WASHINGTON
D.C. - President Bush did a 360 degree turn today on his crusade
to rid the world of Saddam Hussein--and anyone else who dares
to look at the Bush Clan with Marty Feldman Eyes or supply Jeb
Bush's daughter Noelle with crack cocaine or Laura Bush with
the 2002 It's a David Hasselhoff Christmas Calendar.
In an exclusive and uncommonly witty address to High Times Magazine,
the President said that a recent Berkeley "hemp-in," hosted
by Woody Harrelson, Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and a group of natural
smelling tree-huggers, has changed his perception from one of
"war," to peace, love and Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream.
"Heck," the President said with a chuckle, "be you Black, White,
Brown or the Red Hot Chile Peppers, I have one message Under
Jah for all the world to hear..."
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After
all thought of "getting along" was quickly nixed by Papa
Smurf Bush, Colin Powell keeps a close eye on the boy who looks
like he was born with a bong in his mouth, as Baby Smurf wakes up
from his dope haze and puts it all in perspective...
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"Dudes...this
ain't no disco. This is war, man."
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The message was heard loud and clear...
But
wait, not everyone was in agreement...
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"Hola,
me llamo es Ralph de Verde. Allow me to whine?"
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MEXICO
- Former presidential candidate Ralph Nader was quoted in the Spanish
daily newspaper El Mundo, of all places, saying that the only reason
we are going to war with Iraq is to take the focus away from the
corporate fraud that seems to be going around like a case of the
Clinton Intern Crabs.
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"I
pledge allegiance, to the Fat Cats, of United States of
America...with liberty, justice and maybe one intern-minus
the crabs-for me?"
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John,
John, John. You should know that the lord frowns down upon such
evil thoughts. If HE wanted anyone in the Bush Administration to
get laid, don't you think he would go with Light & Ari Fleischer
first?
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"I
may be light in the getting laid department, but I am far
from airy. That's the president's job.
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ANAHEIM
- And it's October, which can only mean one thing: Break out the
bandwagon so-called experts...
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"In
Iraq, we don't need no stinkin' baseball.
Rock n' roll, dude, rock n' roll."
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IRAQ
- Our music reporter was on hand for a special Going Away Benefit
Concert for Saddam...
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"Mustard
gas / Purple Haze, all through our country's brain..."
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NEW
YORK - Sticking to the subject of music, can anyone say:
"WHORE?"
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IMPORTANT
DISCLAIMER:
We here at Comedy Ave. do know that sometimes, in order
to succeed in the music biz, one must be a WHORE first
and a lip-syncher second.
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ANAHEIM
- And speaking of whores...FOX was so positive that no one outside
of a ten-mile radius around Disneyland would watch the World Series
that they stooped to an all-time cross promotional stunt,
intercutting
an opening montage of the California Angels with their upcoming
Charlie's Angels II. Perhaps
for their encore, FOX can intercut shots of innocent Iraqi children
dying with highlights from the upcoming American Idol II?
Oh right, they already do that, it's called the news.
NASHVILLE
- Alt-country-rock wunderfuckup Ryan Adams recently stopped his
concert when a fan screamed out a request for BRYAN Adams: "Summer
of 69." House
lights were raised until Adams could find the jokester, give him
his $30 back and tell him to get the f*ck out. Look for the punk--who
has f*cked every actress in the Screen Actor's Guild--to next
f*ck himself after writing a new song about his future O.D. in
the "Summer of 2003."
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"Whatever.
Not 'every summer can last forever.' Just ask that fairy
BRYAN Adams."
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NEW
YORK - Fairy? ROD Stewart, a lifelong member of the BRYAN Adams
fan club, has written his own brand new tune: The "If I
cop a feel of a groupie, will you still think I'm gay"
blues.
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"Every
time Rod touches me, my thong gets wet."
Rod:
"Mine too."
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MINNESOTA - We don't believe Missouri senatorial candidate Jim Talent
is commenting on Mr. Bush's burgeoning intellect here...
CHURCHVILLE - Speaking of little pricks, preacher Jerry Falwell
apologized for calling the prophet Mohammad a terrorist, saying
he meant no disrespect to 'any sincere, law abiding Muslim,' and
actually meant to say:
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"Muhommad
is by no means a terrorist. A scum-sucking Satanic Slut
is more like it."
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LONDON
- And having sympathy for the devil, relic Mick Jagger went ahead
and cast a spell on the Reverend...
Ensuring
that Falwell will never rest until he has played all of the Rolling
Stones catalogue backwards and exchanged blood transfusions with
Keith Richards.
HALLOWEENLAND
- And good news for other tranfusionites, Elvira turned 102 this
past week and is employed once again. (Apparently there are folks
out there that just can't get enough of her freaky stuff.)
As of November 1 she will go back to her regular past time: Lying
on her couch with her pussy in hand, wondering what the hell she
can do for an encore.
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"I
have always thought that when I retire, I'd like to feel
my bouffant howling in the wind, with a cold metal bar up
my ass, on the way to the highway to hell."
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Vroom,
vroom, it can be arranged. As long as you give RYAN Adams a ride
on the back.
MICHIGAN
- Yes, Halloween is in the air, and that's especially true at Bill
Patton's house. The 45-year-old Patton was jailed for 90 days after
being spotted by neighbors having sex with a pumpkin in his basement.
What's this country coming to if a man can't f*ck a pumpkin in his
own basement? Did anyone bother to ask the pumpkin how he felt?
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"Can
anyone spare a smoke?
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"Pumpkin
head, quit while you're ahead. Or maybe you wanted to get
reamed by a human and end up a talking skull?"
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Brought
to you by the Comedy Ave. Action Team to quit smoking. We're here
to help. If we can't help you quit the habit, maybe we can help
you laugh as you're choking on the way to your grave. Ok, ok, so
our writer was pissed off because someone was blowing smoke in his
face while he tried to eat lunch the other day. He's over it now,
resume puffing. We could care less about you.
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