WASHINGTON D.C.
- The potent O-Strain virus returned to circulation this week
and because of it U.S. authorities warned of a possible "spectacular"
terrorist attack. And, might we add, what a fine choice of wording.
Instead of making it sound like we actually might be in danger,
Bush & Co. go all Disneyland on us like the terrorists are
about to put on a SPECTACULAR Millennium Fireworks show instead
of a death-defying suicide mission. So who's responsible for
the spin here: Ari Fleischer or Marv Albert? "Yes!!!"
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"Marv
is the one who wears women's underwear, correct? Let me
just say: I would have preferred the words 'disastrous'
'evil' or cataclysmic'."
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Let
us just say: We prefer the words: You spineless-scum-sucking
sand flea. Bite us!
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WASHINGTON
D.C. - In response to the recent O-tapes, Majority Leader Tom
Daschle said: ''We can't find bin Laden. We haven't made real
progress. They continue to be as great a threat today as they
were one and a half years ago. So by what measure can we claim
to be successful so far?'' Perhaps by the measure that we have
brilliant people like Defense Secretary Donald "Gin!"
Rumsfeld leading the charge and giving us real answers, like
this one in response to a question on the status of bin Laden:
''The
answer is yes, he is alive or dead.''
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"Touché!
My pen is definitely mightier than my sword...Hey, I'll
be playing here for the next two years. Make sure to drop
by for a laugh. Two-I.Q. minimum, of course. Hehehe."
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DUBAI,
United Arab Emirates - This telegram just in: "Stop your
support for Israel against the Palestinians, for Russians against
the Chechens...for corrupt leaders in our countries...and leave
us alone or expect us in Washington and New York.'' (Hey mom!
The terrorists are coming!)
The above statement is attributed to al-Qaida, threatening more
attacks unless America stops our hegemony and get this: CONVERTS
TO ISLAM. Which is about as likely as this woman using her weapons
for any mass destruction beyond playing bumper cars with a fleet
of 72' Ford Pintos...Kaboom!
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"I
already had my first wish granted...actually my first
two...but if I had one wish left, it would be for world
peace."
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Question
being: Is the Tit Fairy still granting???
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WASHINGTON
- Perhaps al-Qaida saw an opening to covert Americans to Islam
after President Bush took on the Christian coalition and religious
leaders, including evangelist Pat Robertson, for comments they
made in which they compared Muslims to Nazis. Which is kind
of like comparing Showtime's "Queer as Folk" to Robertson's
Christian Broadcasting Network.
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"That
is false. We only broadcast the finest family television.
Stuff that Jeffrey Jones and Pee Wee Herman would be proud
of. Maybe you missed our special in which Cardinal Bernard
Law performed a moving rendition of the Beatles' 'This Boy'." |
Bush said that "comments uttered about Islam do not reflect
the sentiments of our government or the sentiments of most Americans."
He went on to say that
Americans want the "Islamabads" to know that to show
our respect, rednecks and Americans alike, willl now be referring
to the bad-Muslims as "Cloth Heads" instead of the
more popular politically incorrect term: assholes.
To back up Bush's claim, a recent CNN poll revealed that 68%
of Americans are in favor of doing whatever it takes to show
Muslims that we accept their chose of religion, and that includes
rounding up Pat Robertson and company, putting them on the first
train to an exclusive prayer vigil at an Afghani cave of their
choice.
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"Pat
15:26" The Skeptic's Prayer:
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| "God,
I don't know whether you even exist out here in the midst
of the dark corners of hell, but if you do, can you please
provide us with ample toilet paper and make sure not to
let Allah, aka the Great Nazi, bite us in the ass? We prefer
that our clergymen do that. |
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MISSOURI - Controversy on America's favorite Bachelor is
brewing, as an Antigua-based online gambling company has announced
it is no longer accepting wagers on the outcome of the show after
an unusually large number of bets from bachelor Buerge's hometown
of Springfield, Missouri. Good news: They are still taking bets
on just how many minutes it will take for Buerge to blossom into
a full-fledged Hollywood whore.
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"I
prefer to call myself an opportunist. If Barbie can get
her footprints at a Hollywood theater, why can't I get my
'package' imprinted on a West Hollywood movie screen?"
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SANTA
MARIA, Calif. - Reclusive pop star Michael Jackson, clutching a
surgical mask over his face, moon-walked into a California courthouse
on Wednesday accompanied by a police escort, screaming fans and
the mind of one of "Jerry's Kids" on one too many tabs
of acid.
Jackson
was grilled for three hours on who was responsible for canceling
a series of shows that the King of Plastic Surgery is being sued
for in a $21 million breach-of-contract lawsuit. Jackson maintained
that it was not he who canceled the shows and that he even practiced
for them by dancing in front of the mirror in his bathroom. All
the while, the mirror kept asking: Who the f*ck are you?
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"Hey!
That's not me. I ain't the man in the mirror. I'm a whitey!"
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RNN
(Racist Network News) correspondent David Dukes could not
be reached for racial identification purposes.
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LOS
ANGELES - Rick James is under investigation for a possible sexual
assault on a 26-year-old woman at his Woodland Hills, California,
home. When police searched his crib they say they found nothing
out of the ordinary, just the usual E-Bay listing for Bob Marley's
dreadlocks, his Oprah Book Club membership and a blowup Al Sharpton
doll...
Proving that you can take the Super Freak out of the b'ness, but
you can't take the b'ness out of the Super Freak.
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"I ain't no R. Kelly if that's what you're thinking...Former
president Bill Clinton, maybe."
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Of course we're not exactly positive if Bill Clinton was ever
convicted of tying a woman up and burning her with a hot crack
pipe while on a cocaine binge. Oh yeah, and then there's the time
Ricky invited a woman into his hotel room for a business meeting
and then bound her and beat her for 12 hours, also high on cocaine
at the time. Mr. James, we have seen Bill Clinton, and you my
friend...
Hint to women who meet the Super Freak: This is not the "gentle"
Mike Tyson you are dealing with, therefore maybe you want to follow
this little piece of advice: DON'T EVER GO TO HIS F*CKING ROOM
ALONE YOU MORONS!
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We
will now return you to our regular typeface...
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LOS
ANGELES - After all these years, it's finally clear why Ferris
never wanted to go to school. Actor Jeffrey Jones, who portrayed
the principal in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" has been arrested
and is facing sexual misconduct charges. (Say it ain't so!)
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"It's
so. As Pee Wee Herman is my witness."
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L.A. Police say Jones is accused of photographing a nude 15-year-old
boy in suggestive poses, possibly influenced by this foursome
spotted strolling Papal Boulevard on Halloween...
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LONDON
- The World's Biggest Liar will defend his title against a small
but devious group of challengers in a pub in northern England
Thursday and darn, due to poor ticket sales the first time around,
our country's favored competitor won't be in attendance...
WASHINGTON - Fortunately, the companies behind Miss Cleo's psychic
hot line agreed to forgive $500 million in customer bills to settle
a federal lawsuit alleging they fleeced callers hoping to glimpse
the future. Crazy 8 Ball says...
Unfortunately, the future of many of the fleeced is currently
being played out on E-Bay where they are in a fierce bidding war
over the infamous "Land of Lost Souls" Bridge. For you
geography buffs, the bridge is located somewhere near the "Get
a Clue" River and the "Why Don't You Tie a 75-pound
Cinderblock to Your Ass" Falls.
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"I
pray for each and every one of their souls. And of course
to my accountant who is handling all my offshore accounts
and E-Bay postings."
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NEW YORK - At the annual Victoria's Secret fashion show, activists
upstaged supermodel Gisele Bundchen's runway strut by shouting anti-fur
remarks and carrying signs that read "Gisele: Fur Scum." The group,
who call themselves People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals,
met their own resistance when they were confronted by a large contingent
who call themselves: Men for the Ethical Treatment of Beavers. They
carried signs that read: "Men: Fer P*ssy."
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SACRAMENTO
- Saddam Hussein take note: In an attempt to stop Montana's 24-game
winning streak, football players from Sacramento State greased their
jerseys with the oven spray PAM in an effort to slip out from under
the enemy's defenses. Too bad that their feeble attempt at cookery
failed and they lost the game--not to mention their lifetime subscription
to the Food Channel and autographed pictures of star chef Emeril
Lagasse.
An Iraqi food correspondent revealed that in order to stop the enemy's
winning streak, Hussein will most likely stick with his favorite
spray: RAID!
| "My
ant hill will not be taken without plenty of squashed ants...Hey!
What are those planes buzzing in my ear? Don't also make me
pull out my can of whoop-ass." |
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"Geez...Such
testosterone. And they call us a civilized species. Ants
shmants, I got no pants!"
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LOS
ANGELES - And lastly, a recent poll taken in Los Angeles revealed
that "World Peace" is the sixth most important thing
to Angelenos. Finishing ahead of World Peace were:
1.
Image (it's every thing)
2. Occupation (the wannabe one, not the day job)
3. Preoccupation (with their own reflections)
4. SUVs (Range Rovers, Hummers, Tanks-oh my)
5. Classic Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee video (the enhanced
version) |
Look
for the trend to sweep across the states sometime after the
next major seismic shift or when Steven Spielberg farts another
Oscar--a seismic shift in its own right.
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