NEW YORK
- Time magazine has released its short list for 2002 Person
of the Year, and the favorites seem to fall into three categories:
good (President Bush), bad (Eminem) and evil (Osama bin Laden,
Saddam Hussein). It's not quite clear why the category of "freak"
was missing.
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"It's
a conspiracy against my people, that's why."
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"He's
right. And with his nose and my tongue, we could make
one hell of a team in 2004."
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PUSHKIN,
Russia - When Pushkin came to shove….Russian President Vladimir
Putin warned President Bush that the United States should not
wage war against Iraq on its own and suggested more needs to
be done in the fight against terrorism. Like actually arresting
and convicting just one "scum-sucking" terrorist.
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"Just
remember, short stuff, we're already going with my 'evildoer',
so don't get any ideas about taking over my ship of fools."
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Turning the conversation back to America's Most Wanted, Putin
asked: ''Where has Osama bin Laden taken refuge?'' To which
we who have found Waldo, while buying a pack of smokes and a
Red Bull, reply, "Um, duh."
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"You
know that smoking those things and drinking Red Bull is
bad for your health?"
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ATLANTA
- What also can be construed as being hazardous for your health:
Going on the Larry King Show in a pathetic attempt to
win back the support you almost had.
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"Going
on your show worked for Anna Nicole, she got reelected,
so why not me in 2004?"
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In
the interview with Mr. Ass-Kissing King, Gore said the United
States was headed down the wrong track economically and diplomatically,
and promised to run a different kind of campaign if he seeks
the White House again. A campaign that would surely appeal to
all people left of Florida--which pretty much leaves Cuba. After
the interview, it was clear who Larry was backing in 2004...
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"The
man wears blue shades and goes by the name of 'Boner'.
Need I say more?"
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Of
course, Larry failed Geography 101 and therefore had no idea "Bono"
is from another country altogether. The country which goes by
the name of Irerock. The country who tries to get your ire by
throwing a rock at your tank.
WASHINGTON
D.C.- Darth Vader waits in the shadows for a moment that is
ripe to show Caesar his Simpsonian Cutlery.
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"Et
tu' Colin, my mind and face might be a bit blurry from time
to time, but my soul aches every time I feel your love for
me wane..."
"Evil is as evil does, Mr. President. You will not
pin your White Man's Oil War on me."
"Gee, aren't you in a pissy mood." |
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BERLIN - Michael Jackson caused a fuhrer this past week when he
was captured on the Pervert News Network dangling an infant from
a fourth story hotel room before Angelina Jolie could come to its
rescue.
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"Angelina
can't offer him what I can in Never Never Land...Which is
basically some Elephant Man bones to play with while I get
my beauty rest in my oxygen tank."
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Right
after Liza Minelli came to his defense, some German publicist's
children were shipped in to be used in the big spin. You know the
one. The one that goes something like this: Michael is loved by
children the world over, he would never do anything to harm one.
I don't know about you, but if my mom gave me the choice of being
baby-sat by Jackson or Hitler, it would be a very hard decision
to make.
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"Peace...I'll
have them back before my nose turns into a pumpkin."
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Of course,
no one seemed to make a fuss when he dangled his pet animal Jermaine
over the railing...But they did look out below for boogers...
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"It's
really cool, after the last operation, when I pick my nose,
part of my brain comes out."
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When
the Spin continued, the Spinsters were hoping to sell the fact
that Mikey doesn't like kids, but white women.
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"Ssssh,
that's so funny. They don't know if I am able to leap tall
buildings in a single bound or if cryptonite has gotten
the best of my willy."
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Fact:
In order to avoid germs, Michael will only sign autographs with
a surgical mask over his face. Even he himself was impressed when
his fans began to catch on...
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"I love the glove, by the way."
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When at last the spin was through, the Mandonna was able to retreat
to the privacy of his hotel room where he did his favorite impression
of an oppressed Muslim woman while belting out a favorite tune...
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"Don't
Cry For Me Berlin..."
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"Michael
15:26" The Pervert's Prayer:
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| "God,
I know I am not right in the head, but please forgive me
for all my "indiscretions." My curse is that in
order to be as talented as I am, I must draw my creativity
from my bizarre life. If I didn't, I would have ended up
being Tito. And how many solo records did he sell?" |
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HOLLYWHACKED
- The Bachelor ended Wednesday night with Aaron Buerge
dropping to one knee and proposing to Helene Eksterowicz. Naturally,
she said yes, luckily just before Buerge got a sniff of the nearby
fire hydrant. After collecting his per diem and marking his territory,
Buerge said they're not going to rush into anything and that "Now
that the show is over, we can really get to know each other and
see how we interact, not only outside of the show but without
the media. I anticipate us both being relieved." And possibly
enlightened to learn...
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"Ultimately,
in the long run, we're totally f*cked."
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HOLLYWOOD - Ultimately, a couple who is far from f*cked, at least
for the first month of their Hollywood engagement, is seen here
driving off into the sunset, J. Lo looking back for any sign of
her the ashes of her and P. Diddy.
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"You're
with the sexiest man alive now. If you want P, open your
mouth, I'll get kinky."
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Click
for: People's
Man of the Year Cover
LOS ANGELES- Last week a neurophysiologist raised the issue of whether
we really know the potential long-term effects of the wrinkle-smoothing
drug Botox: "In this atmosphere of 'Botox parties,' it's easy to
forget that botulinum toxin is a potent [nerve toxin] and that its
very long-term side effects are still unknown." When reached for
comment, side effects spokeswoman Dyan Cannon was unable to open
her lips to utter a full sentence.
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"Er,
ah, gee, gosh, eh, um, goooo Lakers!"
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| Excuse
me ...I just woke up from a nap...Has anyone seen Billy Bob?" |
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NEW YORK - Are Big Macs hazardous to children's health? (Can't be,
right?) Lawyers have filed a class-action lawsuit against McDonald's
on behalf of New York children who have suffered health problems,
including diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity and zits the size
of Mt. Olympus.
In federal court in Manhattan, a lawyer alleged that the fast-food
chain has created a national epidemic of obese children, prompting
the people of Bangkok to take action sooner rather than later...
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"And,
one-two, hell no, we won't go. Americans all fat, while
all we eat is cat..."
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When
Ronald finally got around to taking the stand, he had only a one
thing for his detractors...
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"This
finger's going right up into your colon."
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