Hot is Halle Now?"
right boys, tell me, after seeing Ms. Halle
Berry practically gush into some kind of freak
show bordering on a nervous breakdown at the
Academy Awards, how many of you are still
as eager as you were B.O. (Before Oscar) to
part her seas? How many of your fantasies
ala Halle still exist? Because we all know
she ranked right up there in the top five.
Others in the group (talking actresses) might
include: Julia Roberts, Penelope Cruz, Ashley
Judd, any of the Golden Girls for you sick
fucks, and any young babe that has appeared
on the cover of Maxim Magazine.
But one damn Oscar and the hottie has dropped
berry berry far down on the list. Admit it,
it's a brutal thought, but true: Why the hell
did she have to go and open her mouth??? Tits,
ass, cute face, SAY NO MORE! ASSUME THE POSITION.
And please don't fucking cry!
now I can sense it, a few of you dudes are
saying to yourselves: "I kinda felt for
her. I wish I could have wrapped her up in
my arms and let her have a good long cry."
Then banged the shit out of her. Hey, Master
Bates, if this is you, you have a goddamn
problem, my friend. Time to seek therapy quickly,
because you actually believe you can save
a damsel in distress for more than five minutes,
and are most likely snapping one off right
now dreaming of you and Halle and all the
multiple O's and good vibrations you can give
her. In AOL-speak: ROFLMAO.
I got news for you Boner Man, with 9 out of
10 actresses, just ain't EVER going to happen.
Okay, this is where we're going into Hollywood
Psychology 101, and trust me, living in Hollywood,
I have a friggin' degree in it. Yeah, Joe
Lust has made a few movies. Wink, wink. (Any
aspiring "actresses" send along
your pics and I'll see if I can't work you
into something...like my sack, while videotaping
of course. And don't forget to check out my
fine fandangled website: www.yourvaginaonacastingcouch.com).
the equation goes something like this: Girl
never loved by her father runs away (or just
takes the fucking Greyhound) to Hollywood
to be a famous starlet. But she has no clue
why she wants to be famous, she's just drawn
to it like flies to shit (and yeah, sorry
to say, Halle's does smell, too). But I'll
tell you what's going on deep down inside
her psychotic bod: She yearns to be loved
(note: not fucked), not just by one man (dear
old fucking dickwad dad), but the entire fucking
world! And you know how many actresses this
ever happens to? You know how many actually
do one-up their dear old fucking abusive dickhead
dad? Um, like buy a lotto ticket and you've
got the odds, Pete Rose.
Enlightened? Want to buy the book? Fucked
Up Hollywood Freaks. Because after one
night of a lot of phony ass-kissing, it's
back to business as usual in Hollywood today:
Insecure backstabbing a-holes doing anything
they can to get to the top of the mountain.
Halle's there today, on the top, weeping her
cute ass off (and it ain't because she's the
first black actress to get there, that's a
load of shit, it's all about her), but the
really sick disgusting fucking dysfunctional
thing about it is: 48 hours from now she'll
be right back to sitting on her therapist's
couch freaking and popping Paxil for her recurring
case of the daddy-doesn't-love-me blues.
And yeah, she killed my buzz too, dude. Without
even having a seat on my casting couch first.