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NBA junkies rejoice, sing hallelujah and praise the Gods of Hoop Heaven - the season is upon us. And whether your allegiance lies with someone in the Eastern Conference (JV) or the Western Conference (Varsity), we got you covered in:

Comedy Ave's:


"Smack this, b$$$$"

EASTERN CONFERENCE - Atlantic Division

Hey, Celt fans, let's talk a 96-3 record. Those are the numbers incoming Fab Frosh, Kendrick Perkins, led his high school team to. Now he's in the Big Show. Have fun watching Pierce chuck up a gazillion shots, and try to avoid getting stink-breathe from Vin Baker.

Welcome to the Pat Riley and Lamar Odom Mutual Admiration Society. That lasted long. Lamar didn't even have a chance to get busted yet.

A new Mourning in Jersey? Naw. Same team, sam
e game, same outcome:

Across the Hudson, the Knicks are praying their Mac-dice comes up seven. As in: Can Antonio stay healthy for more than seven games? Regardless, Gotham City will be foiled once again. Poor Mathew Modine, first his career, now this.

With their heart-and-soul gone -- not Grant Hill, but Darrel Armstrong -- look for the same ole routine: It's T-Mac's game and you other dudes are just pretending in it.

After years of depression, Larry Brown finally rang the Liberty Bell -- leaving Iverson in charge of a puppet government second in stature only to Afghanistan's.

"Okay, let's get this straight: Under no circumstances should any of you want to be like Mike." Losers. That includes you, Stack. Can you say: bad karma.
Central Division

"Shareef don't like it..." Neither would you, if you were trying to rock the Kasbah from Atlanta.

He's back! See the Scottie Pippen Farewell Tour. But for it to be truly amazing, he'll have to push the kids into being more than all right.

We don't care if LeBron is the Second Coming of Christ with better passing ability. He's going to be looking at the games from one perspective - the loss column.

Okay, so he'll almost be able to field an All-Euro starting team. Is Larry Brown that bitter with our homebred prima donnas? Can someone tell Darvin Ham to shatter another backboard? It's sure to win a 2004 MTV Award for the Most Exciting Moment in the Eastern Conference.

There's a new Sheriff Larry in town, but that doesn't mean Jermaine will mature enough to produce anything other than some cool corn-rows. "Reggie for three!" So what. We'd rather watch a Spike Lee Joint.

T.J. Ford, welcome to the NBA. Did we mention you actually have to score in this league? For career arc, see: Mateen Cleave

If healthy, one of the only teams that can give Jersey a run to become NBA Silver Medallists.
Chris Bosh will add a little game to Toronto, but the main attraction will still be Vince Carter trying to live up to his own hype. (Reader insert SARS joke here.)



The rabble-rousing Mark Cuban added two Ants, an Icelandic, and an intern from Supercuts. Count on the Hair Bunch to be as exciting as hell -- and just as burnt when it comes to the playoffs.

Carmelo for Rookie of the Year. The Nuggets for team hara-kiri.

Van Gundy comes in and tells Little Stevie there's a talented country in the middle and the ball's going through it every time. The Rockets get respectable, while Van Gundy gets a stay of relief from visiting cross-dressing bars with Marv Albert.

Jerry West has assembled one of the best college all-star teams ever!

Kevin. Latrell. Sam I Am. There's enough mouth on this three-headed monster to be called the new Axis of Evil. But can they walk the walk? (Bye, Wally.)

If Popovich can put this eccentric recipe together, he deserves to be on the ballot in 2004.

"And now, starting at Power Forward for YOUR Utah Jazz: Keon Clark." Enough said.

Pacific Division

Did you hear? The French Jordan has arrived. But then again, so has Nick Van Exel. Look for emphasis to be put on making nightly Sportscenter highlights.

Wow. We have to hand it to Elton Brand -- for being willing to go down with the ship. It must be nice being a young millionaire in Los Angeles.

Get ready for another season of As the Lakers Turn. With perhaps the best team ever assembled, they needed some drama to make it interesting. Can you find Waldo? The one 19-year-old girl in the entire world that wouldn't willingly play in Kobe's court.

Can Stephon step-up for a whole season? We know the Matrix will have no problem getting it up.

Truth: The Blazers have a NEW! Player Code of Conduct. And, get this, irony of ironies, they drafted a kid of high school named Outlaw.

With Ralph Nader no longer defending their court, the Fun Bunch picked up Shaq's favorite phantom punching bag, Brad Miller, for one last shot to make good on their nickname. Queens?

Supersonics Owner and Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz, sure gives "good coffee," but if his team keeps crapping it up, there may be a toilet paper shortage in Seattle rivaling Russia's.

Howard's back-up shittert

© 2003 Comedy Ave. Prods. All rights reserved. Steal our stuff and make money off it, you die a fiery death -- no 72 virgins either. Comedy Ave. is an equal opportunity offender.