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MALIBU - Nick Nolte ran into a little problem this past week on
the Malibu Highway and in his defense he was only able to mutter
three words:
BEVERLY
HILLS - And as Winona was getting set to go to trial over her
shoplifting charge, a strange thing happened along the way: A
sealed file, which is said to have evidence of Ryder's ''prior
acts'' to establish a pattern of illicit behavior, went missing
for several hours. When asked about the disappearance, Ryder had
three words of her own -
LOS
ANGELES - Also
in court this past week (for his pretrial hearing), Robert Blake
revealed how he is spending his time behind bars: Doing a character-study
of a man he can truly relate to.
Upon
release, Blake's plan is to play the Angel of Death (AKA Dr. Kervokian),
in real life again. A casting call has gone out for a celebrity-sucking-leech
to play alongside him.
SEATTLE
- At a recent fundraiser, Bill Gates gets his favorite song off
his chest -
FLORIDA
- A question for the never-free- and-able-to-do-crack-at-a-drug-treatment
center, Ms. Noelle Bush: Did something happen traumatic happen to
you in your childhood?
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"My
father made me get my hair cut like this since I was 13,
what does that tell you?"
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That
he was doing all he could to avoid incest? |
NEW
YORK - P.Diddy weighs in on the dress code at the MTV VMA Award
after-party: "It must be respected. If your shoes are scuffed
you're going to have a problem. If you're wearing jeans, you're
on the wrong track. Pull out the flyest shit in your closet or have
your stylist pull something for you. Think the Oscars, think the
person you want to marry is inside; think of me at the Kentucky
Derby, my New Year's Eve Party in Miami or my Hamptons White Party."
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"Also
note my fly-ass dress code at my Black Jet Skiing Party
in St. Tropez."
|
Not
invited to the hoe-down but looking on curiously from the White
Surfer Party on the beach...Jack Osbourne.
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"That
is one crazy motherf*cking, Brotha."
|
NEW YORK - Bill Clinton appeared on the Letterman Show on
9/11 to tell Dave how he's contributed to the city's healing.
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"I've
been going around dressed as an honorary member of the NYFD.
You wouldn't believe the ass I'm getting."
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BOSTON
- And kudos to Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston for recently taking
home the Beadiest-Eyed Priest Award.
DETROIT
- Super fan Jackie Chan finally gets fed up enough with the Detroit
Tigers to take matters into his own hands.
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WASHINGTON D.C. - Finally, the pressure of being one of the country's
top marionettes wears thin on Mr. Powell -
|
"All
right, who has the best cure for a hangover? You in the
back row."
|
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"Um,
how about: More drinking, smoking and screwing?"
|
HOLLYWOOD - Speaking of screwing: President Bush now has a new
groupie/stalker/Roseanne to add to his stable...
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"I
have a huge crush on President Bush. I saw him at a recent
fundraiser, and he's a babe. He's got that Ronald Reagan
charm. I think he's hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn't
married I'd be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around."
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The
President was firm in the course of action he would have to take
to avoid such an occurrence...
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"If
she dare comes around in her cowboy boots I will direct
the Secret Service to shoot first and rope and tie her later.
And if they miss, she'll never find me cause I'll be in
my extra super-duper commando disguise..."
|
|
"Will
someone please fetch me my panties. Don't want the President's
cooch to catch cold, do you?"
|
|
"SHAZAMM!
You better cryogenically freeze those legs, girlfriend."
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