Coaching Position Wanted
By Rick Cipes
| To whom it may concern: Please accept my resume and consider me for your head coaching position. I am ready to continue kicking ass on and off the court (including my player's asses). Remind the Athletic Director I am the man in charge and let the secretary know she will speak when spoken to and not engage me in any unnecessary conversation. Regards, Coach Knight |
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Robert Montgomery Knight Bloomington, IN Home Phone: (812) BIG-PIMP |
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| GOAL To bring unheralded attention to a college basketball program using outlandish behavior QUALIFICATIONS 4th winningest college basketball coach of all-time 3 National Championships Firm Disciplinarian Psychotic Husband |
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| WORK HISTORY | |
| 1972-2000 |
Head Basketball Coach, University Indiana Used basketball court to instill fear and manhood into young men |
| 1966-1971 | Head Basketball Coach, Army Developed hazing techniques to scare the crap out of recruits |
| EDUCATION | |
| 1960-1962 | B.S. History, Ohio State University President, Committee to Ban Rock 'n' Roll Anger Management Counselor |
| CAREER HIGHLIGHTS | |
| 1960 | Went 0-for-1 with one personal foul in win over Cal in NCAA title game |
| 1979 | Charged in absentia for hitting Puerto Rican policeman during Pan American Games and sentenced to six months in jail. Puerto Rican government dropped efforts to extradite me. |
| 1980 | Fired a blank shot from a starter's pistol at reporter Russ Brown "to keep from going nuts." |
| 1981 | Shoved fan into garbage can at Final Four. |
| 1984 | Called Michigan coach Bill Frieder a "chicken shit son of a bitch" twice on the court during a game and once in the post-game press conference. |
| 1985 | Tossed chair across court during game and almost wounded fans in the wheelchair section. |
| 1987 | Took the ball and team and traveled home, midway through a game with the Soviet Union, because I didn't like the officiating. |
| 1988 | Told Connie Chung, "If rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it." |
| 1992 | Barred female reporter from locker room, and eventually
all reporters. Whipped Calbert Cheaney with a towel during practice at the West Regional. |
| 1993 | Kicked my son Patrick during a game vs. Notre Dame. |
| 1998 | Ejected after three technical fouls on Senior Night (remarkable considering it only takes two T's for an ejection). |
| 1999 | Accidentally shot hunting partner in back. Sited for
failure to report incident. Shouted "Who's your daddy now?" to Northwestern U. student section after defeating them 69-62 in OT. |
| 2000 | Video revealed me choking former guard Neil Reed during
the 1997 season. Grabbed student by the arm and cursed at him for not addressing me in the proper way … "Coach Knight." Fired because Indiana University didn't see things the way I saw them. |
| SPECIAL SKILLS Screaming, Yelling, Kicking, Choking, Chair Throwing, Berating the Media TURN-OFFS Irrespective Punks, Low-lives, Gangstas, Democrats, Reporters, Sissies, Myles Brand, Wussies, Butch Carter, Candy-asses, Luke Recker, et al. TURN-ONS Oprah, Bible Study, BDSM |
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