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On his recent "fact-finding" mission to Iraq, super sleuth Sean Penn did such a marvelous job of getting the whole truth (and nothing but the truth) that we were compelled to hire him to sniff around the Sweet 16. Here's hoping he can do for us, what he did for Iraq. Um, nothing. Regardless...

Comedy Ave. PRESENTS:

16 Sweet Facts From the MAD Mind of Sean Penn


"I'm Sean Penn."

FACT 1

I take no crap from anyone. I'm an actor. (Ok, that's two facts, so friggin' what. They're my facts and I'll do with them what I damn well please. Clear?) Play ball!

FACT 2

That broken-nose Butler dude definitely gets the Sean Penn Tough Guy Award -- I'd take Cinderfellah out for brews and Journalist-tipping anytime.

FACT 3

Dude! Texas has some bitchin' cheerleaders. (Give me an 'S'...)

FACT 4

They also fry more inmates than all the rest of the states combined. Maybe some of you have seen my movie Dead Man Walking? If not, why not rent it (now!). Contrary to popular belief, it's not the Jim Harrick Story.

FACT 5

FYI! Dan Rather CANNOT ball. Neither can the Iraqis. I should know. I was there. On a fact-finding mission. Those are the kinds of gems I brought back. Oh yeah, they're no good at football either, the Iraqis. And Dan Rather needs to get laid.

FACT 6

Roy Williams stare-down is so ass-kicking powerful, maybe just send him to Iraq to enforce a ceasefire? Well, after Monday night.

"I completely resent that statement.
But remember: When important news breaks out, WE'LL BREAK IN."


editorial comment:
Dan, it's almost over for you.
Live a little. Let your hair down.
Eat some pot brownies.

FACT 7

Once again, Coach K proves that it's not how many McDonald's All-Americans you have on your squad, but how many thousands of Dukie voodoo dolls made in your image -- which, unfortunately for Coach K., looks a lot like roadkill. The song playing on the vehicle that strikes him: Muskrat Love. Is it just me, or do a bunch of these ex-Dukies look like rats? Jay Bilas, Bobby Hurley, Johnny Dawkins, the pudgy Polish kid, I could go on but I'll let the Coach get the last words:

"Yeah, whatever. Like I can't get the ladies."


Hey wait. I could probably make the All-Duke Rat Team myself. Damn, I'm pretty. Here's hoping there's enough Big Macs for all of us, girls. (You really thought Sean Penn would let someone else get the last word? Sucka.)

FACT 8

I live in Santa Monica. We don't have a team. OK, here's a third fact: If you happen to find my place from a Map of the Hollywood Stars, be prepared to get your ass kicked -- along with your fat wife and camera-toting kid. P.S. I won't need 5 fouls. Do the words "Ron Artest" mean anything to you? Uh huh, that's right. I put the 'B' in Bitchslap.

FACT 9

Pete Rose called. He wants a complete do-over on his bracket.

FACT 10

There is not one Iraqi player on any of the Sweet 16 teams. Or all of college basketball, for that matter. Travesty.

FACT 11

Is it just me, or did Cinderella get lost on the way to the Ball? Sucks to be you, Cinderella. It also would suck to be Ben Howland as he tries to explain to his players why he is jumping ship for Cal-i-for-nia. Ben, you look pretty tough. We could maybe party. Catch me at Woody Harrelson's O-Bar on Friday's. Friday is all You Can Drink Elixir and Green Tea Oxygen Night for VIPs. I am a VVIP. Woody dug me ever since I was in Fast Times, man. I don't even know why, dude.

FACT 12

I often wonder if LeBron James is Jesus undercover? Shit. That's a great title for a movie: Jesus Undercover. I'll change the character of LeBron to a white dude and play the lead, maybe get Jack to direct it or something. If I can pull his fat ass off his court-side Laker seat. That freaky looking white-haired dude sitting next to him should be me.

FACT 13

Wake me if I'm dreaming/tripping: Kansas goes to the Final Four riding on the shoulders of two (gasp) WHITE GUYS?

FACT 14

I just had my first rectal exam last week. Hurt. I think Tom Cruise has got to be silly -- as is Kareem Abdul Jabbar's camera presence. Where's Airplane when you need it?

F
ACT 15

F*ck that noise in my face. If I played ball, there would be a sh*tload of cameramen and reporters on the IR. Tell Walton his kneecaps would be the first to go. Come to think of it, best to take his mouth out first. Did you ever see that combat flick I did? Casualties of War. Rent it. I kick ass. Not that Sean Penn the Man believes in making war. Only if it's for large profits. If so, talk to my agent.

FACT 16

"She didn't tell me she was 16." This is the first line from my new autobiographical script: Guilty Man Running. Hotel Polanski, here I come!

"I think Sean is a well-adjusted man who cares deeply about the direction the world is going in.
Just because he's an actor, it doesn't mean he's not real and can't care. He is very real, I can assure you that. I'm his wife: Robin PENN Wright. I should know."

- Robin Penn Wright, Esqueer Magazine, May 03'

.

"Yes, baby, your basketball facts
were brilliant...Are we gonna do it now?"
Sean Penn's
Monday Night Sports Viewing:
(in order of preference)

1. Griz vs. Lakers
2. Dodgers vs. Diamondbacks
3. Yanks vs. BJs
4. Girl Gone Wild vs. Man with Poodle
5. USA vs. Iraq








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