WASHINGTON
D.C. - This week, president George
W. Bush came out against all aspects of cloning, saying:
"If anything went wrong in the process, it could be disasterable."
See evidence below.
|
"Hey
wait a minute, you're not as smart as me."
- The Monkey
|
Bush also came out and defended the Catholic church this
week, saying that priests only needed to add one thing
to their daily routines in order to lower their testosterone
and help them resist the urge to copulate with young boys.
|
"Da-kind,
bra. Resisting the urge to munch-out is up to
you, of course."
|
Afterwards,
Bush rushed off to an oval office meeting with Edmund
Stoiber, a leading opposition candidate with the Christian
Social Union party in Germany. The president had a hard
go of keeping a straight face when Stoiber noticed the
Official Oval Office bong and asked what it was used
for."
|
|
"It's
definitely used for inhaling, I can tell you that, Major
Hochstetter.""
|
NEW
YORK - New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg was branded poster
boy for NORML (National Organization for the Reform of
Marijuana Laws) this week after a comment he made in a
2001 magazine article surfaced. Bloomberg was quoted as
saying he had smoked marijuana and liked it.
Bloomberg
was not happy that the words came back to haunt him, and
said that all city marijuana laws will continue to be strictly
enforced. He also let it be known that he is introducing
a bill that would make it mandatory to have a Ms. Fields
on every street corner.
In other New York drug news, a 12-year-old boy from Nigeria
swallowed 87 condoms filled with heroin, flew to New York
and became sick before meeting whoever had promised him
$1,900 to act as a contraband courier.
The good news: Authorities say that 85 of the 87 balloons
have left his system…The bad news: All 85 balloons are missing,
as is Ozzy Osbourne.
Over at MTV, led by the incoherent mumblings of its star
(I sense an Emmy), The Osbournes are so popular that
the network is now getting set to launch their first reality-type
movie--Real World: Britney's Panties revolves around
a disgruntled cast member who steals all the cameras and
trains them on Britney Spears' lingerie drawer 24/7.
After he was found in a subway station bathroom stall, Mr.
Osbourne admitted he was pissed off that the movie wasn't
going to be centered around his underwear drawer, but then
he had a moment of clarity when he remembered he doesn't
wear any. Hanes promptly dropped him as a spokesmodel.
|
"I
just wanted to say, fuck, Hanes! I'm a TV star now.
Boo-yah!"
|
|
|
|
SOME OFFICE BUILDING - C-SPAN has decided to jump on the docu-reality-staged-drama
bandwagon themselves, and will soon be rolling out their first
series, Crapping With the President.
They hope the show, centered around the First Family's bathrooms,
will attract the majority of television viewers, who of course
have a taste for nothing but crap.
|
"We're
just like any average American Dream family when it
comes to crap, we embody it."
|
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. - Speaking of political-poo, Republican leaders
thought it was a joke when Richard M. Nixon walked in, plopped
down $1,400 and said he wanted to run for state agriculture
commissioner. But no joke here, as the real-life 41-year-old
Richard Milton Nixon promised that if he is elected as the agriculture
commish, there will be no "Deep Throat" in the picture, only
"Deep Dung."
HOLLYWOOD - Will the real President Chris please stand-up? Chris
Rock is getting set for his directing debut in a movie in which
he'll also star about the first African-American president.
The catch? Chris Tucker is planning to do the same on his own
project. No word on which candidate will win the race to reach
the multi-plexes first, but both candidates can rest assured:
Jesse Jackson will not beat them to the punch.
|
"I
am going to run on the Wish Platform, and wish that
I was White."
|
LAS
VEGAS - Another Rock in the news, Kid Rock, is getting married
to Pamela Anderson, which just begs the question: Will we be
subjected to another home video episode of the Love Boat,
with Kid not "measuring up" to Tommy Lee standards and instead
searching the musty "waters" for a mysterious strain of hepatitis
C? Yuck. So you'd still do her?
|
"So
we're skanky. Get over it."
|
MOUNT ANGEL, Ore. - They say happy cows are more productive
cows, so Arie Jongeneel is hoping his herd of Holsteins, resplendent
on their water beds, will bring forth a dairy deluge akin to
Yasser Arafat's clientele when he opens up a day care center
in hell.
Jongeneel, who is experimenting with 15 specially made waterbeds
for his herd, has been a dairy farmer for 32 years and is joining
farmers in Europe and elsewhere who claim that such bovine pampering
pays off.
Also getting paid off to assist in the operation, and heading
for a milking (for once) herself, Anna Nicole Smith promises
to love her fellow cows no matter how much milk they make.
|
"Water
beds, Anna Nicole Smith...Must I ever be slaughtered?"
|
|
Make
sure you don't bail without first visiting the infamous
Horny
Men's Club
And get on our
Mailing
list
To find out when the new stuff rips
|
|
|
|
|
"Lest
you forget: It's all about me."
|
|
HEAVEN - After actress Halle Berry suffered through a half-hour
procedure to remove debris that lodged in her eye from a
special effects mishap on the set of the new Bond movie,
she finally got it right--she thanked the one person she
forgot to at the Academy Awards: God!
When reached for a comment, God said: "Halle is OK for now.
Sure, there was some friction between the two of us after
the Oscars, but I believe she now recognizes her mistake
and understands who she should really be "servicing"
for the parts she receives. Remember: God giveth, and I
can just as easily take it away, sistah."
|
"I sure hope he let's me do the sequel."
"Ever thought about waiving
that anti-nudity clause in your contract?"
|
LOS ANGELES - Wetting their pants over the May. 16th premiere
of the next installment of Star Wars, fanatics are
once again doing the "line thing", making them synonymous
with actor Robert Downey Jr.
|
"Oh,
man...What can I say? I saw the line outside the theater,
and then the bindle in my pocket...My nose just couldn't
help itself."
|
JERUSALEM - An El Al airline pilot abandoned his planeload
of New York-bound passengers Monday, refusing to fly because
his friend could not be found a first-class seat. His friend
(pictured below) said he had no clue why he wasn't accommodated.
|
"If
I can't make it to New York, I can't make it anywhere."
|
BROOKSVILLE, Fla. - A murder suspect who hung herself in a
Florida jail left a suicide note asking her lawyer to sue
the jail for failing to prevent her from killing herself.
A spokesman for the company that operates the jail, said:
''If somebody is so determined to commit suicide then it's
hard to stop them.'' We can only hope Yasser Arafat is paying
close attention.
When asked what he wanted to accomplish in his meeting with
Arafat over the weekend, Colin Powell did a little boogie
step and replied, "I just want to push it (Arafat), push it
real good."
NEW
YORK - Also subscribing to the "Push it Real Good" doctrine,
former mayor Rudolph Giuliani.
|
"Here,
let me help you. That first step is a doozy, Hil,
but after that, trust me, you won't feel a thing."
|
|
|
|
