OSLO,
NORWAY - While former President Jimmy Carter was being celebrated
for winning the Nobel Peace Prize this past week, George W.
Bush was being celebrated by his favorite Yell Leader...
Borrowing
from Jeb & George's fav show Sesame Street: G is for
Goodness vs. Evilness and...
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"Golly
GEE...Boys will be boys, and Bush's will be Bush's."
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KOREA - And speaking of bush, in need of a financial boost, Korea
recently put their two most talented mail order brides on the auction
block...
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"We
can bend ourselves into anything your American heart desires."
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"Um,
I bid 1 million dollars."
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LOS
ANGELES - Also offering to post $1 million this week--for his bail--but
getting rebuffed...Bobby Blake c'mon down!
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"It's
not like I would try to escape down the freeway in a Ford
Bronco."
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Mr.
Blake went on to comment on jail life: "It's hard here. Terrible.
This place does stuff to you...They take your dignity, your pride,
your manhood." He forgot to add: your acting career,
your hair color and your ass cherry.
HOLLYWOOD - Snoop Dog told Access Hollywood that he is on
an active campaign to clean up his druggie image. The "musician"
says he "just woke up one morning" and decided he "didn't need it
anymore," and that he wanted to "get back to being Snoop Dogg."
After his candid announcement, he still had one fan that actually
gave a sh*t.
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HOLLYWOOD
- Madonna's new film Swept Away opened this week...
And
yes, just like a virgin it was a "god awful bloody mess."
NORWAY - If you had to guess: What do you suppose Hans Von Schtupping
does for a living?
Cut To: Across the river, where the Evil Emperess awaits with
screws loose...
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"Adam!!!!!!!
My tongue came apart again."
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HOLLYWOOD
- Do you think maybe the perv below should sit the f*ck down and
let nature take its course?
As long
as that "course" winds up on a video available over the
net.
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IMPORTANT
DISCLAIMER:
We here at Comedy Ave. do not condone lesbian action in
films...unless of course the chicks are hot and we can
get in on it.
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ITALY
- Both Tom Cruise and Steven Spielberg pulled back from quotes
which suggested we should go to war with Iraq this week after
head spokeswench for Hollywood, Barbra Streisand, threatened to
divulge that not only is she loony but Cruise is actually "straight"
and Spielberg is really a Christian in disguise.
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"Come
on now: Do I look straight to you? As for going to war
with Iraq, please consult my Scientology advisor...make
sure to ask for the punch while you're there."
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MINNESOTA - And while Rudy Giuliani was busy defending the Sopranos
this week-- telling Italians to chill out about depicting their
peeps in a bad light--and actress Edie Falco's brother was getting
busted for beating the living tar out of his legally blind wife,
Little Stevie (of Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band) aka Silvio
Dante, was being named the Worst F*cking Actor Ever on an HBO Series.
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"I'd
like to thank the academy...And tell Bruce I should be back
full-time soon, as it looks like my friendship with the
producer of the show only is good for three seasons. I think
they're planning to 'waste' me."
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To which
we can only say: Bravo. Don't fo'getaboutit, make him swim with
the fishes. We could find better actors amongst "Jerry's Kids."
LONDON - In London to promote her new album "Skanked,"
Christina Aguilera shot down rumors that she dated Britney 's old
flame...
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"Yo,
Britwat, let's get one thing straight: I don't date. I emasculate."
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She
did tell reporters that she is officially on the hunt for a new
boyfriend. "I just want a sweet boy," the wannabe whitey lamented.
Seconds later she received an urgent call from the White House...
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"I
know I'm old, bald, Jewish and ornery, but can I get in
on that action? Please? I can do the Marmalade thang."
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LAKE
CITY, FLA. - And last but not least, a judge turned down a man's
request to change his name to "God" this week, saying
that the man was obviously insane. Insane Man took it in stride,
sticking his tongue out at the judge and going with his second
choice: I Am who I Am. He says he was influenced by a passage
where Moses asks God who he is and hears: "I am who I am
or I will be who I will be,'' which had a certain someone running
to check copyright laws...
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"Am
I not mightier than Moses?"
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The
correct answer is: Parting Olive Oyl's skirt probably isn't quite
as mighty as parting the Red Sea. And now "ah-ga-ga-ga"
we're out of here, folks. Y'all come back now.
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