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"...into your life it will creep...it's
starts when you're always afraid. Step out of line,
the man comes, and take you away. It's time we stop
children, what's that sound? Everybody look what's
going down."
The Buffalo Springfield called it for us.
What is going down right now is Paranoiaville, not
totally unwarranted, mind you, but extreme. I mean,
shit, parents are taking kids to Chicken Pox parties,
for chrissakes! How outlandish is that? "No,
little Timmy, no birthday cake for you, only pock
marks and high fever today, honey. You'll thank
me later. When you're the last remaining human on
earth who hasn't died from, um, Small Pox."
It is not the same thing! Where is the logic?
Below, the Comedy Ave. Staff has gone out and documented
some other recent afflictions which haven't been
getting quite as much press, as say, Sweet &
Low Anthrax scares or the new Elian Gonzalez
Museum in Miami! What a crock! Fidel
is laughing all the way to the kiddie porn!
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| The
Disappearing Condit: This occurs when whoever is in
the deepest shit at the moment, plots a major conspiracy
so that everyone forgets all about him. |
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| The
Genteel Gere: Pacifists
especially at risk for catching this one. You can be sure
you have it when you think that you can go to Afghanistan
and hug all the hatred away. (See Shirley MacLaine) |
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| The
Colon Powell: A serious form of cancer caused by years
of being in a rigid and stressful position. |
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| The
Doubting Druggie: Abnormal paranoia. They begin to
suspect that the powder their dealer sells them just may
not be cocaine. |
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| The
D.B. Cooper: You get a sudden itch to go out and buy
a parachute just in case you have to make it out of your
second story building alive. |
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| The
Sly Stallone: Macho men easily susceptible. Afflicted
claim they went out and bought gas mask because employee
in cubicle next to them has really bad gas. |
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| The
Patriotic Pulverizer: Usually a male. Someone who
decides to cut everyone off in traffic if they don't have
a flag waving from their car. |
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| The
Reluctant Rocker: In an attempt to alienate themselves
and ruin their careers, these are the recording stars
who refuse to participate in a benefit concert. |
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| The
Capitalist Cocksucker: This is the guy on the street
corner (often disguised as a kid selling lemonade) who
jacks up his prices on flags and caps so he can afford
that television set for his luxury S.U.V. |
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| The
Hidden Hitler:
It's the one where you begin to think that the little
old lady that lives in your building just may be an Al
Qaeda Terrorist. |
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Osama
& Trusty Assistant Found!
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