LOS
ANGELES - After watching Rick "Da Thug" Fox get pummeled
by Doug Christie during the final preseason game between the
Lakers and Kings, it's pretty clear that Fox has appeared on
one too many episodes of HBO's Oz. And quite evident,
from his faux karate kick in the tunnel, that he never received
any fight training on the set. Next time Fox may be better off
if he picks on someone his own size--an actor.
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"So
I'm not a big tough method actor...but my wife's hotter
than yours."
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MALIBU
5-0 - When Nick Nolte was arrested last month for driving under
the influence, the drug in his system was GHB, a drug known in nightclubs
as ''the date-rape drug.''
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"I
was just weak and lonely and would have paid to get raped."
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Unfortunately,
Nolte only found one taker...the kids from Jackass the Movie.
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"Nick
was a great sport and a fine actor. You could never tell
that he actually didn't like the elephant c*ck in him."
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BEVERLY HILLS - Winona's trial is finally about to get underway
and that means she has bailiffs really confused...
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"Shit...who
dressed you for this trial? A homeless person?"
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"I
just want to be loved..."
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"Ah,
Judge, I can do that. Grant the young hot fox a dismissal
and I will personally see to it that the only thing she
ever swipes again will be my track-marked Fruit of the Looms
for washing.
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This
is a major blank space, due to the fact that the story (on Ass-Profiling
in Daytona Beach) that was here is going to be in a "major
publication" some time in the forseeable future and we are
going to get fifty-whopping bucks for having the privilege of
it being in such an esteemed publication. In the future, we here
at Comedy Ave. vow to never stick anything on our website which
may be used in a magazine and we promise to write it on the blackboard
100 times after school today. Our
humblest apologies for making the folks at said magazine "gob-struck."
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WASHINGTON
D.C. - President Bush's annual physical showed that the president
has a resting heart rate of 44 beats per minute, putting him in
the range of elite marathoners, and a 14.5% body fat. In response
the president said...
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"I
try to go for longer runs, but it's tough around here at
the White House on the outdoor track. It's sad that I can't
run longer. It's one of the saddest things about the presidency."
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Obviously
his priorities are in excellent order. Oh yeah, wonder where the
economy, health care, Kyoto Treaty, etc, etc, fit in?
After his priority check, Bush followed Mt. Everest's eruption with
a silent one of his own.
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"He
who smelt it, dealt it."
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Mired
in his own stench, we can only ask...
"Leader?"
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"Hahahahaha,
American humor very good."
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Take
Note :
We here at Comedy Ave. do not play sides when it comes
to politicians. To us, they are all wonderful whores,
ripe for comic fodder.
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"I
just hope you're not talking about me. I am friends with
all trees and people alike."
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SOUTH
KOREA- South Korean troops who were recently filled in on the
news that North Korea possesses nuclear weapons still had only
one thing on their minds after a long day of training...
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"Dog
for lunch!!!!! Yippee!"
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NEW
YORK - Speaking of dogs...
Lizzie
Grubman, the publicity princess who made headlines for flying
into a rage and smashing her father's Mercedes SUV into a crowd
outside a swanky club in the Hamptons, calling the bouncers
"white trash," starts her jail sentence this week...If there's
such a thing as "The Prison Bitch Fairy" she'd better
be praying to one: "Dear Prison Bitch Fairy, please don't
allow my nails to crack or my precious cooch to be violated..."
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"Like
R. Kelly, I once believed I could fly."
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ANAHEIM
- After 42 long years, the Singing Cowboy's Angels finally came
through and won the World Series sending Barry Bonds, and the French
chef he keeps stowed away in the locker room, somewhere other than
Disneyland...
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"Next
year, ya may want to go with Benihana, Barry."
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SAN
FRANCISCO - On hand for the ceremonial pitch in S.F. three legends
and a horny crook that just won't back down.
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"Hey
Cal, did Pete tell you he was betting his Viagra on this
one?"
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And
we're not quite sure whether Eddie Murphy got to see the World Series...now
that he wants to be Stevie Wonder...
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"This
way, next time I pick up a transvestite, I'll have a good
excuse. My Cherie Amour..."
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MARTHAVILLE
- Hey Martha, what's that ya got cookin'?
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"This
is my steaming hot pot of 'I'm in deep shit without a roll
of TP to wipe my dirty ass up with.' "
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Mickey just won't go away...
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"Who's
the leader of the Club that's NOT made for you or me...M-A-R-T-H-A...L-O-U-S-E."
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YOUR TOWN - Do you think this guy is petrified of Halloween, Aka
Hoodlum Flight Night.
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"It's
always the same: Like a cheap hooker, I start out looking
all dolled up and then end up splattered on the pavement
by some serial f*cker."
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