FREAK
LAND- The Maharishi says what the world needs now is love, sweet love,
and with the help of a mere 1 billion dollars he can accomplish just
that. And we thought Dianetics was good!
The money will be used to train hundreds of "guiding lights of
peace," most in his native country of India. The Rishi says once
his lights are in place--and his 50 escorts, 10 Olympic size swimming
pools, and disco ball--he can rid the entire world of destruction.*
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*"All
except Pakistan who, I promise, will burn to the ground when we
here in India open our can of mushroom-cloud-whoop-ass on them."
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PHILADELPHIA
- Referring to Lil Bow Wow's ability to throw down a slam jam in the
possibly Oscar-winning (according to many ass kissing critics in cities
you've never heard of) basketball movie Like Mike, the literate,
and maybe up for a Best Supporting Thug award, Allen Iverson asks: "How'd
he do that?"
Well Allen, you should know this formula: You take one part rap bastard,
add some drugs, or in this case: electrocution (basically the same thing),
travel with a large, and very intelligent posse, carry a "piece"
and pistol-whip the wimpiest Jewish movie mogul you can find and voila:
You have the talent to be a star, in any medium.
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"Yo
Dawg, the only thing I really want "like Mike" is the
endorsement deals so I can afford all the hookers and blow...and
money to get a haircut at Supercuts so I don't look like a girl."
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NEW YORK
- Speaking of dawgs, Japanese professional speed-eater Takeru "The Tsunami"
Kobayashi destroyed the competition for the second consecutive year
at the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July international hot dog eating contest,
scarfing down 50½ hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes. Which tops the old
record of sinking his hot dog into 42 intern buns in 15 minutes, set
by former President Bill Clinton.
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"When
I think of some of those buns he porked, I just couldn't hold
them down anymore and the Jackie Chan of hot dogs won."
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PHILADELPHIA
- Bill Cosby is on a witch hunt. He kicked longtime family friend Gladys
Rodgers, who lived with the Cosby clan at their Philadelphia estate
since 1983, out of his home after his spiritual advisor, David Kirby,
said he found evidence that the woman is a witch. In her defense, Rogers
claims she is not a witch, only a Methodist. Whereas Cosby claims he
is not a comedian, only a man who has seen the Crucible one too
many times.
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"Just
because I see witches, you think I inhale?"
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MIAMI -
Saddam Hussein's stepson, Mohammed Nour al-Din Saffi, has been arrested
on immigration charges after enrolling in a flight school that had been
used by one of the 9/11 hijackers. According to the INS, Saffi was traveling
as a tourist and had not applied for a student visa that would have
allowed him to take courses. He his, however, eligible to apply for
the position of janitor at the San Onofre Power Plant. And you thought
we're not a great country.
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"I
am highly offended that my kin has been treated so badly by America
and cannot understand why."
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WASHINGTON
D.C. - Growing numbers of teenagers are spending their summers hanging
out by the pool or at the mall instead of flipping burgers, mowing yards
or even looking for a job. Which means, hide your drugs well, ma and
pa.
This summer, economists expect the rate of teens who shun summer jobs
to hit an all-time high. Also on the rise will be Red Bull & Jack
ODs, genital crabs, and the ratings for the Anna Nicole Smith Show
on E!
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"I
just want to give the kids something to bring back to Show &
Tell if they do decide to return to the classroom in the fall.
I myself will be returning to the court room to fight till the
end for the money my beloved 145-year-old husband left me."
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LOS ANGELES
- Ten years after playing the saxophone on MTV in a defining moment
of his 1992 campaign for president, Bill Clinton is returning to the
cable music channel to discuss the global AIDS epidemic. Clinton will
join a panel and be on hand to describe how, contrary to other tendencies,
he always practices safe sax.
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"I
will never blow his horn, refuse to blow his horn, but if he ever
wants to sit down with a nice Cuban cigar..."
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LAND
OF OZ- Sharon Osbourne underwent cancer surgery this past weekend and
the aching question is, Will it make an episode of next season's show?
Die-hard fans, who are biding summer time away by watching Brandy learn
the proper breathing techniques for her first baby's birth!, say they
deserve to be shown the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Otherwise
how can MTV say it upholds solid American values any longer?
Sharon:
When the time comes, I will make the decision that is best for
my family and all the millions of people who have nothing better
to do in their lives than pretend they're a part of my family.
Ozzy: I have seen my f*ckin' family, America, and you are not
it. Get a f*ckin' life ya wankers.
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Your Neighborhood
- The Jehovah's Witnesses would like it to be known that they are taking
a little summer break and in the meantime, would like to issue this warning:
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