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Personal
of the Week
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Murgatrod
P. Vanderbilt, 29, Aquarius
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Why
you should get to know me:
I am kind, sexy, I blow a mean tuba, and my
mother always comes first. Oh yeh, I like vanilla
ice cream, stamp collecting, and am a cloning
advocate and wouldn't hesitate to get myself
spawned.
Turn-ons:
The color white, BINGO, women who don't shave
their upper lip, my third grade teacher Ms.
Wentworth, red vines.
Turn-offs: Sports, bubble gum, prickly heat,
women who kiss on first date.
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"I
am an actor, not a murderer. Ask Fred."
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LOS ANGELES - Currently in a nasty battle to save his job
and stay on for a second term as the Los Angeles police
chief, Bernard Parks, in an effort to prove that he is doing
his job efficiently, masterminded the arrest of
ROBERT BLAKE last week for the murder of BONNY LEE BAKLEY...
after only one year.
The coup goes down as one of the quickest arrests in L.A.
city history. With police work like this, who needs criminals?
We say: Bernard Parks for Police Chief, or any office in
L.A., now & forever!
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In a related story, "actor" and wrestling champion the Rock
threw a hissy fit over the weekend and filed a suit in a
Beverly Hills court against Chief Parks for obscuring the
debut of his coup, the Scorpion King.
In the $54 million suit, the Rock alleges that Parks deliberately
arrested "actor" Robert Blake (and his cockatoo) on the
eve of the film's opening in order to steal some of the
film's fire, and attract country-wide attention to Park's
attempt to get a second term, or a guest spot on The
View with Star Jones and Babara Walters.
Even though the intelligently made "Scorpion"
easily conquered the box office with 36.2 million, the Rock
still claimed that the B.O. would have been thicker without
Park's useless politicking going on. The Rock believes that
"useless cinema" is far more essential to the American public.
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"I
got skills that Arnie only dreams about."
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When reached for comment, one of the Rock's biggest fans,
Dortea Murtz, from a trailer park just outside Tallahassee,
Florida, said,
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"Sure
I love the Rock, but when given the choice between
fake mayhem (not the wrestling, mind, you, I know
that is real) and real murder, I chose to stay
indoors all weekend and watch reports on the horrible
killing of my kindred spirit, Bonny Lee Bakley."
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NORTHWEST
- Leave it to a Clackamas, Oregon grand jury to predict when
the Laker/Blazer series should be over by. They set a May 2
hearing to consider felony drug charges against Jailblazer guard
Damon Stoudamire. Which means Lakers in no more than four, and
Damon three to five.
Also facing possible jail time, and on the bill that same date
in a Washington courtroom, Ms. Tonya Harding. The Ice Queen
violated probation after she crashed her pickup truck early
Saturday morning while driving intoxicated. She removed her
inebriated "celebrity" gloves long enough to plead
not guilty, and predict that the Supersonics chances of beating
the Spurs is about as solid as a Nancy Kerrigan kneecap.
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WASHINGTON D.C. - Despite pulling out all the stops on his recent
Mideast mission, Colin
Powell failed to affect any change, other than finding himself
in a Midol moment when Arafat attempted to use party favors
to sway him over to the PLO's side.
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"C'mon,
Big Guy, it's 420 time, chill out."
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While George
W. Bush was telling the press that the mission was a success,
advisors close to the President privately said that there was
only one result that would make Mr. Bush happy.
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"As
I understand it, it was an accidental case of roadkill.
And yes, I do plan to go lawn-bowling later."
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"I
do believe I can fly."
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Before his departure, Powell took one last memorable look back
at all his fans.
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"Go
home you yankee infidel! Tell George Steinbrenner he
sucks too!"
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WASHINGTON
D.C. - After a joint session with his séance staff this week
(aka the Three Stooges: Kenny Kingston, Miss
Cleo, and Ari Fleischer), president Bush came out with a
bold prediction: A "Spring thaw" on more terrorism; which is
just about as brilliant as saying there's a Psychic Network
sucker born every day.
Fortunately, the consultation only cost the presdient $4.99
a minute and he was able to take advantage of the first three
minutes free.
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"Smile
gang, we're on Candid Camera."
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ROME - The Pope summoned several of the U.S.'s top Cardinals
to Rome this week, not to discuss a recent spate of charges
against the church, but to celebrate the shooting down of Child
Pornography laws. The cardinals celebrated with two kegs and
a game of quarters, a screening of Boy Scouts From Bologna,
and entertainment by the "father-figure" himself, George Michael.
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"Damn
those blimey priests. This costume used to work so good."
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NEW YORK - Speaking of pedophiles, Woody Allen is in the news
after former wife Mia Farrow refused to let film historian Richard
Schickel use any clips of her in a documentary he made about
Allen. Schickel was then forced to cut a large chunk out of
his piece, which is just what Mia has wanted to do to the 98-year-old
Allen's piece all along.
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"Oy
vey, I just wish she would see me as my fans do: a filmmaker
first...then a pedophile."
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WASHINGTON D.C.- The FBI came out with a mid-range, yellow
caution flag this week, warning banks in the Northeast to
be on the look out for possible suicide bombers. They tried
to assure customers that they will be absolutely safe doing
their banking, but priests nationwide still decided to toss
in a white flag of their own, and therefore they won't be
making any more "minor deposits" for awhile. When
asked about the "deposits," Father
Guido Sarducci replied,
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"Don't
frock with me about the minor deposits, all right?
We're stressed-out enough over this whole sticky
mess."
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THE HOLLYWOOD SQUARE - Whoopi Goldberg is leaving her
gig as the center square on the Hollywood Squares after
a salary dispute with King World Productions, to which
we can only reply: WHOOPIE! Our mundane lives will never
be the same. Here's wishing the serious thespian luck
on being the second African-American woman to win an Oscar.
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"The
white man has spoken, unfortunately for them,
so has the black woman--they can expect a call
from Johnnie Cochran soon enough."
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LOS ANGELES - Are you ready for the next Spears? You'd better
be, because 11-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is poised and waiting
in the wings to follow in her famous sister's footsteps. Also
waiting in the wings, Dr. Milton Slash of the Beverly Hills
plastic surgery firm of Slash, Stuff & Viola.
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"However
you get em', you got to strut them, girlfriend...I
would also like to thank Glad Bag for sponsering me."
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MILWAUKEE - "Every day is game day" for the Bucks,
except of course beginning this week during the NBA playoffs.
The talented Milwaukee team, out of the playoffs and losers
of their last 16 out of 22 games, are resting comfortably
after their final team meeting, which included milk and cookies,
and of course, cyanide. Look for them to be guests on HBO's
Six Feet Under soon.
EARTH, MAN - Saturday was 420 Day (i.e. time to get high!),
a day which will go down in infamy as also being Hitler's
Birthday. Kind of makes you wonder what the sour Kraut would
have done if he knew the meaning of the date? Start a jam
band with the Third Reich instead?
God, how different life may have been--World War II could've
just been a Battle of the Bands between Hitler and the Grateful
Dead.
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"Truckin'...down
in Berlin town..."
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FLORIDA
- The mother of a 15-year-old boy who crashed a stolen plane
into a Tampa high-rise is suing the maker of the acne drug
Accutane for $70 million, saying the medicine prompted her
son's suicide. When reached for comment, the boy's alcoholic,
crack-addicted mother, who was with her fifth husband at the
Daytona Motor Speedway, said,
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"I
tried to tell the punk that zits don't make the man."
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Nope,
I guess sucking on your Old Lady's nipples in public do.
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