind: I have to guestimate that at least half of my sexual partners (and I am not naming numbers here!) weren’t able to climax unless I was nailing away at them as if I were working on the railroad all the livelong day.

Is this you, ladies? Do you find that you love to hear the sound of the bed slamming against the wall like a 7.2 earthquake is shaking it? What about you, guys? How many times have you been there? The ol’ jackhammer screw? San Andreas Fault splitting apart at the seams?

Speaking for my anonymous self, I prefer the slow, deep thrust approach, because that incredible sensation of warmth that you women make us feel once we’re inside your luscious love tunnel, is quickly erased when we start frantically mining for oil like a twanging, 10-gallon-hat-wearing Texas tycoon.

Then all we do is worry: Are you OK? We think: Jesus, am I killing her? Should I call 911? My mother? Help! They never taught us this in school. Maybe instead of the President’s Physical Fitness Exam, they should have ... oh yeah, it was called Sex-Ed … a lot we learned in there!

For any of you perpetual members of the H.A. club, who have an inkling to explore your sexuality beyond Men’s Health or Cosmo, I highly recommend Robin Baker’s compelling book, Sperm Wars. Here’s a quote:

Rough-and-tumble sex play is a common element in the courtship of humans and many other animals ... Such behavior has many facets, and all of them involve an interplay between mate selection by females and the display of quality by males ... On average, men who are physically able to overcome the final defenses of a female and achieve insemination leave more offspring than those who are not.

My only criticism is that everything Baker speaks of points to our instinctual motives, focusing everything on the mammal in us all, and in the process, neglecting our human side and our supposedly higher power of reason. (Tell that to Mr. Happy!)

And in human terms: Maybe rough sex is just a thin veil disguising another truth: Men and women have a difficult time being intimate with each other.

This is obviously a battle between two different camps. In this corner, “the serious screw,” and in the other corner, “making love.” The animal versus the human. “Me Tarzan, you Jane” versus “Me Romeo, you Juliet.” Wait, Romeo and Juliet committed suicide because they couldn’t have each other, maybe a bad example, but nevertheless, I asketh of you: Why is it so hard for us to get past the primal screw?

Is it because our animal is stronger than our anima (soul) and power of reason combined?

True, there is a time and place for everything, and if a man were to make love to his woman like the oh-so sensitive Kenny G. everyday, and she countered with the daintiness of a prima ballerina, things might get a little stale. Indeed, the “me sweaty football jock, you slutty cheerleader” romp is not bad sometimes, but when it becomes routine, and a hump we can’t get over, what’s that saying about our capacity to love?

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