Rules Girl vs. Horny Guy

The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, is a former N.Y. Times bestseller and a popular dating guide for women worldwide.

Venus Corner: Tammy is a 32-year-old divorcee from Minnesota who works in the marketing field.

Mars Corner: Carl is a 35-year-old, single, account executive for Dell computers, also from Minnesota.

Tammy: I am not a woman. I am a product. As a product I must always look and feel my best so I will be the most desirable woman I can be to the opposite sex. Secondly, I am a Rules Girl who is a creature unlike any other (Rule #1). A beautiful, glowing goddess who will make Mr. Right obsess about me 24/7, to the point where he won’t just want to marry me, but be crazy about me forever, and together, we’ll live happily ever after, in a marriage truly made in Heaven.

Carl: I thought she had a great ass when I first saw her at the bake sale. She had one of those repressed-religious demeanors that makes you want to do them up the forbidden zone.

Tammy: I believe in the premise of the Rules, that we never make anything happen, that we believe in the natural order of things--namely that man pursues woman. And I will do anything I have to do to be pursued by a man, which includes getting myself out there whenever possible and doing anything I can to be recognized. I go to dances, tennis parties (even though I don’t play tennis, oops), Club Med, singles events, put out personal-ads, get set-up by friends, and even participate in church bake sales.

Carl: Her tits were a bit on the saggy side, but her, more than perfect, pouty lips made up for that. I could just imagine them bobbing on my knob all night long.

Tammy: I stuck to my Rules morals and did not speak to him, nor look at him the entire afternoon (Rule #2), though I could feel his eyes on me at all times, and I could tell he had a lot of admiration for me.

Carl: I was imagining spanking that tight ass while she was working my shaft with those lips.

Tammy: If a man wants to get to know me, he had better go after me and not sit back all cool and think that I would ever actually be the iniator of contact. When a man wants to go out with me, he should be ready to tell the world about it.

Carl: All afternoon I just wanted to walk right up to her, and say out loud: It looks like you really need a good fucking. My place?

Tammy: I just went about selling my brownies and donating my time to the wonderful cause of raising money for the starving children of Western Africa. I am, after all, one of God’s worker bees.

Carl: Contrary to popular belief, I was not at church that day for God.

Tammy: I was just pulling out of the church parking lot when he must’ve decided that he just had to have me, because he sprinted across that parking lot so fast, that you would think he had ants in his pants. Hehe. LOL.

Carl: I happened to be walking across the parking lot when she drove by me and stopped to roll down her window and ask me for the time.

Tammy: He motioned for me to roll down my window and I pretended like I didn’t know what he meant for a few moments. When I finally did oblige him and he started to talk to me, I played my cards close to the vest (like any good Rules Girl would!) and made sure not to look at him much. It’s at this time that I noticed how beautiful the trees on the church grounds were.

Carl: I wanted to skip all the ceaseless small-talk and cut right to the chase, banging the shit out of her, but she just wouldn’t stop yapping.

Tammy: After a few minutes of his questions I looked at my watch and told him I had to be somewhere, playing coy and hard-to-get like any Rules Girl worth her salt. This is when he got it in gear and asked me out, and even though I thought his invitation was truly romantic, I didn’t let on one iota. Ten points for me, girlfriend!

Carl: I asked her if she wanted to go grab a pizza and go back to my place and watch some football, so I could do her doggy style, but she turned me down and offered me her phone number instead.

Tammy: I had him eating out of the palm of my hand, and he practically had to get down on is knees and beg me for my phone number. After the third begging I finally gave in. As I drove away, I glanced at the rearview mirror and saw the beautiful creature unlike any other that I am, and smiled knowingly: The rules had begun! I had him just where I wanted him.

Carl: When I picked her up for our “date,” she was wearing this slutty looking dress that made me want to rape her right then and there.

Tammy: A girl should always dress conservatively on a first date. You want your man to be counting the ways that he’d like to see more of your manicured, toned and tan, beautiful body. And never compliment him on how he looks, because that’s his job to do for you. And always let him pick where you are going to go on the first date. Establish that he is in control and see how he handles it. Because a man that can’t take control, well, usually is a man who’s probably a homosexual anyway.

Carl: I took her to this crappy little Italian restaurant where I knew we could get semi-edible pasta for under ten bucks a plate, and get out of there in less than an hour so I could get her back to my place for the loosey-goosey bang-a-thon.

Tammy: We went to this quaint little Italian restaurant where the Hispanic waiters even spoke Italian. I however, did not speak a lot, Italian or English, nor look at him (Rule #3) more than once every three minutes or so, but I was enjoying myself immensely, and never realized all the care people put into ceiling tiles.

Carl: She wasn’t looking at me a lot during dinner so I was able to sneak a lot of peeks at her tits in that flimsy dress, and they were starting to look pretty good after eight beers. She didn’t talk much either, and I had to make all the conversation, which led me to believe that maybe she was raised by a pack of wolves or something.

Tammy: Men love a challenge--that’s why they play sports and fight wars and raid corporations. The worst thing a Rules Girl can do is to make it easier for them. And when it came time for the check to come, I slyly excused myself to go to the powder room. (Note: A Rules Girl never goes to the “bathroom.”) Thereby I left him to do his manly obligation: paying for dinner, at least until the third date (Rule #4), and I went to do a number two. After all, we weren’t friends or co-workers going “dutch.” I was a product on the market, a creature unlike any other, destined to go to the highest bidder. And I want to know that the man thinks the money he spends on me is well worth it, and I feel honored and happy when he does so, and there is no reason I need to feel guilty.

Carl: I find it kind of odd that she managed to excuse herself just when the check came. In most cases, if a woman at least offers to help pay, it shows that she’s not a calculating bitch, and then I always will pick up the tab anyway. So I paid the damn bill and waitied for her to get out of the “powder room.” I didn’t know what the hell she was powdering in there but it took close to fifteen minutes. I couldn’t wait much longer for “it,” and when she finally got out of the can I immediately went into Plan B: Trying to get a blowjob in the parking lot.

Tammy: We got to his car and it was so chivalrous when he opened the door for me.

Carl: I opened her car door for her because I wanted to box her in so I could jam my tongue down her throat, and squeeze her tight ass.

Tammy: He tried to kiss me on my lips and I turned my cheek. A Rules Girl never kisses on the lips for the first three dates!

Carl: She was frigid just like I thought. I started the car and cranked up the tunes as loud as possible. I drove her home as quickly as possible without breaking any major traffic laws.

Tammy: We arrived at my home and he was the perfect gentleman, opening my car door for me once again, and even walking me to my front stoop!

Carl: I pulled up to her pad and tried to stick my tongue down her throat once more, while I grabbed her tits, but she jumped out and scurried for the safety of her nest.

Tammy: He did what the perfect gentleman would do and told me that he would like to see me again sometime soon. I was really flattered but did not let on. I told him that I would have to check my upcoming calender and that he should call me sometime. At which time I would never return his calls (Rule #5).

Carl: There was no way in hell that I would ever lift a finger to call this prissy prude again. In fact, I was so pent up and frustrated by her that I went immediatley to the liquor store to buy a Playboy so I could go home and jerk-off. It was a grudge jerk-off.

Tammy: The next afternoon I was walking my cat when I saw him pass by me in his car. He smiled and waved at me and made me feel special all over.

Carl: “It’s frigid bitches like you that make horny men like me want to turn gay!”

Tammy: The next day I made an appointment with a therapist, being careful not to tell him that I was a Rules Girl (Rule #31).