EVERYWHERE
- America's number one Yell Leader took to the States this week
in order to boost votes for his Republican cronies. Turns out
the Prez proved quite a sport and was willing to do practically
anything so his party didn't go down in flames...
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"Let's
show them how progressive us Republicans have become: If
you kiss me right now, we'll have even them homosexual types
voting for me."
GB: "And don't forget all those brown people I wooed
because I love their food. Yo quiero Taco Bell."
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Not
to be out done, a former president also hit the road in an effort
to boost not only the polls, but poles...
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"I'll put my tongue in your ear and then grab your balls.
It's for the party."
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And
after hearing Clinton drone on about blue dresses, cigars and other
men's packages, Jeb Bush's rival, Bill McBride, realized that he
just may have picked the wrong whorse to run with...
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"I
just want to say: Politicians that dress alike, think alike.
Ladies and gentlemen I give you Bill McBride and his migraine
headache--this big."
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Hippity-hopping
along his trail of slime, Bush did his best impression of the
team's mascot:
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"Someone
said I got Dumbo ears. And to that I say: Fool me once,
shame on me. Ya fool me twice, shame on me."
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"Who's
on first? One thing I know: My mom was a lot smarter than
that doofus. Believe me, if she was shoving her trunk up
America's ass, she would be at least be polite enough to
offer them a smoke afterwards."
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MINNESOTA
- Former vice president Walter F. Mondale decided to step-in and
run for the Senate, for his friend, the late Democratic Sen. Paul
D. Wellstone. When he woke up and realized the ship of fools he
was sailing on, he could only think one thing...
LAS
VEGAS - Speaking of "high," Nevadans are going to the
polls to see if they can become the first state in the nation to
make under three ounces of marijuana legal and to require state
legislators to devise a regulatory system for its production and
sale. Stopping by Nevada on his grassroots, cheerleading tour...
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"We
regret to inform the lovely people of Nevada that Chong
couldn't also be with us here today...Which means more for
me. Can anyone direct me to the local Taco Bell. Yo quiero
Taco Bell."
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AFGHANISTAN - An Afghani farmer learns of Nevada's wish to "legalize
it" and realizes what his fate would be if busted in Ghani
Land...
Which
is pretty much what Liza and hubbie David Puppet were this week
when VH1 decided to vote-down their show after taping only one episode
and airing none. Liza was quoted as saying:
"They say my husband was a neat, control freak. Well, I can
tell you from living with him: That's better than a messy control
freak."
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"Can
we get a cymbal crash on that one?"
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BEVERLY
HILLS - Who is this man above? Only one of the biggest producers
in Hollywood, Peter Guber. And, oh yeah, a member of the Winona
jury. A conflict of interest you say? Naw. They only did a billion
dollars worth of business together in films including: Little
Women, Dracula and Age of Innocence. Innocence,
hmm, a precursor of what's to come?
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"Like
I told my close friends in the jury. I did it all in the
name of researching a part."
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We've
discovered exactly what part that is. Ms. Kleptoryder is getting
set to star in yet another original Hollywood remake...
LOS ANGELES - In a surprising development, Robert Blake's lawyer,
Harland Braun, proved he's not nuts by resigning Monday after
objecting to his client's decision to grant a jailhouse interview
to ABC's staunch defender of human gossip, Diane Sawyer. The move
had head of La Familia, Fred, steamed and ordering revenge once
more...
Tony
Soprano take notes.
HOLLYWOOD
- Eminem's film 8 Mile opens this week and you know what
that means...
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"Word:
Don't quit your day job, honey."
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Eminem
took Mariah's advice in stride, being the lover of women that
he is...
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"Yo,
I got your Glitter right here, biatch. Word."
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PITCH
LAND - And Catherine Zeta Jones says that after becoming Michael
Douglas' whore, she will be anybody's--for the right price.
Enter T-Mobile, and voila, we are privileged to see this non-academy
award nominated actress perform 3000 times a day on a commercial
near you. For her encore she is signed to pitch...
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"Finally:
The new female sexual enhancer, available at a drug store
near you. Together with the T-Mobile and a much older
husband like mine, it does wonders for a girl's cooch."
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NEW
YORK - Twenty-nine children died in an earthquake in Italy last
week, but who really cares about all that nonsense when we can
come together as a nation and celebrate the birth of Sarah Jessica
Parker and Matthew Brodericks' first baby!
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"Thank
you, God. Thank you."
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God
could not be reached for comment. We could however: America,
get a life!
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Other
Crap
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LOS
ANGELES - What keeps the Stones rolling? Passion? Or Human Growth
Hormone, blood transfusions and 14-year-old groupies with names
like Cherry? Yes, it was Halloween with the Stones in L.A., but
make no mistake--these weren't costumes...
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"Shit,
mate: We are the monster mashes...
A regular f*cking graveyard smash. "
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NEW
YORK - Halloween always brings out the babes in costume, but what's
this chick's excuse?
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"Well,
I just never got to let down my hair and show the real me
while Cathy Lee was on board. So much singing."
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SAN
FRANCISCO - And the next thing you know, the host of Live with
Regis & Kelly had started a trend...
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"Regis
for President in 2004, sugar! With that paunch, he can put
RuPaul right in it and hop around looking for votes."
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WASHINGTON
D.C. - Customers at a McDonald's got a shock Friday when two deer
jumped through the restaurant window. The animals shattered the
glass and ran through the fast-food restaurant terrorizing the customers
and leaving without paying for Two Big Mac Meal Deals--which had
Ronald incensed...
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"You
just signed your death warrant, doe!...and gave me an idea
for the next Meal Deal."
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IRAQ - Speaking of fried...Saddam Hussein's deputy warned Americans
on Friday they would be "sent to hell" if they attack Iraq. And
when you think about it...
"He's
got the whole world in his hands..." Well,
maybe not the whole world. A few camels possibly.
SAN DIEGO - A sailor jokes with his wife before his departure on
the aircraft carrier USS Constellation which is headed for the Arabian
Sea in support of Operation Enduring Freedom...
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"It's
gonna be so much fun, baby! Murdering innocent Iraqi civilians
to find one man!"
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TEXAS - The president knows that it is essential for all cheerleaders
to be in disguise when rooting for him.
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"I
know you only got three fingers on each hand, but next time
we play 'football' you're playing center and you won't need
to use any of those fingers, honey."
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One
more finger to symbolize how we feel about our current "democratically"
elected regime, brought to you by a proud voter of Palm Beach,
Florida...
And
to all the folks of Florida: Don't forget to vote...It may actually
count this time.
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