WASHINGTON
D.C. - At the annual White House correspondent dinner, President
Bush tried to prove how hip he is by recognizing Ozzy
Osbourne in the audience; which, despite Bush's fine education
level, is not quite as difficult as finding Waldo.
When Ozzy responded by standing up on his chair and waving to the
wildly cheering crowd like a trained seal, Bush said, "OK,
Ozzy...Might have been a mistake," while throwing him a live
bat so he'd calm down and do his next trick: sit the f*ck down!
Next, Dr. Ruth, who was also in attendance, stood on her
chair and said, "Sex with Ozzy must be like vernacular with
the president: Sometimes not everything fits properly into the right
hole." To which Osbourne's wife could only nod her head in
agreement. |
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"When
I snap my fingers, you will all believe I speak perfectly good
American. "
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CUBA
- Fidel Castro spoke perfect Bushenese himself after the U.S. accused
Cuba of helping other countries with biological weapons, Castro
calling it a "lying blatantly" on the part of the Bush
administration.
Castro then went on to explain what motive he would have to help
anyone (another country) out, should he decide to help anyone out,
not that he was helping anyone out. |
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What's
the World Coming To?
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Quayleville
- Former vice presidential candidate Dan Quayle jumped on the family-values
bandwagon tour this past week when he praised The Osbournes for
being a model American family.
"In a strange way, Ozzy is a great anti-drug promotion,"
Quayle said. "Look at him and how fried his brains are from
taking drugs all those years. People will say, 'I don't want to
be like that.'"
Quayle then retired to his attic and bit the head of a bat, drank
it's blood, and proceeded with his 6587th attempt to spell the word
"potatoe" correctly. |
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LOS
ANGELES - Judge Lance Ito, who presided over the O.J.
Simpson case, has applied to be moved from his high-profile
judge duties to juvenile court. Which is kind of like Kato Kaelin
packing up and moving from O.J.'s Brentwood estate to a Pacific
Palisades YMCA.
Speaking of Kaelin, the former standup comedian recently filmed
a television pilot called Houseguest. "It's a show where
I go across America and knock on doors of unsuspecting folks and
stay with them for the weekend...It's an absolute ball," Kaelin
said.
We can only hope that somewhere along the line, Kaelin has a ball
when he knocks on a certain someone's door-
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Bush
& Sharon Make Nice-Nice
|
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"So,
they still feeding you well over there, King Tut?"
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| WASHINGTON
D.C.- Initially the news of Sharon's early departure from Washington
was attributed to a flare up in the Middle East, but it can now
be reported that the real reason Sharon cut his visit short was
because he was upset over news of Bush and Arafat's new enterprise... |
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"One
sniff of our new cologne and everyone will feel a lot gayer about
everything."
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| Atlanta
- While out publicizing his new joint venture, Bush had time to
stop at a Boys Club and feel up a small black child. |
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"Mommy,
look, the funny smelling white man is touching my boobies."
|
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"I
didn't touch the kid's boobies. I can tell you from feeling her
up, that she didn't have any boobies."
|
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"They
say bad habits start at the top. Tsk, tsk."
|
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SANTA
MONICA - Nicole
Kidman's stalker Matthew Hooker
not
only wants all the gross proceeds from Moulin Rouge and The
Others, but he also has filed a $200 million defamation suit
against everyone from Bill Gates to the New York Times, claiming
the entire world has put his 2004 run for the presidency in jeopardy.
In his own defense (on his website: matthooker.com), Hooker claims
he is handsome, cultured, civilized, a composer, screenwriter,
actor, producer, speaks five languages, loves animals of all kinds,
cooks, hikes, bikes, boats, owns several international businesses,
is destined for the presidency, great wealth, and most importantly,
a great love with one special woman.
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May
11, 2002
Nicole
Kidman
The Home I Must Keep 200 Yards From
Santa Monica, CA. 90404
re: The future First Lady?
Dear Nicole,
Are you sure you won't reconsider?
All
my love, talent, passion & psychosis,
President
Matt H.
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Definitely reconsidering are the parents of the second most popular
boy's name in 2001 (Matthew). Parents are thinking of changing
the name to another seven-letter word beginning with 'M': Mistake.
On the other hand-
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 |
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"We
are not a f*cking mistake, America!"
|
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Time
to Brush up the Karma
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| Spiritual
Land - Aren't Buddhists supposed to attract good energy into their
lives? Well then how do you explain the reincarnated Lama Steven
Segal and fellow Buddhist Richard
Gere attracting a major lawsuit and a stalker into their lives,
respectively? At this rate you wonder when the Dalai Lama will receive
a tax audit and a bad biological apple in the mail from Fidel Castro.
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Closing wishes:
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"Give
my regards to Broadway."
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