Joke of the Week

How many celebrities does it take to screw in a light bulb?

300. 1 to screw it in, and 299 to make sure it goes in right before they follow the trend.
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Hollywood Lends a Helping Hand
Los Angeles, California

First the head of British Airways called movie stars cowards for refusing to fly the not-so-friendly skies and retreating to their mansions. Then the majority of television networks dissed the President's self-congratulatory speech on Thursday night in favor of Sweeps Week. And now the Bush Administration, perhaps with a little censorship-blackmail up their sleeves, has adamantly stepped up the campaign to get the Entertainment community more involved with the war effort. Miraculously, some major players have responded in kind. Below is a list of the generous donors who gave so graciously. Amen. Or is it ahem?
Richard Gere - A spiritual Buddhist, gave up an Afghan rug he actually meditated on with the Dalai Lama. Of course, it was also his Wiener dog's favorite toilet.
Tom Green & Drew Barrymore - The kooky couple reached deep into their pockets. So deep that they came out with the testicle Tom recently had removed and sent it straight to the Northern Alliance in a mason jar that read "Having a Ball, Wish You Were Here."
Angelina Jolie & Billy Bob - Who are not actually real vampires, gave two liters of each other's blood--blood that was cryogenically frozen, should either of the two lovebirds meet an untimely demise, and the real stuff isn't available for the vials both wear around their necks to show their love for one another--hoping that some of their romance will rub off on the downtrodden people of Afghanistan.
Calista Flockhart - Someone who claims the camera doesn't add ten pounds but subtracts ten, donated a month supply of her favorite food, rice cakes, which will be stale enough upon arrival to be used as projectiles in Northern Alliance slingshots.
Anne Heche - Wanted to send her sanity to all the homeless families of Afghanistan, but Red Cross workers assisting in the operation were unable to locate it.
Michael Jackson - His Gloveness sent the remaining remnants of his blackness. He is now officially a white man, and will only be subjected to freak profiling from this point forward.
Shannen Doherty - The philanthropist, ex-Charmed star gave up her broomstick, should the Northern Alliance need something other than horseback to attack on.
Tom Arnold - Who would most likely be serving 3-5 for stat rape if it wasn't for Roseanne, sent over his entire career on a 15-minute videotape so the Northern Alliance can use the tape to strangle members of the Taliban.
Howard Stern - Mr. The Kids All Hated Me in School, donated long time yes man-er-ah-woman, Robin Quivers, who will immediately defect to be Osama bin Laden's right-hand Uncle Tom, proving that once a laugh whore, always a laugh whore.
Pamela Anderson - The lifetime honorary member of MENSA decided to send her former implants to one lucky Afghan woman, who--for some reason that Pamela couldn't fathom--has been feeling insecure for several years.
Dr. Laura - The menopausal maniac pledged 1,000,000 autographed copies of her new book to be disbursed in refugee camps. The title, "Oh, Get Over it Already!"

Now that you have proof of the warmth that these stars radiate, please,
please, whatever you do, don't ever call them selfish-prima donna pricks again!
And do yourself a favor, don't call them, period. Don't you have a life that is waiting to be lived?
 
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