WASHINGTON
- Because of a slumping economy, President Bush made a move
to avoid his father's fate of a one-term presidency this week
when he told Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill and economic adviser
Larry Lindsey that they have been appointed "fall guys"
and both should immediately "take a flying leap off the
wings of a paranoid political party." Unable to take a
flying leap is a paltry sum that has absolutely no chance at
affecting our economy--the $99
billion to a possible $1.9 trillion it may cost us to go to
war with Iraq, which of course is just a tad under the $2.1
trillion Michael Jackson spent on plastic surgery last month.
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"Like
Mr. President, I understand that when 'things' are slumping,
it's best to cut something off so you don't have to worry
about it ever coming back to trouble you...like my willy."
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| SANTA
MARIA, Calif. - Itsy Bitsy Michael |
Speaking
of doctors, last week a judge ordered the King of Pop to undergo
a medical examination and bring the court back a note from his
doctor after the pop star failed to show up for a court date because
of <drumroll> a vicious spider bite.
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To:
Judge Tito Von Straus
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"Dear
Mr. Straus:
Please excuse my patient, Mr. Michael Donatella Jackson,
for missing court on Wednesday. Unfortunately, Mr. Jackson
encountered an extremely large Daddy Long Legs in his
oxygen tank and wound up with a ferocious bite the size
of a grape on his left foot, causing the right side of
his face to almost fall off and his left testicle to jump
from the formaldehyde jar on his dresser. After extensive
treatment, I was fortunately able to release Mr. Jackson
to the personal care of his monkeys. In addition, please
excuse Mr. Jackson from any physical activity for the
next month--that includes any Moonwalking in and out of
the courtroom."
Yours Truly,
Dr.
Phil
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| BAGHDAD
- Iraq Not Putting on a Smiling Face
:( |
Iraq
replied sharply Wednesday over U.N. weapons inspectors' surprise
intrusion into one of Saddam Hussein's presidential palaces, accusing
the arms experts of being spies for Washington and Israel. And
we can only say, "Um, yeah. Isn't that the point, ya Blockheads?"
Meanwhile, Iraq denies it possesses any kind of banned weapons.
However, in the 1,098,029 page declaration they submitted to the
U.N., they have admitted to possessing thousands of bootleg copies
of Baywatch, millions of blow-up Teletubbie dolls and one
autograph picture of Whoopie Goldberg.
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"I'm
flattered an Iraqi brother finds me sexy. Let the main
man know I'm available for Bar Mitzvahs and toga parties."
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The entire Iraqi cabinet also confessed that they can now easily
identify all the horses with no names that they rode through the
desert on, and in fact, have gone out of their way to connect
with their horse "friends" while their wives were stowed
away at the Allah Abdullah Air Jordan Factory.
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"It
just felt good to get out of the rain...and have all those
handsome suitors ride us."
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LONDON
- W. Pun Doesn't Sit Well With Ass-Kissers
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A
British advertising watchdog said it was banning a commercial
for an animated comedy series because it pokes fun at President
Bush without his permission. The offending ad shows Bush opening
a copy of the comedy series video and saying, "My favorite
- just pop it in the video player.'' He then mistakes the toaster
for the VCR and burns the tape.
In a related story, several Republican senators questioned the
ability of the President to tell the difference, not only between
a VCR and toaster, but an Al Qaeda virgin and actor Jamie Farr.
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"My
country tis a vi...For you, Mr. President, I only sing
in my best stockings. Shall I continue?"
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| ATLANTA
-Gore Asks Larry King to Pull His Finger |
When
asked by Larry King if he was going to run for president in 2004,
Al Gore responded by sticking out his finger and saying: "That's
like asking, 'if you pull my finger will it smell or not?'...I
ate Taco Bell, Larry. Can you say 'kaboom?' My ass will still
be running in 2004."
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Entertainment
Dysfunction
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HOLLYWOOD - Muchos congratulations to George Lopez who was recently
named the WORST Hispanic comedian ever to have his own television
show…of course the competition was fierce between him and that one
other Hispanic dude, What's His Name.
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"You
wouldn't be saying this chit if I was Black. You'd be calling
me the 21st Century Bill Cosby."
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Actually,
the only thing we would be calling him is atrocious. Kudos
to ABC for choosing the absolute worst possible Hispanic show to
reinforce the stereotype that Hispanics should be regulated to jobs
as either supporting actors or just plain old leaf blowers.
| HOLLYWOOD-Whitney
Confesses Sin & Seduction |
In
an interview with the Queen of Gab Diane Sawyer, Whitney Houston
admitted that she's been ''addicted to a few things'' through the
years. A partial list of a few of her favorite things includes:
alcohol,
marijuana, cocaine, pills, the BET Network and an extramarital affair
with heart throb actor Vern Troyer (aka Mini Me).
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"It's
not always size that counts with me. I mean, Bobby is huge...but
all that hugeness does nothing if he's impotent and strung
out on crack. Vern really knows a thing or two about humping
more than a lady's leg. And, yes, I am assuming I am that
lucky lady."
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| BEVERLY
HILLS - Winona Freed! |
Actress
Winona Ryder was spared jail time on Friday for shoplifting thousands
of dollars in designer goods, but was ordered by a Beverly Hills
judge to serve three years probation and undergo counseling to come
to grips with a guilt she adamantly refuses to admit: She is one
seriously f*cked up individual.
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"I
only appear f*cked up because I am doing research for every
part I have ever played. If you knew me in real life you
would think I was completely normal. Come to think of it,
if I knew me in real life, I may think I'm completely normal
too."
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| HOLLYWOOD
- Cage Can't Adapt to Matrimony |
Fresh
on the heels of his new starring vehicle, Adaptation, Nicholas
Cage has filed for divorce from Lisa Marie Presley after
failing to "adapt" to a psychotic person more emotionally
disabled than himself. Not all the news is negative out of the Cage/Presley
Camp as the happy couple took home the coveted Liz Taylor Award,
a prize given to the couple with the longest Hollywood wedding of
the half-year. The Cage/Presley marriage lasted four whopping months,
setting a fine example for the J. Lo's and Ben Affleck's everywhere.
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"You
see, like I am the devil? It was all my fault with Lisa?
Na, na, na, na, I'm not the only loony in town." |
| LONDON
- Oasis Brat Puts Mouth Into It |
Liam
Gallagher of Oasis was hit by a Wonderwall of
his own last week after a brawl in a Munich hotel which left him
with no front teeth and the ultimate definitive answer: WE HAVE
SEEN THE BEATLES, AND YOU, MY FRIENDS AT OASIS, ARE NO BEATLES.
Ever.
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"I'm not all cuddly like Ringo, you motherf*ckers. If it's
one song I can play this time of year, it's doing the Nutcracker
Suite upside your head. Who's next, eh?"
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| NEW
YORK - Rosie Kicks Pants Up a Notch Higher |
Rosie
O'Donnell became the proud father of a baby girl this week when
his girlfriend Kelli Carpenter gave birth to a 6 pounds, 6 ounces,
19 inches long, future seriously screwed up human being.
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"I'm
dreaming of Genie, because to change my fate I'm going
to need one."
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"A
plague on your house Comedy Ave!!!!!"
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MIAMI
- After more than 1,000 passengers recently became sick on cruise
ships, the Nickelodeon Network decided to try to capitalize on
the moment by offering travelers a safe, "exciting and new"
alternative cruise...
| GENEVA
- Another F'd-Up Hussein |
A human
rights group formally demanded that the IOC expel Iraq's
national
Olympic committee because its chief--Saddam Hussein's eldest son
Uday--tortured and jailed athletes who failed to please him. Pictured
below is one of the surviving athletes.
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B.F.E.
- Angelina Jolie Emerges From Fog
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Actress
Angelina Jolie woke up from a 36-hour nap this week in an unidentified
Third World Country and threw a major hissy fit when she noticed
that she was having an extremely bad hair day and that there just
may be more important things in life than going "Around the
World With 80 Babies."
| "Yeah,
like shit, going around the world as a Bond Girl...My breasts
can act as good as Halle Berry's. And what has she adopted
lately, other than a case of the clap and that phony acceptance
speech at last year's Oscars? I have me a Baby Madison, Billy
Bob's eternal jar of semen and the worst f*cking agent anywhere.
You're fired Shecky." |
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PORTLAND
- The Great White Trash Hope?
|
In
an effort to parlay her good lucks and charm into a long and lasting
career, Tonya Harding announced her goal to be a future, undisputed
bantamweight boxing champion. "My proven athletic ability
and competitive nature will help this dream become a reality,"
the 31-year-old Trailer Trash poster child said.
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"Trust
me, whoever my first opponent is, they are going down...and
I don't shave there."
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Here's
hoping her first opponent wields a weed whacker and goes by the
name of Godzilla, not Paula Jones.
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HOLLYWOOD-Animal,
Vegetable or Richard Gere?
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Richard
Gere has been named winner of the Plain English Campaign's award
for talking gibberish. Gere picked up the Foot In Mouth prize
for the year's most baffling celebrity quote. Commenting to a
newspaper about rumors of his sexual orientation and marriages
he said, "I know who I am. No-one else knows who I am. If I was
a giraffe and somebody said I was a snake, I'd think, 'no, actually
I'm a giraffe'."
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"Listen,
whatever the hell he says, I can tell you one thing: He
ain't no fuckin' giraffe. And thank the lord our kind
can't fit up his ass."
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| NORTHERN
CALIFORNIA - Big Feet, Big Legend |
The
family of the man who invented the Big Foot legend admitted their
recently departed kin began the Sasquatch hype by using 16-inch
feet-shaped carvings to plant Big Foot's footprints. In a related
story, Kris Kringle phoned to let us know that he is still "alive"
and plans to slip his feet down your chimney and the North Pole
down your mother in about two weeks time.
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"Cool.
I hope she's on pill."
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| SAN
FRANCISCO -Global Warming Melts President |
Scientists
said Saturday that not only are the
northernmost reaches of the Earth warming, reducing the sea ice
across the Arctic Ocean, melting the ice sheet in Greenland and
spreading shrubs into the Alaskan tundra, but also at the rate
global warming is going, President Bush's entire brain should
be out of focus by the year 2004.
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Spoken
(Last) Word with Colin Powell: "Eyes
piercing, laser-like, as I strive to penetrate one's ignorant
brain and all the things insane. Mind, wondering, searches
for signs of intelligent life, alas the brotha says: hand
me my knife. Betrayal of Jesus, Judas is my life, may
I take a bath in your blood after I rape & pillage
your wife? Word.
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