| FLORIDA
- The sensitive
Jeb Bush broke down and wept at a Florida drug summit this week
while thanking attendees for their prayers and support following
his daughter Noelle's arrest on drug charges. "I knew I was going
to do this," the governor of Florida said. "Bush men always cry." |
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"Ready,
on three--let's break huddle and cry like woosies."
|
| Noelle's
only comment after she heard of her father's breakdown was: |
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"My
dad has always supported me and molested me since I was a child
and for that, I thank him. Oh yeah, tell him he can come to the
home with the four white walls and borrow some antidepressants
from me."
|
| The
Jebster followed up his sobbing with, "I apologize for crying, it's
a little genetic problem I got from my dad." |
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"What
a kidder! Tell that dopey brother of mine that the president of
the United States does not cry, or play with dolls...unless of
course it's my own.
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"I
got you, you
rotten evildoer. Now I'll take you to my leaders...Oh right,
I am the leader."
|
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"If
his action-figure was dressed like this, trust me, he'd do more
than cry."
|
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"If
I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the mor-rr-ning..."
|
| NEW
YORK - Break out the party favors and WNBA tickets because Rosie
O'Donnell's longtime girlfriend, Kelli Carpenter, is pregnant.
Supposedly no word on who the father might be, but we here at
Comedy Ave. rounded up the
usual suspect. |
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"Rosie,
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
|
| MINNESOTA
- Jesse "the Mind" Ventura is up in arms over the closing down
of the century-old governor's mansion as a part of budget cuts
he complains fall unfairly on him. The shutting down of the estate
will save $375,000, but Ventura will continue to receive his daily
allowance of $500 dollars so he can continue to fraternize with
close friends in Atlantic City. |
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"Two
hookers for my friend the governor and I."
|
| Meanwhile,
a political supporter of Ventura's is designing a video game that
will feature several things, including: "the Moron"
wielding a sword to cut state legislators off at the knees; ethical
questions that people will be able to compare with the governor's
own answers; and a nuclear device that will have the capacity
to destroy the entire state of Minnesota and the fine people that
voted for him. |
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| HOLLYWOOD
- Robert Blake's
bail has been denied and because he doesn't have enough money to
retain Johnny Cochran, he has hooked up with another soulmate, Miss
Cleo, in an attempt to channel the spirit of Baretta in hopes
of solving this very baffling case. When reached for comment, his
former costar Fred had a few words of advice for the ex-thespian:
|
COMEDY
AVE - The real Moron of the Week Award goes to Bonny Bakley's brother,
Jerry, who was arrested in San Diego after authorities spotted him
on 20/20 last week trying to get his 15 minutes of fame in.
The road scholar was wanted on charges of violating a court parole
order stemming from a conviction on drug and grand theft charges.
In other Bakley Family news, the duo's mother is up for the Jerry
Springer Mother of the Year Award. |
|
HOLLYWOOD
- Ally
McBeal is on the way out, as guest stars for the final
episode are on the way in: Robert Downey Jr., Courtney Thorne-Smith,
Barry White, and all the regurgitated rice cakes Ally managed
to hold down over the years.
|
|
"No,
apparently I can't have my rice cakes and eat them too."
|
| AUSTRALIA
- Last week the Princess
of Pubescent Pop was photographed sprinting for the cover of
her hotel room with a cigarette in her right hand and one pressing
thought in her head: Oh god, I hope they can't see through the blinds
and my big black bellhop that is waiting for me. |
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"Quick!
Put a sock on that thing or something, it's huge."
|
| When
reached for comment, family pastor Rev. David Kelly said, "Smoking
and drinking isn't what Christ wanted. It's disobedient." He went
on to say that if Britney was a boy, he would surely show him a
thing or two. |
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"These
kids just keep growing away from the Church, and I can never understand
why."
|
SAN
DIEGO- Vice principal Rita Wilson, from Rancho Bernando High School,
went a step too far last weekend when she lifted up the skirts
of teenage girls in an attempt to make sure they weren't wearing
inappropriate underwear to a school dance. As compensation for
her firing, Ms. Wilson has being named CEO of
SanDiegoG-StringHoes.com
|
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"I
never knew I had it in me until Miss Wilson pulled up my skirt
and all the boys started hooting and hollering at my cooch."
|
"So
you say you're not ready to see a VW full of circus midgets climb
out of their car and gang bang an aging sitcom star..."
The Horny Men's Club
|
|
| HOLLYWEIRD-
You want to know what it takes to make $20 million dollars? Apparently
a lot of heroin, a dysfunctional family, and a firm bastardization
of the English language. |
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"We
would just like to say: Yeh, we're f*ckin' freaks, but we're rich
f*ckin' freaks, America."
|
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"Are
you ready for some serious hard-hitting TV, America?"
|
| NEW
YORK - Using America's First F*cked Up Family as a bargaining chip,
former president Bill Clinton managed to finagle a $50 million-a-year
offer from NBC to have a show of his own. Television insiders (Jeff
Probst) believe that when Mr. Clinton understands the demands of
the job, which include speaking fluent "Fuckenese," he will decline
the offer. Other sources (Rev. Farakhan) say that Mr. Clinton has
aspirations of being the next Oprah. When asked what his first book
club recommendation would be, Clinton said, "Whatever it is, it'll
have to be something after my own heart, something that just makes
me tingle." Maybe like- |
 |
| HOLLYWOOD
- More TV news: FOX has just announced their summer reality programming
schedule. First up "I Want a Husband: Alaska," in which five
women go in search of the perfect Eskimo mate in the frozen tundra;
winner gets to dine on whale blubber and be laid in the igloo of
her choice, before being tied to the dog sled until death do them
part. Next up, "American Idol: The Search For a Superstar," a contest
amongst singing hopefuls in which the winner gets to serve as Celine
Dion's tampon-caddy for a whole year; and lastly, "Celebrity Bootcamp,"
a grueling battle amongst famous celebs to see who can go the longest
without their personal assistants, stalkers and pet therapists.
|
| NEW
YORK - After not-so-glowing reviews on his latest bomb, Woody Allen
has agreed in theory that the public has indeed tired of seeing
his screen persona shack up with women more than half his age. Allen
says that he may forgo the "young broads" the next time
around and return to his first fetish. |
|
"What
can I say? She really responds to direction well."
|
HOLLYWOOD
- Spiderman shot his web all over the country this past weekend,
taking in an estimated "a lot of f*cking money," according
to one industry insider.
Which is great news for Sony Pictures and lousy news for Herpes
Man, who despite his constant gift for giving, still cannot manage
to get a movie deal, or a cure for the common shanker. |
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