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Golden
Ass Awards
At
a time when Americans should be coming together
and understanding that the "whole" is more important
than the individual parts that make it up, there
have been a couple of blatant acts of blasphemy
against society this past week, proving, once
again, that self-centeredness, and a me-first
mentality, is alive and well in America the Beautiful.
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Let's give it up for our first bunch of philanthropists,
the Garbage Men of Orange County, California, who
went on strike this week, leaving over 400,000 homes
and 35,000 businesses without service. The men were
allegedly upset, not over working conditions or
minimal pay, but because the flailing Anaheim Angels,
owned by Disney, refused to don Orange County Garbage
Men baseball caps (ala the New York Mets) in a show
of solidarity for these hard working, educated G-Men.
In their defense, the Angels, eliminated from playoff
competition since early April, claim that their
"hands are tied" and the caps are not within Disney's
budget, due to having to pay injured first baseman,
Mo Vaughn another 48 million so his fat ass can
take up three parking spaces on the bench all over
again next year. In an attempt to remedy the situation,
the O.C.C.D. (Orange County Committee for Dunces)
has offered to compensate their-heroic in their
own right-garbage workers with all-expenses paid,
one-way tickets straight to Afghanistan where they
will have the privilege of digging potty holes for
millions of starving refugees. |
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it looks like Stevie Wonder's ex-girlfriend is going
to be a refugee soon enough herself, unless she
wins the 30 million dollar palimony suit she filed
against Mr. Wonder this week, which is doubtful,
because one of the people defending Mr. Bobble-Head
is Mr. Johnny "I will cheat, lie, and defend anyone
black with money" Cochran. A Golden Ass Award goes
to Wonder's ex, Angela McAfee, for including a charge
that the singer infected her with herpes, in addition
to bailing out on his "promise" to financially support
her for life. Hello??? How is the venerable Mr.
Wonder supposed to know he has the virus? I don't
think STD's can be detected by Braille, honey. Do
the three words Bonnie Lee Bakley mean anything
to you? |
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the winner of the Golden Ass Award goes to Chubby
Checker, who took out a full page ad in Billboard
Magazine recently, arguing that he is one of rock
n' rolls most important figures, and one of its
most underappreciated. Boo-hoo. In the letter, Mr.
Chubby Cheeks Checker demanded a statue of himself
in the courtyard of Cleveland's Rock n' Roll Hall
of Fame and Museum. (Of course, no other statue
exists there.) If he doesn't get his bronze monument,
the one-hit wonder says he'll refuse induction into
the venue (no one has voted him in yet) and offer
his likeness to Hormel's National Museum of Spam
in Minnesota. In the letter, Checker says he believes
he is "bigger than the Beatles, or God, for that
matter," and deserves to be remembered for his unsurpassed
contribution to rock n' roll history, and his Greatest
Hits album, which retails on Amazon.com for a whopping
$4.97 and ranks at the stellar position of 14,577.
Some of the amazingly original songs on the album
include: The Twist, Let's Twist Again, Twist it
Up, Slow Twistin', Forever Twistin', Limbo Rock,
Let's Limbo Some More, Limbo it Up, Slow Limbo,
and of course the memorable, Do the Freddie. While
the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame has not offered Mr.
Geri Curl Checker a statue, or an induction of any
kind, it has offered him a one-way ticket to Afghanistan
so he can shed some of his love and entertainment
on the Taliban Troops. No word on whether the Taliban
will offer any women or goats for him to "knock
up" for his payment. |
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speaking of terrorists, or directly to them: If
you winning humanists have to launch an attack on
anyone else in the U.S., may you spare innocent
people and lend your towels only to the good-scavenger
folks (read: asses) on kayaks camped out in McCovey
Cove, who wait like seagulls to fish out Barry Bonds
record setting homerun. |
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Moral
of the Week:
Remember, just because it's America and we're
number one!!!!!…
it doesn't mean that you have to be an ass willing
to sell your soul on E-Bay.
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