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"The
lord shined down on our party this week and now with the
power of Jesus Christ, we are armed and ready to deal
with every Evildoer--and that whacked-out pitchman Carrot
Top."
|
MASSACHUSETTS
- After losing his Senate Majority Leader gig, when Vermont Senator
James Jeffords defected from the Republican party last year, Trent
Lott is back in his saddle and this time he claims after a steady
diet of Preparation-H he is "humbled" and ready to ride
to the rescue. "I'm not in a gloating sort of mood,"
the Mass. Senator said. "I'm in a mood of getting some results."
First result he'd like to get accomplished is more tax cuts for
the wealthy, so Dick Cheney can afford a new workout suit...
 |
Apparently,
it was just the comic relief Donny Rumsfeld and a German
Defense Minister, contemplating world suicide, needed.
 |
FLORIDA
- And many kudos to "friend of all the Floridian voting machines"
and the motherf*cker who still can't get them in working order...
|
"If
you can hear me now, God, please let me know how you would
like me to proceed."
|
God
weighed in...
|
"Can
you hear ME now, Jebbie? The team is ready to roll! So the
only thing we need you to do: Fix those goddamn voting machines
before 2004 or I'm telling mom."
|
WASHINGTON
- And on the way to 2004, with no Democrats to blame for the country's
troubles, Dubya realizes it is high-time he gets past his extreme
case of fumble-itis...
|
"Crap,
Barney, hold still...And you're a lot lighter than that
big economy. Or in Mexican: El Grande de dinero up creeko."
|
And
to prove that there's one thing that Dubya will just not fumble
like his daddy done did...On a day when the Iraqis said they will
comply with the UN draft, the US went ahead anyway and planned
for an Iraqi party-crashing committee of 250,000...just in case.
|
"Let's
get this f*cking show on the road already! CNN and the people
of America need war to get their minds off less important
things--like their livelihoods."
|
SANTA
FE - New Mexico voters went to the polls to decide on whether they
want ''idiots'' and ''insane persons'' to vote in their state. Under
the state's Constitution, drafted in 1912, ''idiots'' and ''insane
persons,'' are currently prohibited from voting--which, if enacted
in Florida, would preclude the entire state.
|
"The
people of Florida are just happy we finally have a sister
state."
|
NOTE: Unfortunately, New Mexico votes have yet to be counted, as
some insane idiot lost them all. |
BEVERLY HILLS - And the Queen of Klepto was convicted on two of
three counts this past week, and without a rock star nearby to "comfort"
her, she had no choice but to turn to her defense attorney to make
beautiful music with...
|
"So,
my overture starts when I play the spoons for you and ends
when you see what went wrong with the penis extension."
|
MARTHAVILLE-
Martha Stewart plays her favorite childhood game and eyes her next
catch...
|
Martha:
"Baldy, duck, goose..."
Duck: "Goose! You landed on Goose! Spare me puhleeze,
Martha! "
|
LOS
ANGELES - R.I.P. "Dr. Smith, Dr. Smith!" Actor Jonathan
Harris, from Lost in Space, leaves behind three cats, two
wiener dogs and one special place in his heart for a Robot he never
got to disassemble...
|
"He was a lot of metal and a big mouth. Every time I tried
to sneak a peek at Will Robinson in his dressing room, the
fat-head was there to sound the warning."
|
BEVERLY HILLS - News of Sharon Osbourne's new deal to host her
OWN talk show had hubby Ozzie jumping right out of his Hanes -
|
"F*ck that!...Me package does feel better in Hanes, though."
|
HOLLYWOOD
- Sources confirm that Ben Affleck has presented Jennifer Lopez
with two gifts she'll never forget: an engagement pink-diamond
solitaire (he chose himself!) and a case of the clap.
|
"With
this diamond and herpes, I do thee wed..."
|
CLEVELAND
- Props
for the following bands, who were voted into the music Hall of
Fame this week: The Clash, Elvis Costello and the Attractions,
AC/DC, the Righteous Brothers and the Police--not the same ones
who inducted Whitney Houston's husband Bobby Brown into the Dope
Heads Hall of Shame after he was busted YET again.
|
"I
guess I'll have to get my props from Johnnie Cochran."
|
SANTA CLARA - In honor of his conservation work, a scientist has
named a Central American ant after movie star Harrison Ford.
|
"Psst.
Psst. It's me, Harrison Ford. Throw a dude a crumb? Or
a meaty acting role."
|
FYI:
The ant now known as the "Pheidole harrisonfordi" was
formerly known as the Pheidole whothefuckcares.
|
SAN
FRANCISCO - In a groundbreaking moment for all primitives and humans
alike, Koko, California's famous ''talking'' gorilla, is breaking
into song! Yes, that's right, the 31-year-old gorilla, who is said
to have mastered some 1,000 terms in American sign language, has
''written'' lyrics for a new album which is due in stores next week.
Meaning the competition between Koko and American Idol Kelly
Clarkson should be fierce.
''The songs show a real depth of emotion. She's a complex person,''
said Jennifer Patterson, commenting on Koko, not Clarkson.
The album, entitled ''Fine Animal Gorilla'' after Koko's term for
herself, runs the gamut of musical styles from low intensity rap
and reggae to lullabies. While Koko herself does not sing on the
album (no, really???), she did sign off on the song lyrics and delivery--to
be performed by another group of Gorillas...
 |
'We pretty much run all our lyrics by Koko,'' adroit album producer
Skip Haynes said. Some may recognize Haynes as being the same producer
who helped put the "Milli" in Vanilli.
He continued his idolizing: ''Now, she's getting to the point where
she actually listens to different mixes and tells us what mix she
likes.''
Haynes, himself, has actually gotten to the point where he listens
to the different voices in his head, all apparently saying one thing:
You are a complete f*cking MORON--which goes for anyone else who
actually buys this chest-thumping CD at $14 a pop.
|
"I
can count on one hand the amount of record producers I have
been f*cked by, and number one finger says: Skip Haynes.
"
|
Koko
is getting a lot of street-cred from big stars in the music industry...
|
"With
Koko, I think I've finally found someone who I could work
with who won't judge me strictly on the basis of my musical
talent, but more likely on the basis of how I give gorilla
head."
|
MELBOURNE
- According to the minister responsible for water restrictions,
Australians hit by one of the worst droughts in a century should
''find a sympathetic friend'' and shower together to save thousands
of liters of water...In a related announcement, the American Minister
of Traffic has asked that all SUV drivers should also find a sympathetic
friend and drive yourselves to the next Oil War in the Middle East.
|
"G'day,
mate. The only things we fight over Down Under is the water
supply, beer and the beautiful ladies..."
|
|
"Why
thank you, Croc. You can come visit my 'down under' any
time."
|
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