WASHINGTON D.C. - Well, President
George Bush done did it again: He lied about what he and his
administration knew about terrorist warnings prior to 9/11. But
the president can rest assured that even though his popularity rating
may take a dip, it should soar right back up again the minute he
invades Iraq and slaughters thousands of starving people.
LONDON - Former host of the Weakest
Link, Anne Robinson, had some harsh parting gifts (comments)
after her show was canceled. Not only did she whip President Bush
for attempting to wave at Stevie Wonder; a soap opera star for saying
there were 60 minutes in a half-hour; but she also took a shot at
all American citizens when she said we had the attention span of
a flea on crack. Wait a second...what were we writing about? |
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"I
smoke a little dope for you...forever and ever.... "
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MIAMI
- Singer Dionne Warwick was busted in the Miami Airport after
author-i-tees found 11 marijuana cigarettes
in a lipstick container. (Who are we trying to fool? Like we here
at the Ave. are as pure as the driven snow. They're called joints,
blunts, doobs, and yes, we have inhaled).
Fans of the singer may want to say a little prayer for the diva,
or they may just want to donate $4.99 a minute to her favorite
charity--The
Psychic Friend's Network. It all makes sense now, doesn't
it. Miss Cleo--Jamaica--dope. Send in the feds.
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HOLLYWOOD
- Because you asked for it, Celebrity
Boxing Part Deux hits the mat this week. Unfortunately, John
Wayne Bobbit, star of the hit movie Frankenpenis,
decided to warm up on an unsuspecting sparring partner--his newly
crowned wife--and was removed from the taping. FOX does have their
standards, you know!
Stepping in for the cut "fighter", wrestling phenom Chyna
will instead go a few rounds on the canvas with Joey Buttafuoco.
When reached for comment, Buttafuoco's stable of steeds were just
praying that their sweetheart comes back in one piece. |
NEW
YORK - Winona
Ryder hosted the finale of Saturday Night Live this past weekend
and managed to steal everything but the laughter.
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"Live!
From My Very Own Garage Sale: It's all your possessions!"
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JOHANNESBURG
- Last week a South African police sting operation bagged a murderer
and the human head he was trying to sell for use in traditional
medicine. Soon after, a similar copycat crime was discovered here
in the States.
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"My
medicine is this: You mess with Israel, or Texas, chop,
chop, score one more for the home team, Ahab."
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WASHINGTON D.C. - Saying the genie was already out of the bottle,
cloning expert Panayiotis Zavos said he would try to create a human
clone by impregnating one lucky woman later this year.
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"Um,
shot gun! Yo, sign me up."
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And
They Called it...Puppy Love
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"When
you're up to 75 pounds, I'll buy you a moo-moo."
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HOLLYWOOD-
Lovebirds Harrison Ford and Calista Flockheart were recently spotted
cooing together at a local movie theater. An usher, Gary Coleman,
formerly of the Facts of Life, said, "Her arm was around
his waist, and they didn't take their eyes off each other. They
acted as if no one else was around." The nerve!: Believing
they were real people and not some dysfunctional Tinseltown couple.
Coleman went on to report that the two ordered a "Diet Pepsi
for him, a pink lemonade for her, and a medium size popcorn to split."
After which, Ford proved his undying compassion for Flockheart by
administering the Heimlech Maneuver so Ms. Twiggie could live to
eat a rice cake another day. |
| NEW
YORK - A couch picked up by sanitation workers on a street in the
Bronx was stuffed with about $8 million dollars worth of cocaine,
and of course the cops have no idea how it got there. Comedy Ave.
is going to give them a little tip and round up the usual couch-potato... |
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"After
that much f*cking blow, I'm the first one to jump off the f*cking
couch and cry f*cking foul! I had nothing to do with it...Wish
I did."
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HOLLYWOOD
- In a Vanity Fair interview, actress Reese Witherspoon, in all
seriousness, said, "I think if acting didn't work out for me,
I could be a professional trampolinist."
OK, OK, take a deep breath and rest assured all you professional
trampolinists, believe it or not, your job security is all right
for now. |
| QUEBEC
CITY- In a perfectly Darwinian case of "live by the crap, die
by the crap," last week a Canadian farmer drowned in his own
pile of manure. |
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SACRAMENTO - You can take the coach out of the city, but you
can't take the whine out of the coach. Case in point, former
Portland Trailblazer coach, and now Sacramento King's, Rick
Adelman.
But
you know, you would cry too if it happened to you: You switch teams,
the deck gets reshuffled, yet you still wind up with five unarmed
Christians to go up against the other team's two deadly lions.
To help prove that whining does indeed start at the top: Star player
Chris Webber's pouts are about as legendary as middle-child Jan
Brady's.
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| FORT
LAUDERDALE - The online personal ad read: "Hi, I'm Bill. I'm
a compassionate, 6'2" 200 lbs. athletic guy who enjoys Mediterranean
food, the poetry of Keats, and Baroque music." What the ad
failed to mention was that William Coday used hammers to kill two
ex-girlfriends. In similar fashion, we took the liberty to clip
and save another personal for you below: |
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Personals
at:
www.cyberspace-inmates.com:
"Hey,
my name is Bobby.
I'm an ornery, jaded, stocky short-shit who has a fetish for cockatoos
and the Stanisklavski Method. I'm good to go with any starf*cker
who doesn't mind someone whose career left town and headed for hell-in-a-hand
basket a long time ago."
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"I
have never been in f*cking prison, so we could've never f*cking
met there, OK? Don't f*cking ask me where we f*cking did f*cking
meet. Like I would f*cking remember that???"
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Billy
Bob Writes the Songs
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| ROME
- Also singing this week, The
Pope celebrated his birthday in fitting fashion. |
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"It's
my party and I'll lech if I want to, lech if I want to...."
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FLORIDA
- A couple of weeks ago, the Princess of Pop, Britney
Spears was photographed smoking a cigarette. This week she
was again caught in a Kodak moment--bumping and grinding with
a couple of lucky frat boys. We plead with you, Mr. Timberlake,
please take her back before she ends up in David
Crosby's Sperm Donor Program.
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"Whoever
is up for a game of quarters to be dropping down in Britney's
cleavage, raise both your hands.
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