"Barely Legal -101"

with your guide
Joe Lust

"And when those coeds who are seeking sexual awakening are coming of age, and past the traumatic teen-queen Oxy 10 years, they aren't going to be carrying around that "if you do me, you'd better love me" caveat..."

Older women despise it. When I say older, I mean anyone over the age of say, 25ish, unless of course they're over the age of 25ish but look younger, and for the purposes of this schpiel, a lot younger. The younger the better. Yes, that's right, we're talking about Stalking the Cradle here, or a bangtathalon with the Barley Legal's. And that's when we make the older women feel like retching, or worse: stone us (without ganga), throw us to the lions, do a Lorena Bobbitt on us, etc., etc., ouch--They just get very pissed, irked, their boobs in a bonnet, when they see guys digging on chicks younger than them.

Now there is the argument that the more mature a woman is, well, the more mature she is. Yes, she's been there, done that, and knows how to deal with a man. But unfortunately, most of the time, that includes despising the hell out of our team.

You see, where I think guys get over women much easier, and move on--women, don't seem to get over guys as quickly (read: ever!), and the bitterness seems to fester like a pus-filled canker sore in a dry African heat. Guys: We're just like pissed for one night, screaming, "The bitch! the hoe! the wicked witch of wankers," and then a day or so later we're over it, forgotten about old "what's-her-name," and we're off on our safari, hunting for other prey; leaving the spurned behind at the punch bowl to share theories of sticking it to a voodoo doll made in your own image.

"Oh, yes, daddy, we love the choo-choo train. I think we can..."

That's one of the reason's we dig, crave, want to cuddle? with younger women: They aren't carrying as much baggage when they go through the dysfunctional shit detector. The sweet young felines are more open to fun, and when I say fun, yes, you know what I am saying, we are not talking about long lasting soulmates here, fellahs!--it's the Horny Men's Club, for chrissakes--we're talking about a rollercoaster ride of salacious sexual awakening (the daddy/little girl kink). And when those coeds who are seeking sexual awakening are coming of age, and past the traumatic teen-queen Oxy 10 years, they aren't going to be carrying around that "if you do me, you'd better love me" caveat on their shoulders, because their hormones are still revving off the back straight away, burning through rubbers to find out what the sexual race is really all about from someone other than their prickly prudish Sex-Ed teachers.

It's you, Mr. Macho! You've been there, you've done that before; therefore the ones that really do want to take a lickin' and keep on tickin'--and wish to experience something beyond watching a guy their age come in two minutes--are attracted to you, you big stud muffin. Dude, just like Enrique Inglesias, you can be their hero…without the fucking lisping Latin accent.

And speaking of hormones, that's the other thing that pisses older women off: We're attracted to them, younger babes, because they are just coming into the prime of their childbearing years, usually between the age of 18-25ish. That's why we are drawn to them like Robert Blake to a starfucker, because we've seen our better days and we're aching for one more shot at glory, one more primal prick in the sun, our inner beast going: "Hmmmm, she looks like she's ready to hatch my screaming love-child into this world." As opposed to when we look--okay, lech over an older woman--because the instinct is just not the same. Yeah, she's still hot (old, but hot), in fact, she's Susan Sarandon now, but even so, do we really want to procreate with her? Or do we want something entirely different (and kinky): Like a mommy? Which leads us to what's called an Oedipus Complex, something we'll make sure to cover next week.

Until then, get your rest, you old coots! Because you're going to need it if you ever do happen to score on one of those barely legal's from your chat room stakeout.

Find more HMC's in the:
Archives