WASHINGTON
- President and humanitarian
George W. Bush signed an intelligence order earlier this
year directing the C.I.A. to topple Saddam Hussein. George Bush/intelligence
order, intelligence order/George Bush...oxyMORON? You decide.
Jesse Ventura in 2004!
Senate
Majority Leader Tom Daschle agrees that "there is broad
support for a regime change in Iraq"--mainly of course
between American politicians--"the question becomes when
we do it and how."
The President used his I.Q. to recommend sending in the 69th
BDSM Biker's Battalion out of San Francisco, led by someone
you might be familiar with.
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"You
can count on more than just an ordinary ass kicking here.
Whips, chains, electric nipple clamps...these are a few
of my favorite things."
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June
17, 2000
To: Saddam Hussein
From:
V.P. Dick Cheney
Dear
Mr. Evil Axis member:
I
am wondering how evil you will look once you are hog-tied
with your pecker in a cat's cradle, a ball-gag in your mouth
and dressed in your 18th wife's jilbab?
See
ya soon...slave,
Big
Dick Cheney
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"It's
my funeral and I'll whack you if I want to."
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QUEENS
- The famous mobster John Gotti was put to rest this past week with
a funeral service that pulled out all the stops. The two-day wake
included larger than life flower arrangements, and a procession
of 100 cars (led by Gotti's hearse) that cruised by the old neighborhood
and later stopped by Jimmy "the Weasels" house to collect
an old debt. Afterwards, only Jimmy's three front teeth could be
found for comment.
The man known as the "Teflon Don" would have been proud
to have seen not only the 300 people gathered at the cemetery, but
the entertainment, sponsored by Glad Bag.
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"And
they're building a stairway, to heaven...."
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In a
tribute to the mobster, Gotti lawyer Bruce Cutler said: "He
was sincere. He was genuine. He was remarkable..."
He kind of forgot to mention the part about how the Don was a lean
mean psychotic murdering machine. But lawyers being lawyers...let's
just say that Mother Teresa II was buried last week. |
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TEEN
BEAT MAGAZINE - After three years of petting, and six months of
breakup with the Pop Princess of Teflon, N'Stink's Justin Timberlake
says it "hurts too bad to say the words 'break up'." Fortunately
he is still able to say the words: "I am a no-talent lip-synching
cheeseball."
ENGLAND
- Speaking of lips...Move over Sir Elton and Sir Paul, because you're
about to be joined on the throne by...<drumroll> Sir Mick????
Despite not exactly being England's best role model, Jagger is set
to be knighted by the Queen of England. Which is kind of like giving
Robert Downey Jr. the keys to the Mormon Church for a day.
In a related story, Jagger's lips were also inducted into the Collagen
Hall of Fame.
When reached for comment Jagger was ecstatic, and at the age of
58, no longer able to utter anything original...
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"Jumping
Jack Flash, it's a gas, baby."
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WASHINGTON
- Andersen got busted this week for Obstruction of Justice, and
for those of you bred from the MTV Generation, we're not talking
about Pamela getting another "lift" from Dr. Wiener of
Beverly Hills.
When Kid Rock was informed of the good news, he said...
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"My
wiener's not bad. It's just not up to Tommy Lee levels,
ya know. But Pammy's cool with my Oscar Meyer, I think.
Rock on, MTV!"
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ENGLAND
- Prosecutors have been looking for a motive in rapper R. Kelly's
stat rape case while they search for the demon who may have influenced
the "singer." The man who once believed he could fly is
being tried after a videotape was discovered that shows him not
only engaging in sex with underage girls, but urinating on them
in his swimming pool. Record execs are working quickly to do a remake
of his famous song "I Believe I Can Fly," renaming it,
"Even If I Can't Really Fly I Can Piss on You Because I'm a
Star."
Meanwhile, English authorities near a seaside resort in Weymouth,
Dorset have cracked the case wide open and found the accomplice--Georges
the bottle--nosed dolphin.
Swimmers have been warned to stay away from the "sexually frustrated"
dolphin, his M.O. being to isolate female swimmers and gradually
move them away from the beach where he can then mate and urinate
on them.
Upon hearing the exciting news, a FOX television crew rushed to
the remote site to begin filming their next reality show, tentatively
titled Flipper Does Dorset.
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"F*ck
FOX and the dolphin the Whities rode in on."
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PARIS
-Rare we know, but there was another violent rapper in the news
this week. The French, Joey Starr (not related to Ringo) was fined
9,750 Euros after he hit his pet monkey on television, sparking
protest from animal rights activists and Rosie O'Donnell, who as
you know, is jumping on any bandwagon of protest these days.
"All
I can say in the slimeball's defense is that at least he didn't
spank it. When someone starts spanking their monkey, something's
wrong with that person's upbringing. Listen, I'm the mother of 45
adopted children and I assure you, I will be the only one spanking
them or their monkey's. My girlfriend has one in the oven right
now. Not a monkey, our love child, thank you David Crosby, so I
think I know a thing or two about how to take care of kids."
She finished by recommending a 350 degree oven for slow basting,
should anyone care. |
HONG KONG- A Hong Kong woman lost her case for compensation
against a hair salon which she claimed made her look like Osama
Bid Laden. The woman, who said she asked for the "Julia
Roberts," refused to leave the court room until all 50
occupying it could keep a straight face.
The standoff ended well over an hour later when she was drugged
and taken away by an ambulance.
Osama:
"I don't know what all the fuss is about. I dig my hair. And
so do my 500 wives. Can stinkin' George W. say that?"
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3rd
LETTER POSTED ON:
www.dwarfslikeme.com:
"OK,
so I got no replies from the ad I posted on May 27. And that's ok...dicks...As
you know, I am appearing in Goldmember this summer, and I
am gleeful to report that my member is doing just fine now that
I have undergone the "Ron Jeremy" extension process. I
didn't cry, okay? I may be a little person, but I'm not a pussy.
My Untitled Oompa Loompa Project is currently on hold while the
"studio" searches for the proper financing. The f*cks
wouldn't even pay for me to go to Cannes (pronounced 'kens'). In
the meantime, for all my fans out there that are dying to know what
I have been up to lately--not 3 ft tall, haha, you're so funny--here's
been my dealio: Hookers and blow, a few winks in between, some Jack
LaLaine workout tapes, and then more hookers and blow. Gotta run
for now, thanks for being such loyal fans. Pretty soon my action
figure comes out and it even includes my new member! Should be a
hoot for the kiddies.
Love me....Vern T. |
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"Wow,
the little f*ck must be hung."
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