TOP
SECRET LOCATION -
By Land...
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"That-a
way, Bat Dad." |
By Sea...
| "Under
control, Dad's at the helm." |
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By Air...
The Faux
XXX team, aka the Dynamic Doofuses pledged to finish the job
Papa Doofus started over a decade ago.
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"Ok,
is this the part where am I supposed to be shaking in my camel
boots?"
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HOLLYWOOD
- Casting directors make sure you are tuned to E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'s Anna
Nicole Smith Show this week, as Ms. Smith promises to show the world
what a talented actress she is--and we're not talking fake breasts here.
The former Playboy Model and gold-digger hopes people will finally take
her serious after they see what a funny life she has. The first episode
of fun includes Anna having a panic attack in traffic on the way to
refill her Xanax prescription and swearing off men not-over-85 forever.
Guest star: a mystery Backstreet Boy.
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"And
I thought just once I could get a date with someone over 14."
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LAND
OF FREE - In a page right out of the Robert Downey Jr. School of Acting,
thespian Mike Burton of the TV show Ed got busted while smoking
crack with a homeless man down by the Brooklyn waterfront.
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"This
is by-the-book Robert. Next up for me: rehab, and then probably
a nomination of sorts."
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HOLLYWOOD
- Taking a page out of the Calista Flockheart School of Acting, party
girl Lara Flynn Boyle said: "You hear some celebrities say they
can't go anywhere, even to the grocery store, but who the hell wants
to go to a grocery store anyway?"
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"Now
to Jack's house for some crack, (and I am not talking mine), that's
a different story."
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MEXICO
- The Queen of Pap ended her world tour on a controversial note as rain
showers cut short her final show in Mexico City Sunday night--adding
insult to injury after she made an obscene gesture upon arrival here
last week. So, let's see: first she was caught smoking a cigarette;
next it was dancing with boys, and now flipping off the media. What's
next? A three-some with Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra?
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"Oops...I
am sooooo bad."
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We concur.
Awful. Dreadful. But those breasts...
SHLONG
LAND - Getting married to Pamela Anderson after four days is what Tommy
Lee calls "the biggest mistake of my f*cking life. That was bonehead."
The big penis-er-ah musician has been engaged to Prince's ex, Mayte
for over a year and he says he's not going to rush into anything--with
the exception of branding her with his own particular strain of Hepatitis
C.
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"F*ck,
it's not like she's a Harvard Grad, man. She's just a groupie.
Ya think she really cares? She's got her trophy and I've got mine.
Hepititis A,B,C, it's all good."
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DYSFUNCTIONAL
KINGDOM - Father of actress Angelina Jolie, Jon Voight recently spoke
out with shocking news: His daughter has had severe mental problems
since early on in her life. No way!
Apparently the apple doesn't fall too far from the Feng Shui tree as
Voight, who divorced Jolie's mother before she was a year-old, says
he is deeply depressed that Jolie will not allow him to see his first
grandchild, Baby Maddox.
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"He
can't help me! He can't help my pain! The only thing that can
help my pain is the ludicrous amount of money I make and the next
freak actor who comes along to claim both me, my Billy Bob tattoo,
and my adorable Vietnamese baby, Maddox."
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NEPOTISMVILLE
- It looks like the not-so-famous son of Marlon Brando has finally found
a calling: to work along side Madam Cleo. It was revealed that Christian
Brando had previously warned Bonny Lee Bakley, saying: "You better get
a handle on that and really think about what you're doing, running around
sending letters to guys, embezzling money from all these idiots. You're
lucky--not on my behalf--but you're lucky somebody ain't out there to
put a bullet in your head." Once the bullet rang true, Brando was
contacted by every psychic in the book, none of course who wanted to
cash in on his last name.
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"I
think my father is proud of who I have become, yes. I mean, all
he's done is gone from being a bastard to a big fat bastard. And
I am not advertising Austin Powers when I say that."
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