FALL CELEB-REALITY TV SCHEDULE

Network:

Show: Goodbye, Dolly

Plot: Follow Carol Channing around for her one billionth performance in Hello, Dolly! in hopes that she finally breathes her last breath and says goodbye to Dolly.

Special Guest Star: James Lipton, host of Bravo's Inside the Actor's Studio, will be on hand to ask that final question to Ms. Channing: "If Heaven exists, What would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?"

God: "Hello, Dolly. Don't worry about Lipton bothering you up here, the Hampton's resident will go straight to hell, where he can interview Satan about his favorite methods."

"Join me and my teeth as we sssssing all your fav tunes from the musical Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dream. Oh wait, darling, is that the one?"

Network:

Show: Around the World with 80 Babies

Plot: Follow Angelina Jolie as she travels the globe in search of the perfect babies to adopt.

Special Guest Star: Billy Bob Thornton will be on hand to Federal Express Ms. Jolie fresh vials of his blood so she won't feel alone in Third World countries.

"We are the world, we are the children...Angelina's going to save them all and make a brighter day..."

 

Network:

Show: When Sitcom Stars Become Security Guards

Plot: From "What you talkin' about, Willis" to Security Guard midget-extraordinaire, Facts of Life star Gary Coleman fights crime at the Fox Hills Mall in Los Angeles.

"I always wanted to work with beautiful women and has the power to frisk them. Todd Bridges liked me to do that a bunch. And now he done and got a soap opera job. Figures."

Special Guest Star: In a brilliant coup, Court TV has lined up another show that will simultaneously take place at the Fox Hills mall, two dysfunctional trains off their tracks and ready to collide: Shopping with Winona.

"Mark my words, that little shrimp is going to have his work cut out for him. When I get this cast off and my meds in me, this is going to be some awesome television."

"Do I make you randy, baby?" The Horny Men's Club

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Network:

Show:I'm Ready for my Close-up

Plot: Actress Cybill Sheperd has been developing her show, pitched as a Sex in the City meets Sunset Boulevard, for two years. Two whole years! You know this has to be Must-See TV. Ms. Shepard says she is "going to deal with her current status of a star of my history and where do I go from here?" We're hoping right to the rehab center "Promises" in order to cure her addiction to her own reflection.

Special Guest Star: Ms. Shepard prefers her close-ups alone, therefore look for the only guest stars to be wearing all white and carrying strait-jackets.

"I still have a lot left in me, menopause or not. They wouldn't let me say the word 'vagina' on my last show, you can bet I am going to do more than talk about it on this show."

Show note: Ms. Shepard has already installed a camera in her bathroom, so we can only hope she heads right for her douche to clean out all that narcissism.

Network:

Show: Dissecting the Mind of a Dork

Plot: Doctors dissect the minds of celebrities like Gilbert Gottfried and Carrot Top in attempt to make sure their kind never has a chance of being cloned.

Special Guest Star: Leonard Nimoy narrates this probing look at why comedians like the aforementioned should be sentenced to the death penalty.

"Hey, boys and girls, if Ozzy can do it, why not me?"

"Oh, f*ck off, Carrot Stick...I have seen myself, and you, my friend, are no myself."