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It all makes perfect sense in a seriously imperfect pop culture -- Abba and Elton and Billy musicals -- why not the show that is currently sweeping England off its feet: "Jerry Springer: The Opera." Sure, kick us while our creative juices are a little toxic. You know what they say though: It's okay for us to mock our own trash, but when someone else does it...

Comedy Ave. PRESENTS:

"One Country's Trash,
Is Another Country's Opera "

Hey No. 2, before we begin, let's be absolutely clear on this: Sure, opera is to us Yanks what baseball is to you blokes, but that doesn't make us in-opera-ble. In fact: You limeys cannot HANDLE our future trash -- I mean, operas.

"Well, duh!"

Martha Stewart: The Opera

The Plot:

Due to tragic circumstances beyond her control, Martha is challenged with her most difficult design project yet: Turning her prison cell into a home that even the Biker Bitches From Buffalo will feel comfy embroidering in. Once she gets her "shui" on, the "homie" proceeds to try and domesticate the entire Riker's Island female population.

The Players:

Prima donna Meryl Streep returns to Broadway to bring dignity to an American icon AND tryout yet another accent -- The Martha Stewart Nutley, New Jersey Acid-Washed Pretentious one.

Tip: Bring ear plugs. The set design is fabulous though!

Dr. Phil: The Opera

The Plot:

After doling out hokey advice, one too many times, the good doctor is kidnapped and forced to listen to an entire neighborhood's problems with his mouth taped shut -- and no book deal. Good thing for the neighbors they have plenty of duct tape leftover.


It's a big neighborhood, plan ahead for a long evening.

The Players:

The woman behind the Doc's strings flies in via deus ex machina during the finale to spring him loose, and her next TV Show on him: "Smile, you're on Oprah's: Captive Camera."


The Doc -- now wearing a gas mask to enhance the survivalist experience -- joins in on drum pedal for the touching aria: "Heck, If I Wasn't So Damn Virtuous, I Might Be Writing Fortune Cookies for a Living."

Oprah: The Opera

The Plot:

Oprah tries to take over one of the wealthiest towns in America: Montecito, California -- a backstabbing enclave that makes Dallas look like Mayberry RFD. Heavy pathos ensues when the Big O battles a pack of vicious day-laborers/surfers who surround her compound demanding what's rightfully theirs: a refund for the book club that went bust.

The Players:

Matt Damon plays Oprah's main squeeze, Stedman Graham, a dissonant castrato that ends up introducing Oprah to the fine art of tandem surfing -- because, God knows, they're not going to tandem anything else...


In the 4th Act, Oprah demonstrates how truly California she's become when she sings Brian Wilson's beautiful bel canto: "Like Wow, Dude -- Wouldn't It Be Nice if I Had a Presidential Nomination?"

Wayne Brady: The Opera

The Plot:

In this opera buffa, it's the Battle of the Ruses -- TV executive style -- as a whole chorus of suits go to war over where to fit this amazing talent on the schedule. Major catharsis when Wayne eventually finds his rightful place among TV viewers -- on his hometown Public Access Station.

The Players:

The multi-faceted Brady pulls a first: Not only is he the first black man who survived Drew Carey and went on to star in an opera written by and for himself, but he also signs the entire chromatic scale in this tour-de-farce production. (Word on the proscenium is that it's right up there with Dana Carvey's scintillating "Master of Disguise.")


Actually, the show pretty much stops before it begins. But guaranteed to play great on Channel 47 - Orlando, Florida.

Ricki Lake: The Opera

The Plot:

Ricki visits Tibet and tries to get in touch with her Inner Richard Gere. Exactly. If you thought "La Bohème" was deep…

The Players:

John Waters "diva turn" as a female Chopra is simply divine. His falsetto on a song about Ricki's underlying beauty -- just as Ricki undergoes plastic surgery for an episode of "Extreme Makeover" -- is to die for.


Ricki dons monk attire and levitates well above the riff-raff on the finale ultimo: "Till Death, or Trashy Opera, Do Us Part."

Things to Do While the NBA Playoffs Are Boring the Hell Out of You:

Find a new sport, dude. Quickly.

See if you can't maybe find something useful to do with your life -- like save the rain forests, or if you can't do that, I hear Ben and Jerry's Half-Baked ice cream is to die for.

When in doubt: Go shoot your own reality show.

Is the myth really true? (See below)

(The models used for this toon were non-union, all the way.)

Jerry Springer: The Opera
(the real deal, peeps)

The Plot:

After Jerr is mistakenly shot by a black nappy-fetishist aiming at the Ku Klux Klan, he is off to hell to interview Satan, Jesus, Adam and Eve as if his life depended on it. "Everyone always said I was going to hell," Springer himself commented after viewing a performance, "Now I've seen it."

AS IF we haven't for the last 12 years.

The Players:

One of England's greatest theatre institutions, the National, is so sprung over Jerr that the moron maestro stands a better chance of donning a 17th century magistrate's wig and gown than being elected to office in the states.

Message to her Royal Highness:

Take our Springer, please.


"Three-nipple Cousin-f*#%@r." Enough said.


"I think they may be on to something here. Just kinda sucks that I don't see a dime of it."

"I can honestly say, that I would go to the end's of the earth for Oprah. I can't say the same about you, Ben Lopez."

"I felt deeply connected to Ricki during one minute of one meditation, so I know she must've at least brushed up against some level of Gere-ness. Either that, or there was a furry animal in the room."

© 2003 Comedy Avenue Productions. All rights reserved. Steal our stuff and make money off it, you die a fiery death -- no 72 virgins either.