Taliban to Sue God

After bending over, praying, and kissing their ruling-asses goodbye, Taliban soldiers are planning their next big strategic move: A direct assault on God. The 'Ban are reportedly pissed off at God (Allah) for deserting their cause and leaving them without a bucket to piss in. Spurned and humiliated, the Taliban are now vowing to sue God in Civil Court for wrongful harm. So far, the only comment from God has come through Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfield, who stated that all those fighting on the side of the Taliban must either be jailed for life, or killed; in which case, there goes their lawsuit, not to mention the plethora of virgins they are supposed to rejoice in at the end of the rainbow. Hint to Taliban: You'll know who the real virgins in hell are when you grab your ankles and the pitch fork makes its mark.

Cruise & Kidman Finally Split Things

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman have finally decided to make it an amicable split. Both divorcees will have joint custody of their children, and both will be free to impart their respective religions on them--Kidman, Catholicism, and Cruise will be free to expose them to the brainwashing Cult of Scientology. Money terms were not disclosed, but as for possessions, Kidman received a five-bedroom Pacific Palisades spread and a multistory waterfront home on Australia's Sydney harbor. In exchange, Cruise received a promise from Kidman that she will not reveal that he is 100 percent gay and frequently wears black lace stockings and edible panties under his jeans, and likes to be called "Sally."

Cloning Upsets Stars

On Sunday, a U.S. company said it has cloned a human embryo in a breakthrough aimed not at creating a human being but at mining the embryo for stem cells used to treat disease. The announcement is good news for patients suffering from diseases like diabetes, and M.S., but terrible news for future generation of MTVers. In an investment in their future, MTV is currently sponsoring a group of "actors" who are campaigning to be cloned so the network will have a future stable of fools to host their programs. The actors--Tom Green, Andy Dick, and Johnny Knoxville--call themselves S.E.T.D.C. (Stars for the Ethical Treatment of Doofus Clones). If the three are not cloned soon, the next generation of MTV fans can look forward to MTV Britney, all day, all night.

Joining the C.I.A. Brings Music to His Ears

Ever since he was a little boy, Murgatrod Delaney has had only two dreams: to play tuba in the school band, and join the C.I.A. At age 38, Murgatrod has already attained his first dream--he has played in the Jacksonville High School Band for the past 22 years. Now that the C.I.A. is hungry for new recruits, Delaney thinks he finally has the inspiration he needs to get him past the 12th grade. Delaney's first choice for a position within the C.I.A. is to be an operative stationed somewhere deep within his original homeland of Poland, where he hopes to learn all the dark secrets on why people like himself never make it out of the 12th grade.

Stone Temple Pilot Busted Again

Frequent-Jail-Flyer, Scott Weiland, lead singer of the rock group Stone Temple Pilots, was arrested on abuse charges Monday in Las Vegas after he rolled up his sleeves to do something other than shoot heroin into his veins. This time, the smack he did was to his wife, who was trying to stop the beleaguered singer from going out to get prescription drugs for "torn cartilage" in his knee. According to the arrest report, his wife Mary tried to block his path to the door, at which time, Weiland physically removed her from in front of it. He did this by forcefully grabbing her arms, and then got more physical when he started smacking her up against a wall and stepping on her; something which I am sure no groupie has ever been subjected to: Being stepped on by a rock star. If Weiland is found guilty he is assured to be reunited with his best heroin connection: jail.

Pitt Afraid of Being Dumped

Brad Pitt would not let wife, Jennifer Aniston come to the Budapest set on his latest movie, Spy Games, because of superstition over a former period in his life when he was dumped (for the first and only time ever) in the same country; something which Pitt says plagues him to this day. In order to feel secure during the shoot, Pitt spent time off sorting through letters and pictures of the 3,786,897 women who said they would take him in, should Jennifer drop the same bombshell on him; proving that it is next to impossible being one of America's biggest heart throbs. Brad, meet Tom. "Sally"...Isn't Brad cute?