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This Week

The Rodney King School of Wisdom

Doprah Book Club Recommends: Michael Moore's "Stupid White Men"
The Day of Laughter is::

OSLO, NORWAY - While former President Jimmy Carter was being celebrated for winning the Nobel Peace Prize this past week, George W. Bush was being celebrated by his favorite Yell Leader...

"Give me a 'G' people!"

Borrowing from Jeb & George's fav show Sesame Street: G is for Goodness vs. Evilness and...

"Golly GEE...Boys will be boys, and Bush's will be Bush's."

KOREA - And speaking of bush, in need of a financial boost, Korea recently put their two most talented mail order brides on the auction block...

"We can bend ourselves into anything your American heart desires."

"Um, I bid 1 million dollars."

LOS ANGELES - Also offering to post $1 million this week--for his bail--but getting rebuffed...Bobby Blake c'mon down!

"It's not like I would try to escape down the freeway in a Ford Bronco."

Mr. Blake went on to comment on jail life: "It's hard here. Terrible. This place does stuff to you...They take your dignity, your pride, your manhood." He forgot to add: your acting career,
your hair color and your ass cherry.

HOLLYWOOD - Snoop Dog told Access Hollywood that he is on an active campaign to clean up his druggie image. The "musician" says he "just woke up one morning" and decided he "didn't need it anymore," and that he wanted to "get back to being Snoop Dogg." After his candid announcement, he still had one fan that actually gave a sh*t.

HOLLYWOOD - Madonna's new film Swept Away opened this week...

And yes, just like a virgin it was a "god awful bloody mess."

NORWAY - If you had to guess: What do you suppose Hans Von Schtupping does for a living?

Cut To: Across the river, where the Evil Emperess awaits with screws loose...

"Adam!!!!!!! My tongue came apart again."

HOLLYWOOD - Do you think maybe the perv below should sit the f*ck down and let nature take its course?

As long as that "course" winds up on a video available over the net.

We here at Comedy Ave. do not condone lesbian action in films...unless of course the chicks are hot and we can get in on it.

ITALY - Both Tom Cruise and Steven Spielberg pulled back from quotes which suggested we should go to war with Iraq this week after head spokeswench for Hollywood, Barbra Streisand, threatened to divulge that not only is she loony but Cruise is actually "straight" and Spielberg is really a Christian in disguise.

"Come on now: Do I look straight to you? As for going to war with Iraq, please consult my Scientology advisor...make sure to ask for the punch while you're there."

MINNESOTA - And while Rudy Giuliani was busy defending the Sopranos this week-- telling Italians to chill out about depicting their peeps in a bad light--and actress Edie Falco's brother was getting busted for beating the living tar out of his legally blind wife, Little Stevie (of Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band) aka Silvio Dante, was being named the Worst F*cking Actor Ever on an HBO Series.
"I'd like to thank the academy...And tell Bruce I should be back full-time soon, as it looks like my friendship with the producer of the show only is good for three seasons. I think they're planning to 'waste' me."

To which we can only say: Bravo. Don't fo'getaboutit, make him swim with the fishes. We could find better actors amongst "Jerry's Kids."

LONDON - In London to promote her new album "Skanked," Christina Aguilera shot down rumors that she dated Britney 's old flame...

"Yo, Britwat, let's get one thing straight: I don't date. I emasculate."

She did tell reporters that she is officially on the hunt for a new boyfriend. "I just want a sweet boy," the wannabe whitey lamented. Seconds later she received an urgent call from the White House...

"I know I'm old, bald, Jewish and ornery, but can I get in on that action? Please? I can do the Marmalade thang."

LAKE CITY, FLA. - And last but not least, a judge turned down a man's request to change his name to "God" this week, saying that the man was obviously insane. Insane Man took it in stride, sticking his tongue out at the judge and going with his second choice: I Am who I Am. He says he was influenced by a passage where Moses asks God who he is and hears: "I am who I am or I will be who I will be,'' which had a certain someone running to check copyright laws...

"Am I not mightier than Moses?"

The correct answer is: Parting Olive Oyl's skirt probably isn't quite as mighty as parting the Red Sea. And now "ah-ga-ga-ga" we're out of here, folks. Y'all come back now.

The Horny Men's Club

This week: "Ask Lust"...again
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