the Bat Cave Oedipus"
mom is good enough, smart enough, and
doggone it, I love her. As for my girlfriend...well,
So you say you can't find a suitable girlfriend...
Just when you think she is the "perfect
one" and you're ready to annoint her
goddess extrodinairre and about to pledge
your undying faith (on weekends) and commit
to her on an almost full time basis--and then
ask her if she can invite her best friend
over for a tri-bangathon--a major red flag
goes up and she commits a major faux pas (e.g.
she won't sew your name tags on your basketball
shorts before you go to summer camp).
You toss her back in the sea and throw the
proverbial line back in the water for another
fishy, complaining to your friends that she..."just
wasn't enough like my mom."
Warning! Stop, not in the name of love, but
in the name of some kind of shit that goes
down in the South every day. Proceed to the
nearest shrink, do not pass go, do not collect
two hundred dollars, or a half-way healthy
relationship. Yes, you have crossed over into
Oedipusville--you want to murder your father
so you can sleep with your mother. Can you
say: Springer material?
don't want to know how Oedipus' story
Chances are, your dirt is buried so deep you
may not even know it exists. But if you go through
a quiver of women as fast as George W. Bush
lacerates the English syntax, "Houston,
we may have a problem." Yeah, your rocket
wants to blast off in the wrong direction and
the command post needs to turn your ship around
and de-program that incest-infested vessel before
you end up challenging Pa to a Battle of the
Foreskins and wind up being tried in a court
of "your peers." (I don't know about
you, but my peers speak perfect English and
are clever enough to never have to serve on
a fact, some of us like our mothers, others
of us despise them.
Actually let me put it in an equation for
those of you who excelled at math better than
You + Older Women = You did not get enough
mommy-ing (read: love) in your life, you are
seeking compensation; therefore the incessant
hanging out at the Nursing Home.
+ Any Woman who is "not enough"
= Chances are you actually liked your mom
and have set your expectations far too high
for an average woman. By average, I mean,
psychotic, of course.
okay, so now you're asking me: Is there any
way to make it a healthy relationship, Joe?
And I say, yes, but you need to constantly
repeat these affirmations to yourself:
My mom is good enough, smart enough, and doggone
it, I love her. As for my girlfriend...well
she's okay, and that's...okay...for now.
No matter how many wombs I spend a lifetime
trying to climb into, I will never emerge
out again from my mommy's and have free passage
to ride the nipple of my choice.
Click your heels three times: There is no
such thing as perfection, there is no such
thing as perfection, there is no such thing
as...a Maude for you Harold, a Mrs. Robinson
for you Benjamin, a Siefried for you Roy.
If all the above fails to help you, then g'head,
make your own bed, again, Oeddy: Slay your
father, marry your mother, and then when you
find her hung in the bedroom, you can use
her broaches to blind yourself; not how you
used to blind yourself in junior high--with
the National Geographics in the bathroom--nope,
this one will be ugly and make your self-imposed
exile to the bat cave a dark and disturbing
experience. But have no fear, no hugs from
mommy, but maybe you'll find an Al Qaeda freedom
fucker there to comfort you in your doom.
more HMC's in the:
now a message from, not only a member
of the HMC, but also our president,
Hello Kids, have fun getting your lust
on today? We're so happy, we tingle.
We'd even tingle more if you spread
the word of gospel about us.
G'head, Why not tell a horny friend
about us? Like they don't already know
you're fucking horny??
Get over it, the secret's out, you are
forever a member and there is no escape.
Now start shouting it from the roof
And don't be scared to drop in and ask
Joe a question from time to time...as
long as it isn't to drop the soap.
or Comments for Joe?