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EASTERN
CONFERENCE - Atlantic Division
Hey, Celt fans, let's talk a 96-3 record. Those are the
numbers incoming Fab Frosh, Kendrick Perkins, led his high
school team to. Now he's in the Big Show. Have fun watching
Pierce chuck up a gazillion shots, and try to avoid getting
stink-breathe from Vin Baker. |
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Welcome to the Pat Riley and Lamar Odom Mutual Admiration
Society. That lasted long. Lamar didn't even have a chance
to get busted yet. |
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A new Mourning in Jersey? Naw. Same team, same
game, same outcome:
B-O-R-I-N-G.
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Across
the Hudson, the Knicks are praying their Mac-dice comes
up seven. As in: Can Antonio stay healthy for more than
seven games? Regardless, Gotham City will be foiled once
again. Poor Mathew Modine, first his career, now this.
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With
their heart-and-soul gone -- not Grant Hill, but Darrel
Armstrong -- look for the same ole routine: It's T-Mac's
game and you other dudes are just pretending in it.
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After
years of depression, Larry Brown finally rang the Liberty
Bell -- leaving Iverson in charge of a puppet government
second in stature only to Afghanistan's.
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"Okay, let's get this straight: Under no circumstances should
any of you want to be like Mike." Losers. That includes
you, Stack. Can you say: bad karma. |
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Central
Division
"Shareef
don't like it..." Neither would you, if you were trying
to rock the Kasbah from Atlanta.
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He's
back! See the Scottie Pippen Farewell Tour. But for it to
be truly amazing, he'll have to push the kids into being
more than all right. |
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We don't care if LeBron is the Second Coming of Christ with
better passing ability. He's going to be looking at the
games from one perspective - the loss column. |
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Okay, so he'll almost be able to field an All-Euro starting
team. Is Larry Brown that bitter with our homebred prima
donnas? Can someone tell Darvin Ham to shatter another backboard?
It's sure to win a 2004 MTV Award for the Most Exciting
Moment in the Eastern Conference.
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There's a new Sheriff Larry in town, but that doesn't mean
Jermaine will mature enough to produce anything other than
some cool corn-rows. "Reggie for three!" So what. We'd rather
watch a Spike Lee Joint.
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T.J. Ford, welcome to the NBA. Did we mention you actually
have to score in this league? For career arc, see: Mateen
Cleaves. |
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If healthy, one of the only teams that can give Jersey a
run to become NBA Silver Medallists. |
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| Chris
Bosh will add a little game to Toronto, but the main attraction
will still be Vince Carter trying to live up to his own
hype. (Reader insert SARS joke here.) |
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WESTERN
CONFERENCE - Midwest Division
The
rabble-rousing Mark Cuban added two Ants, an Icelandic,
and an intern from Supercuts. Count on the Hair Bunch
to be as exciting as hell -- and just as burnt when it
comes to the playoffs. |
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Carmelo
for Rookie of the Year. The Nuggets for team hara-kiri.
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Van
Gundy comes in and tells Little Stevie there's a talented
country in the middle and the ball's going through it
every time. The Rockets get respectable, while Van Gundy
gets a stay of relief from visiting cross-dressing bars
with Marv Albert. |
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Jerry
West has assembled one of the best college all-star teams
ever! |
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Kevin.
Latrell. Sam I Am. There's enough mouth on this three-headed
monster to be called the new Axis of Evil. But can they
walk the walk? (Bye, Wally.) |
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If
Popovich can put this eccentric recipe together, he deserves
to be on the ballot in 2004. |
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"And
now, starting at Power Forward for YOUR Utah Jazz: Keon
Clark." Enough said. |
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Pacific
Division
Did
you hear? The French Jordan has arrived. But then again,
so has Nick Van Exel. Look for emphasis to be put on making
nightly Sportscenter highlights.
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Wow.
We have to hand it to Elton Brand -- for being willing
to go down with the ship. It must be nice being a young
millionaire in Los Angeles.
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Get
ready for another season of As the Lakers Turn.
With perhaps the best team ever assembled, they needed
some drama to make it interesting. Can you find Waldo?
The one 19-year-old girl in the entire world that wouldn't
willingly play in Kobe's court. |
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Can
Stephon step-up for a whole season? We know the Matrix
will have no problem getting it up. |
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Truth:
The Blazers have a NEW! Player Code of Conduct. And, get
this, irony of ironies, they drafted a kid of high school
named Outlaw.
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With
Ralph Nader no longer defending their court, the Fun Bunch
picked up Shaq's favorite phantom punching bag, Brad Miller,
for one last shot to make good on their nickname. Queens?
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Supersonics
Owner and Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz, sure gives "good
coffee," but if his team keeps crapping it up, there may
be a toilet paper shortage in Seattle rivaling Russia's.
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Howard's back-up shittert |
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"Smack this, b$$$$"
