Coaching Position Wanted

  By Rick Cipes
To whom it may concern:
Please accept my resume and consider me for your head coaching position. I am ready to continue kicking ass on and off the court (including my player's asses). Remind the Athletic Director I am the man in charge and let the secretary know she will speak when spoken to and not engage me in any unnecessary conversation.

Regards,

Coach Knight

Robert Montgomery Knight


Bloomington, IN
Home Phone: (812) BIG-PIMP
GOAL
To bring unheralded attention to a college basketball program using outlandish behavior

QUALIFICATIONS
4th winningest college basketball coach of all-time
3 National Championships
Firm Disciplinarian
Psychotic
Husband

WORK HISTORY
1972-2000
Head Basketball Coach, University Indiana
Used basketball court to instill fear and manhood into young men

1966-1971 Head Basketball Coach, Army
Developed hazing techniques to scare the crap out of recruits

EDUCATION
1960-1962 B.S. History, Ohio State University
President, Committee to Ban Rock 'n' Roll
Anger Management Counselor
CAREER HIGHLIGHTS
1960 Went 0-for-1 with one personal foul in win over Cal in NCAA title game
1979 Charged in absentia for hitting Puerto Rican policeman during Pan American Games and sentenced to six months in jail. Puerto Rican government dropped efforts to extradite me.
1980 Fired a blank shot from a starter's pistol at reporter Russ Brown "to keep from going nuts."
1981 Shoved fan into garbage can at Final Four.
1984 Called Michigan coach Bill Frieder a "chicken shit son of a bitch" twice on the court during a game and once in the post-game press conference.
1985 Tossed chair across court during game and almost wounded fans in the wheelchair section.
1987 Took the ball and team and traveled home, midway through a game with the Soviet Union, because I didn't like the officiating.
1988 Told Connie Chung, "If rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it."
1992 Barred female reporter from locker room, and eventually all reporters.
Whipped Calbert Cheaney with a towel during practice at the West Regional.
1993 Kicked my son Patrick during a game vs. Notre Dame.
1998 Ejected after three technical fouls on Senior Night (remarkable considering it only takes two T's for an ejection).
1999 Accidentally shot hunting partner in back. Sited for failure to report incident.
Shouted "Who's your daddy now?" to Northwestern U. student section after defeating them 69-62 in OT.
2000 Video revealed me choking former guard Neil Reed during the 1997 season.
Grabbed student by the arm and cursed at him for not addressing me in the proper way "Coach Knight."
Fired because Indiana University didn't see things the way I saw them.
SPECIAL SKILLS
Screaming, Yelling, Kicking, Choking, Chair Throwing, Berating the Media

TURN-OFFS
Irrespective Punks, Low-lives, Gangstas, Democrats, Reporters, Sissies, Myles Brand, Wussies, Butch Carter, Candy-asses, Luke Recker, et al.

TURN-ONS
Oprah, Bible Study, BDSM