WASHINGTON
- Not only did
George W. Bush know more about 9/11 before the attacks, but
this week it was revealed that the President also knew about Enron
well before their collapse, and his own stupidity long before
he was sworn in as Commander-in-Chief.
In a letter leaked by unknown sources (Ernie & Bert) the President
confesses to his favorite role model.
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June
3, 2000
To: Big Birde
From:
Future Presidentte
Dear
Mr. Birde:
I
no ur only 6 yeers olde, butt stil I feel lik ur my bigg
brotther. Write now I am runing fer the presidentte of the
United Stattes, and between you an me, I am purdy scarred.
Bekause I am afriad the goode peoples of Amerika will diskover
wat I am: stupid. :(
I wish u kould bee my vice-guy, as u are funner then the
olde man dey putt by my cide. Anyweigh, how is ur bestest
freind, Snufflepagus? I wishe I kould bee ur bestest freind.
Cum vizit me in my White Hause one day, k?
Urs
Truely,
George
(Jorge in Mexican) Bushe
P.S.
I hav been practising my Alphabit song!
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HOLLYWOOD
- The "artist" formerly known as Jennifer Lopez
and her husband Chris Judd have parted ways after not even
a year of marriage. A showbiz marriage that didn't last
beyond a year? Say it ain't so. If only it was P. Diddy,
then in addition to the split at least the diva could have
enjoyed a good pistol-whipping.
Represenatives of the couple gave no reason for the spilt,
but if we could read minds...
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HOLLYWOOD
- The E! Network gave Anna Nicole Smith her own Reality
Show, and the reality is, we just can't seem to figure out
which of the three will be starring in it.
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Her
Breasts: "Who do you think moron?"
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Our
bad. |
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MEMPHIS
- Brawler, and all around thug, Mike Tyson met his maker
Satuday night, getting KO'd in the eighth round by champion
Lennox Lewis. Not that Mike could've figured it out anyway,
but when the ref asked him a pertinent question, Iron Mike
was clueless.
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On
the other hand, the "pugilist" Lennox Lewis was
just smart enough to figure out how many fingers he should
up.
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Of
course, when he was finally able to stand, Mr. Eyes Wide
Shut--showing that his PR people and meds worked fine--thanked
Lewis for kicking the shit out of him and then asked for
something that apparently he was the only one to see...
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"I
hope you give me another chance to fight you, because I'm
pretty sure I can beat you."
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Now
there's a desperate man unable to hear the music the rest
of the world was rejoicing in...
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BEVERLY HILLS - Poor Winona, first a cameraman sprained her arm
and then the judge refused to dismiss felony charges against her.
And to add a another insult to injury, the security guard on duty
the day she "allegedly" robbed Saks said he thought she
was a homeless person. What's next? Everyone Winona ever slept with--which
includes the entire rock n' roll world--coming forward to say that
she was a lousy lay?
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"I
may be a lousy lay and a thief, but I am not a homeless
person."
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"So
maybe the qualifications of being in a Boy Band aren't
as tough as going to space. So what."
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CAPE CANAVERAL - The new commander of the International Space
Station quipped on Saturday that he would rather see supermodel
Cindy Crawford become the next space tourist to visit the station
than boy-band performer Lance Bass. And if given the choice,
would you rather be trapped in space with: someone who could
kill you softly with their song, or someone who you could snap-one-off
to softly while she's asleep?
Cindy: "I think the decision should come down to brains."
Russian Astronauts: "I smuggled some extra toilet paper for
you, Ms. Crawford." |
LOS
ANGELES -Although he stated that homosexuals should be respected,
the Reverend Falwell started his appearance on a Nickelodeon News
Special Edition: My Family Is Different with a disclaimer:
"The Bible condemns homosexuality as wrong," and "I feel that gay
parenting is not overall a good thing."
Also
on the program, Rosie O'Donnell, a mother of three adopted children,
grabbed her crotch and called out to the Reverend, "I got your
respect right here, Cisco." At which time she opened her fly
and out came respect, all 10 inches of it. |
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2nd
LETTER POSTED ON:
www.dwarfjobs.com:
"Ok,
so I got no replies from the ad I posted on May 27. And that's ok...jerks...I
am appearing in Goldmember this summer, and although my member
would be considered far less then bronze, I have received enough
money to develop my own project, "The Untitled Oompa Loompa
Project." If Mike Myers can play all those parts, you don't
think I can get famous playing every Oompa Loompa part? Wake up
and smell the coffee, my career is set and I don't need to be your
stinking Cabana Boy anymore. And if it made sense to tell you to
get on your knees and suck my dick, then I would. But actually,
if you were on your knees, you would probably come up to my forehead..."
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"Yeah,
the little f*ck has a point there."
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