PITCH 1 - Austin Powers Night

Fans still standing when the seventh-inning stretcher arrives will be cleared to enter the "Yeah, Baby!" Time Machine and travel back to the glory days of the Jay's 92-93' repeat champs. Those NOT standing will be treated to a rendition of "Take Me Out to the Hospital," by Burt Bacharach and Mini Me, as they're being carted off the field.

PITCH 2 - Free "Learn the Signs" Clinic

Fans arriving before the game -- and after the first shuttle to the hospital -- will be taught genuine major league hand signals. Imagine the fun when you learn 101 new ways to scratch your own nuts! And to think you passed on the Genital Origami class in college.

PITCH 3 - Free Protective Mask Night*

Complete with a 2003' new Jays emblem on it! Oh the joy when the scare is over and you put your mask up for auction on E-Bay! Who's in da money now, baby? (Other than the local hospitals, that is).

*for 1st 30 fans in attendance

PITCH 4 - Trade for Derek Jeter

Do it now! while he's not yet back to full strength and Gen. George is still hating-down on his party habits. The "Hunk Factor" is guaranteed to pack your stadium nightly -- unless of course we find out that Jeter is the major leaguer that has been rumored to bat from the other side of the plate. Ouch. SOS! Save our Studs.

PITCH 5 - Village People Family Reunion & Fireworks Show

Speaking of studs...Just think of the magic when the Village People perform YMCA while handling their own pyrotechnics! Can you say: Lawsuit! Nevertheless, if the V-Peeps manage to get one "wave" started, they have done their civic duty and can retire once again to the Big YMCA in the Skydome -- because no way in hell they will ever get out alive. Can anyone actually name a second song these dress-ups have sung?

PITCH 6 - Groupie/Player Orgy Night

No need to stick around for even one inning after this pre-game ceremony. Protection? Who needs stinkin' protection when your whole city is going to be quarantined until 2005? Mills Lane makes a special appearance, via satellite, to chime in: "Let's Get it On!"

PITCH 7 - Win

It's called "a winning record." Hint: You don't have one. You want SARS to be the excuse throughout the summer and on into the fall, just keep on losing, suckas. It will be interesting to see how many seats you sign on Fan Appreciation Day -- cause there ain't gonna be anybody left in them to watch your sorry-asses play.