Girl vs. Horny Guy
The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing
the Heart of Mr. Right, is a former N.Y.
Times bestseller and a popular dating guide
for women worldwide.
Venus Corner: Tammy is a 32-year-old divorcee
from Minnesota who works in the marketing
Mars Corner: Carl is a 35-year-old, single,
account executive for Dell computers, also
Tammy: I am not a woman. I am a product. As
a product I must always look and feel my best
so I will be the most desirable woman I can
be to the opposite sex. Secondly, I am a Rules
Girl who is a creature unlike any other (Rule
#1). A beautiful, glowing goddess who will
make Mr. Right obsess about me 24/7, to the
point where he won’t just want to marry me,
but be crazy about me forever, and together,
we’ll live happily ever after, in a marriage
truly made in Heaven.
Carl: I thought she had a great ass when I
first saw her at the bake sale. She had one
of those repressed-religious demeanors that
makes you want to do them up the forbidden
Tammy: I believe in the premise of the Rules,
that we never make anything happen, that we
believe in the natural order of things--namely
that man pursues woman. And I will do anything
I have to do to be pursued by a man, which
includes getting myself out there whenever
possible and doing anything I can to be recognized.
I go to dances, tennis parties (even though
I don’t play tennis, oops), Club Med, singles
events, put out personal-ads, get set-up by
friends, and even participate in church bake
Carl: Her tits were a bit on the saggy side,
but her, more than perfect, pouty lips made
up for that. I could just imagine them bobbing
on my knob all night long.
Tammy: I stuck to my Rules morals and did
not speak to him, nor look at him the entire
afternoon (Rule #2), though I could feel his
eyes on me at all times, and I could tell
he had a lot of admiration for me.
Carl: I was imagining spanking that tight
ass while she was working my shaft with those
Tammy: If a man wants to get to know me, he
had better go after me and not sit back all
cool and think that I would ever actually
be the iniator of contact. When a man wants
to go out with me, he should be ready to tell
the world about it.
Carl: All afternoon I just wanted to walk
right up to her, and say out loud: It looks
like you really need a good fucking. My place?
Tammy: I just went about selling my brownies
and donating my time to the wonderful cause
of raising money for the starving children
of Western Africa. I am, after all, one of
God’s worker bees.
Carl: Contrary to popular belief, I was not
at church that day for God.
Tammy: I was just pulling out of the church
parking lot when he must’ve decided that he
just had to have me, because he sprinted across
that parking lot so fast, that you would think
he had ants in his pants. Hehe. LOL.
Carl: I happened to be walking across the
parking lot when she drove by me and stopped
to roll down her window and ask me for the
Tammy: He motioned for me to roll down my
window and I pretended like I didn’t know
what he meant for a few moments. When I finally
did oblige him and he started to talk to me,
I played my cards close to the vest (like
any good Rules Girl would!) and made sure
not to look at him much. It’s at this time
that I noticed how beautiful the trees on
the church grounds were.
Carl: I wanted to skip all the ceaseless small-talk
and cut right to the chase, banging the shit
out of her, but she just wouldn’t stop yapping.
Tammy: After a few minutes of his questions
I looked at my watch and told him I had to
be somewhere, playing coy and hard-to-get
like any Rules Girl worth her salt. This is
when he got it in gear and asked me out, and
even though I thought his invitation was truly
romantic, I didn’t let on one iota. Ten points
for me, girlfriend!
Carl: I asked her if she wanted to go grab
a pizza and go back to my place and watch
some football, so I could do her doggy style,
but she turned me down and offered me her
phone number instead.
Tammy: I had him eating out of the palm of
my hand, and he practically had to get down
on is knees and beg me for my phone number.
After the third begging I finally gave in.
As I drove away, I glanced at the rearview
mirror and saw the beautiful creature unlike
any other that I am, and smiled knowingly:
The rules had begun! I had him just where
I wanted him.
Carl: When I picked her up for our “date,”
she was wearing this slutty looking dress
that made me want to rape her right then and
Tammy: A girl should always dress conservatively
on a first date. You want your man to be counting
the ways that he’d like to see more of your
manicured, toned and tan, beautiful body.
And never compliment him on how he looks,
because that’s his job to do for you. And
always let him pick where you are going to
go on the first date. Establish that he is
in control and see how he handles it. Because
a man that can’t take control, well, usually
is a man who’s probably a homosexual anyway.
Carl: I took her to this crappy little Italian
restaurant where I knew we could get semi-edible
pasta for under ten bucks a plate, and get
out of there in less than an hour so I could
get her back to my place for the loosey-goosey
Tammy: We went to this quaint little Italian
restaurant where the Hispanic waiters even
spoke Italian. I however, did not speak a
lot, Italian or English, nor look at him (Rule
#3) more than once every three minutes or
so, but I was enjoying myself immensely, and
never realized all the care people put into
Carl: She wasn’t looking at me a lot during
dinner so I was able to sneak a lot of peeks
at her tits in that flimsy dress, and they
were starting to look pretty good after eight
beers. She didn’t talk much either, and I
had to make all the conversation, which led
me to believe that maybe she was raised by
a pack of wolves or something.
Tammy: Men love a challenge--that’s why they
play sports and fight wars and raid corporations.
The worst thing a Rules Girl can do is to
make it easier for them. And when it came
time for the check to come, I slyly excused
myself to go to the powder room. (Note: A
Rules Girl never goes to the “bathroom.”)
Thereby I left him to do his manly obligation:
paying for dinner, at least until the third
date (Rule #4), and I went to do a number
two. After all, we weren’t friends or co-workers
going “dutch.” I was a product on the market,
a creature unlike any other, destined to go
to the highest bidder. And I want to know
that the man thinks the money he spends on
me is well worth it, and I feel honored and
happy when he does so, and there is no reason
I need to feel guilty.
Carl: I find it kind of odd that she managed
to excuse herself just when the check came.
In most cases, if a woman at least offers
to help pay, it shows that she’s not a calculating
bitch, and then I always will pick up the
tab anyway. So I paid the damn bill and waitied
for her to get out of the “powder room.” I
didn’t know what the hell she was powdering
in there but it took close to fifteen minutes.
I couldn’t wait much longer for “it,” and
when she finally got out of the can I immediately
went into Plan B: Trying to get a blowjob
in the parking lot.
Tammy: We got to his car and it was so chivalrous
when he opened the door for me.
Carl: I opened her car door for her because
I wanted to box her in so I could jam my tongue
down her throat, and squeeze her tight ass.
Tammy: He tried to kiss me on my lips and
I turned my cheek. A Rules Girl never kisses
on the lips for the first three dates!
Carl: She was frigid just like I thought.
I started the car and cranked up the tunes
as loud as possible. I drove her home as quickly
as possible without breaking any major traffic
Tammy: We arrived at my home and he was the
perfect gentleman, opening my car door for
me once again, and even walking me to my front
Carl: I pulled up to her pad and tried to
stick my tongue down her throat once more,
while I grabbed her tits, but she jumped out
and scurried for the safety of her nest.
Tammy: He did what the perfect gentleman would
do and told me that he would like to see me
again sometime soon. I was really flattered
but did not let on. I told him that I would
have to check my upcoming calender and that
he should call me sometime. At which time
I would never return his calls (Rule #5).
Carl: There was no way in hell that I would
ever lift a finger to call this prissy prude
again. In fact, I was so pent up and frustrated
by her that I went immediatley to the liquor
store to buy a Playboy so I could go home
and jerk-off. It was a grudge jerk-off.
Tammy: The next afternoon I was walking my
cat when I saw him pass by me in his car.
He smiled and waved at me and made me feel
special all over.
Carl: “It’s frigid bitches like you that make
horny men like me want to turn gay!”
Tammy: The next day I made an appointment
with a therapist, being careful not to tell
him that I was a Rules Girl (Rule #31).