SGT. SHAQUILLE O'NEIL'S:
PLAYOFF RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Rule No. 1:
Any team with two or more convicted felons, who own copies of the movie Half-Baked, shall not be allowed to flap their gums until they are back in their own yard, fresh from getting more than their cells swept. At which time, probation officer may beg the warden for another inmate to "improve" the asylum -- or at the very least, reinstatement of the prisoner's Oz privileges.

Rule No. 2 (Also referred to as the Shanghai Shaft):
In order to head off World War III, any foreign player who is over 7'4'' and misses the playoffs WILL be entitled to ONE free frappuccino while he crouches (real low, so as not to disturb Purple and Gold Royalty) courtside to watch the Big Ambassador in combat action.

Rule No. 3:
Any team of "Queens" which enlists either Ralph Nader or Johnnie Cochran to do their whining, before the playoffs, shall be deemed unqualified to compete with the real kings and ordered back to their cow-town for a good ringing of their own bells. (Not the Anita Ward disco version.)

"I would be so honored to have Mr. Jackson ring my bell any time! And can you ask Kobe if he'd like to come along? Oh yeah: Gooooo Lakers! Peace-out, kiddies."