his recent "fact-finding" mission to Iraq, super sleuth
Sean Penn did such a marvelous job of getting the whole truth
(and nothing but the truth) that we were compelled to hire him
to sniff around the Sweet 16. Here's
hoping he can do for us, what he did for Iraq. Um, nothing. Regardless...
Comedy Ave. PRESENTS:
16 Sweet Facts From the MAD
Mind of Sean Penn
"I'm Sean Penn."
no crap from anyone. I'm an actor. (Ok, that's two facts, so friggin'
what. They're my facts and I'll do with them what I damn well please.
Clear?) Play ball!
broken-nose Butler dude definitely gets the Sean Penn Tough Guy Award
-- I'd take Cinderfellah out for brews and Journalist-tipping anytime.
has some bitchin' cheerleaders.
me an 'S'...)
also fry more inmates than all the rest of the states combined. Maybe
some of you have seen my movie Dead Man Walking? If not, why
not rent it (now!). Contrary to popular belief, it's not the Jim Harrick
Dan Rather CANNOT ball. Neither can the Iraqis. I should know. I
was there. On a fact-finding mission. Those are the kinds of gems
I brought back. Oh yeah, they're no good at football either, the
Iraqis. And Dan Rather needs to get laid.
Williams stare-down is so ass-kicking powerful, maybe just send
him to Iraq to enforce a ceasefire?
Well, after Monday night.
completely resent that statement.
But remember: When important news breaks out, WE'LL BREAK IN."
Dan, it's almost over for you.
Live a little. Let your hair down.
Eat some pot brownies.
again, Coach K proves that it's not how many McDonald's
All-Americans you have on your squad, but how many thousands of Dukie
voodoo dolls made in your image -- which, unfortunately for Coach K.,
looks a lot like roadkill. The song playing on the vehicle that strikes
him: Muskrat Love. Is it just me, or do a bunch of these ex-Dukies
look like rats? Jay Bilas, Bobby Hurley, Johnny Dawkins, the pudgy Polish
kid, I could go on but I'll let the Coach get the last words:
"Yeah, whatever. Like I can't
get the ladies."
wait. I could probably make the All-Duke Rat Team myself. Damn, I'm
pretty. Here's hoping there's enough Big Macs for all of us, girls.
(You really thought Sean Penn would let someone else get the last word?
live in Santa Monica. We don't have a team. OK, here's a third fact:
If you happen to find my place from a Map of the Hollywood Stars, be
prepared to get your ass kicked -- along with your fat wife and camera-toting
kid. P.S. I won't need 5 fouls. Do the words "Ron Artest"
mean anything to you? Uh huh, that's right. I put the 'B' in Bitchslap.
Rose called. He wants a complete do-over on his bracket.
is not one Iraqi player on any of the Sweet 16 teams. Or all of college
basketball, for that matter. Travesty.
it just me, or did Cinderella get lost on the way to the Ball?
to be you, Cinderella.
also would suck to be Ben Howland as he tries to explain to his players
why he is jumping ship for Cal-i-for-nia. Ben, you look pretty tough.
We could maybe party. Catch me at Woody Harrelson's O-Bar on Friday's.
Friday is all You Can Drink Elixir and Green Tea Oxygen Night for VIPs.
I am a VVIP.
dug me ever since I was in Fast Times, man. I don't even know
often wonder if LeBron James is Jesus undercover? Shit. That's a great
title for a movie: Jesus Undercover. I'll change the character
of LeBron to a white dude and play the lead, maybe get Jack to direct
it or something. If I can pull his fat ass off his court-side Laker
freaky looking white-haired dude sitting next to him should be me.
me if I'm dreaming/tripping: Kansas goes to the Final Four riding on
the shoulders of two (gasp) WHITE GUYS?
I just had my first rectal exam last week. Hurt. I think Tom Cruise
has got to be silly -- as is Kareem Abdul Jabbar's camera presence.
Where's Airplane when you need it?
that noise in my face. If I played ball, there would be a sh*tload of
cameramen and reporters on the IR. Tell Walton his kneecaps would be
the first to go.
to think of it, best to take his mouth out first. Did you ever see that
combat flick I did? Casualties of War. Rent it. I kick ass. Not
that Sean Penn the Man believes in making war.
if it's for large profits.
so, talk to my agent.
didn't tell me she was 16." This is the first line from my new
autobiographical script: Guilty Man Running.
Hotel Polanski, here I come!
think Sean is a well-adjusted man who cares deeply about the direction
the world is going in.
Just because he's an actor, it doesn't mean he's not real and
can't care. He is very real, I can assure you that. I'm his wife:
Robin PENN Wright. I should know."
- Robin Penn Wright, Esqueer Magazine, May 03'
baby, your basketball facts
were brilliant...Are we gonna do it now?"
Night Sports Viewing:
(in order of preference)
Griz vs. Lakers
2. Dodgers vs. Diamondbacks
3. Yanks vs. BJs
4. Girl Gone Wild vs. Man with Poodle
5. USA vs. Iraq
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