The
Al says: Stop in the name of love?
Loser
Land - On the topic of war with Iraq: Al Gore asked George W.
to stop and think his position on Iraq through logically.
To
which George W. snarled:
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"Duh.
As you can see, Mr. Beard-Growing-Tree-Hugger, since my
election, we don't do things logically any more in America."
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UNDISCLOSED
LOCATION - Plans
to get Saddam grew a little more complicated this week when a report
surfaced that Saddam has several look-a-likes who make public appearances
for him.
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"Ever
try to find an asshole in a haystack?"
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BRAZIL
- If Clinton was still president and he saw these two feline protesters...
We
wouldn't have war ("guerra"), only scented cigars and
stained dynamite dresses to bitch over.
FLORIDA
- Plugging away for reelection, the glowing Jeb Bush gets a little
pissed off at the man who keeps asking him to pull his finger.
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"Hey,
pal, I am a Bush, we don't fart. WE queef."
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NEW
YORK - Taking everyone completely by SURPRISE, Rudy Giuliani announced
that he is ready to enter the political ring once again. Giuliani
said he would not rule out a run for U.S. Senator, Governor or President,
and that he would do away with anyone who stands in his way, including
Osama Bin Laden or...
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"That
next step is a doozy, Hill."
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RAMALLAH,
West Bank - As his presidential palace was being ransacked by Israeli
troops last week, Arafat finally came up with what he believed to
be a surefire plan to protect himself.
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"You
wouldn't kill a man with glasses, would you?"
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Amazingly
enough, the plan worked and Palestinian children fled into the streets
and celebrated the only way they knew how...
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"Sticks
and stones may break our bones...But, um, will they ever
take out a tank?"
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Proving
that the PLO believes in equal opportunity for women, their babes
also took to the streets to celebrate and model their new fashions
designed by "Donatella De Dynamite."
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"Think
you can get lucky with me, soldier?"
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15
MINUTES OF FAME LAND - Speaking of explosions...
American
Idol Kelly Clarkson's march to world domination has begun. Hide
the women and children and the identity of anyone who actually bought
the crap.
MILL
VALLEY - Proving that a minimum-wage job is next to impossible
to survive on, an employee at a KFC was arrested after a customer
at the drive-in window received the wrong side order with his
chicken dinner - some pot.
Authorities believe he may have been selling marijuana to customers
who used the right secret word as a code. The secret word "munchies"
also explained why the Mill Valley KFC is the top selling KFC
in the country.
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St. LOUIS - Mark McGuire's comeback attempt fell short this week
when his uniform didn't quite meet team specifications.
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"I
can still swing my bat!"
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WASHINGTON
D.C.- Will the man with the most charisma take one step forward
and say something...anything.
Frankly,
we long for the days of yesteryear, when charisma was really charisma
and Shirley Hemphill was serving it up hot. "Hey,
hey, hey."
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"Rerun
for President in 2004!"
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WASHINGTON - Our skilled U.S. Government gave 48 classified documents
to accused Sept. 11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui by mistake
in what the judge called a grave security breach. (Gee, no kidding.)
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"And
you wonder how we got so far."
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WASHINGTON
- In spite of the security breach and two weeks after putting
the nation on high alert, President Bush lowered the nationwide
terror alert back to code yellow on Tuesday because of so-called
disruptions in the al-Qaida terrorist network.
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"I
see no reason to dip into any more colors right now. We're
cool. Status Quo. I'm gonna bomb something soon though.
Then we change to red."
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As
long as he frees our peeps first!
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