- After Arizona Diamondbacks outfielder Luis Gonzales' used-chewing
gum was recently auctioned off for $10,000, the Vatican went a step
further and auctioned off a pair of Elian Gonzales' used-underwear
I can't have the boy..."
a related story, during last week's summit with American cardinals
the Pope stopped just short of a Zero Tolerance Policy.
will be your father figure, Elian."
D.C. - Upset that they weren't included in the summit, nor fondled
properly, the Berkeley Church of Sex, Drugs & Rock n' Roll marches
they marched, George
W. Bush entertained His Royal Blanketness in an attempt to keep
the oil pipeline open and clean.
this way, your Oilness, we have a launderer awaiting."
laundering, it was up to Colin Powell to do a spin cycle on Saudi
Prince Abdullah's mind, wiping it clean with one of America's own
you smoke this, you won't even remember who the PLO is."
you read Joe Lust's
Horny Men's Club
assured, Bush and Powell did such a convincing job, economists
predict gasoline prices should stay below $2.50 a gallon the entire
- Prosecutors in the Robert
Blake murder case have found a prime witness to testify against
Mr. Blake for the murder of Bonnie Lee Bakley. The witness claims
that Mr. Blake was often abusive toward him, threatening his life
on many occassions and filling his mind with dastardly profanities.
- A woman known as a drifter was arrested and thrown in jail for
owing the Hazelton Library $120 in late fees for ovedue books, including
a Star Trek novel. When President Bush of Spaced: The Final
Frontier was informed of the harsh penalty, he said not to worry,
he can rest assured that the statue of limitations has passed on
the last book he read and neglected to return.
D.C. - The president's top aide Karen Hughes--who was in charge
of rewriting every statement Mr. Bush made--has quit her post and
is headed back to Texas with her family. When the president got
wind of her departure, he scrambled to find a writer who could live
up to his highest expectations.
N.Y. - Feeling left out that "everyone is a critic,"
last week it finally happened--a real-life turkey decided to to
take his shot at being a big-time mouth piece. When Nancy Arena
arrived at her video store she found the front window smashed
and feathers and movie cases scattered everywhere.
The Bad news: All Steven Segal "turkeys" were locked
securely in a back room.
Good News: Sony Pictures was so impressed with the rampage that
they're currently in negotiations with the bird's agent to sign
him to an exclusive contract.
- Zabibah the King, a play based on a novel by Saddam Hussein,
debuted this past weekend at the Iraqi National Theatre. The tragic
tale about a ruler who falls in love with an unhappily married woman
drew all of Iraq's royalty, including the real-life characters the
story was based on: Hussein himself, and the unhappily married woman,
who was fortunate enough to able to start her own fashion
line with some of the proceeds.
- A historian in northern England says he found a 370-year-old book
proclaiming women are better than men. A few of the chapters include:
"Women loved Christ more than men," "Women wiser
than men," "Women more valiant than men," and "Women
more apt to make asses of themselves on televison shows than men."
Take the Bachelor, for example.
only man that was ever as nice to us while he cut us down to size,
was our group hair dresser, Andre."
Favorite Food: Fish sticks
Favorite Beverage: Cosmopolitan
Favorite Snack: Haley Joel Osment Favorite Sport: Ice Skating
Favorite TV Show: Queer as Folk
Hobbies: Needlepoint, Transgender BINGO at the West Hollywood
3 Adjectives Which Best Describe You: Lisping, Bottom, Ssssissy
Graduated From: The Barbizon School of Hair and Modeling
The Bachelor Has Had 2 Serious Relationships: His Mother &
Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston
The Bachelor's Favorite Magazines: O, Rosie, Martha
The Bachelor Was Born: GAY!
And you thought you were watching Reality T.V. Go figure.