CITY - In a desperate effort to help save face--and the
Catholic Church-- a famous priest has come out of the wood
work to admit he committed an act of molestation in 1984.
Father Guido Sarducci said he confessed because he wanted
to set an example for priests worldwide, and thinks that
they need to come out and confess all their sins,
before accusers begin coming out of the woodwork like "phalluses
popping out of frocks."
Michaels has nothing to do with this. I am not coming-out
to speak about the lack of comedy on the show these
days, but because I think I could have scarred someone
When reached for comment, Actress Drew Barrymore said she
didn't remember being "touched in those places" by Sarducci
while at a SNL party. She went on to say that the only memories
she has of her 9-year-old days was of some big movie she
did, a lot of drug and alcohol use, and rampant sex with
the original Greenwich Village cast of Nunsense.
The nuns even dedicated a song to her, "No Need to
Phone Home, Cause We'll Just Give You a Ride."
- Yasser Arafat claims that the bombing of his compound has
not come without its benefits. Pictured below, Arafat demonstrates
the new break dancing skills he required by dodging Israeli
shelling, and his wife's big fat ass.
yet, maybe someone will find Yasser's bones?
felt like Michael Jackson exploding across floor right after
his daily isotonic enema. Next, I gotta find me some Elephant
a Picture Could Speak a
important to be smart when our country could be nucleated
at any moment."
- President George W. Bush announced a new initiative to
improve early childhood education for millions of America's
children this week. Speaking in Delaware he said, "If one
of those old presidents had done the same thing when I was
a kid, I may just not be here today." To which we can only
reply: "Huh? and darn."
How is it that politics always attracts our most intelligent men?
My name is Gerald Ford and I was your...Well, I'm not sure
what number president I was. School is fun though, kids!"
ANGELES - Opposing the president's new program were Los Angeles
school bus drivers who went on strike this week, stranding
thousands of children throughout the city--which is always
good for the city's under-appreciated art of graffiti.
The drivers decided that children in Los Angeles should not
be allowed to go to school until the drivers themselves received
honorary diplomas...god forbid they should have to spend all
their money on toilet paper.
They claim the majority of them would've graduated from high
school if the Los Angeles Unified School District had just
recognized their first language of love: Ebonics.
As it was, the mainly illiterate drivers were forced to use
English as a first language, and say words like "ask" instead
of "aks," and "excuse me" instead of "scuse me," and call
their partners-in-crime "African Americans" instead of "n*ggers."
(That wasn't just a white person saying that word; it was
a white person quoting a black person. Kosher?)
CHICAGO - In an related educational story, Oprah Winfrey declined
President Bush's offer to join an official U.S. delegation
to tour Afghanistan's schools and celebrate young Afghani
girls' return to school. She did say that she would play her
part by choosing Barely Legal Afghani Girls: The Pictorial
as her last book club pick. Look for Halle Berry to take on
a starring role in the screen version. When reached for comment,
Halle was limited to two words: "Thank you!"
kids, I'm still at CBS. Koppel's on that 'other' network,
and Oprah...well, she still owns us all. Would you like
fries with that Big Mac & Coke, Ma'am?"
CHICAGO - Playgirl magazine announced that it wants current
or former male employees of ruined energy trader Enron Corp.
to pose nude for an upcoming "Men of Enron" pictorial. The call
for male "models" comes one week after Playboy asked
female workers to pose in the buff for a spread dubbed the "Women
of Enron." You know, anything to give Hef more energy and increase
his blonde quota. (How about one brunette in the mag, Hef, just
"It's totally about wanting to give the men of Enron an equal
chance," Playgirl Editor-in-Chief Michele Zipp said in an interview.
Now come on, Michele, you think we're going to buy that? And
more importantly, are the men of S.F. and West Hollywood going
Just because we care, here's some advice for the cover, Michele:
Kenneth Lay: pass. Dick Cheney: definite-maybe.
Australia - Russell Crowe has been accused by an Australian
rugby coach of trying to lure several players to South Sydney,
a team the actor avidly supports. The coach of the Sharks team
said the star, who has no formal links with South Sydney, is
breaking the rugby league's anti-tampering laws by trying to
lure Preston Campbell, the National Rugby League player of the
year, from the Sharks to South Sydney.
In a related story, American Poet Laurette, Maya Angelou was
returned home safely after the F.B.I. thwarted a Crowe kidnapping
plot. Crowe apparently wanted Angelou around just in case he
ever got the opportunity to recite poetry at any future awards'
fo, fum / I smelled the poetry of an African American
MC DONALD LAND - In still other related news: McDonald's is
joining Burger King, Wendy's and other fast-food chains in importing
beef from Australia because there's a shortage of U.S. beef
that's lean enough or cheap enough. When reached for comment,
the beefcake Crowe squawked that he doesn't come cheap, nor
in with the love for Russell & Ruffles,
out with the anger…"
- The elegant Chelsea Clinton has been taking England
by storm as of late, schmoozing with the likes of
Madonna and Gwyneth. But shouldn't the former first-daughter
be dating something a little more regal than, say,
father like daughter. I dig cigars, she digs cigars.
Dude, where's my car?"
people are about as deep as a birdbath"
ANGELES - Veteran rocker David Crosby isn't impressed with
what he calls the "shiny and new'' in the music world.
Crosby said, "There's some good people out there, but there's
a lot of fluff, too. Things like 'N Sync and Britney." Crosby
also said there seems to be a prejudice against old-timers
by the media and that they want to sell the newest product.
Truth is, Crosby was a majorly P.O,'d after the "specimen"
he was donating to a high-profile, unnamed Hollywood lesbian
(Ellen) was recently rejected in favor of <drumroll>
Justin Timberlake's. The SPRY YOUNG Timberlake's count reached
30 million per milliliter, well above the 20 million average,
while the DECREPID OLD Crosby's fell well below 12 million
per milliliter. When informed of the discrepancy, Crosby said
he'd like the Britney pictorial back, a few minutes alone,
and then a full recount.
Want to Know!
What's next for Britney and Justin, now that their breakup
is all but official? Tell us, what pop's highest-profile singles
should do with themselves:
A) Get over it
B) Tie a brick to their ankles & jump
C) More lip-synching
D) Therapy: Start their own book clubs
E) If you f*cking care, you need a life!
VEGAS - John Wayne Bobbitt, the hit actor from the film
Frankenpenis, who also made national headlines after
his then-wife Lorena Bobbitt was charged with cutting off
his penis in 1993, remarried on his 35th birthday. Luckily,
Bobbitt finally got smart--he married a paraplegic armless
"Love is all there is. And there can be no love within
a couple, if one cuts the other's genitals off."
you think you have pet peeves?"
LAFAYETTE, Calif. - Barnabas R. Miller, a registered Republican,
has been called for jury duty in Contra Costa County this
month. There are only two problems - Barnabas is only 9 years
old, and he's a poodle.
His owner, Donald Miller, wanted to point out holes in the
voter registration system by sending in the form for Barnabas
through the mail. "If I can register my dog, then anybody
can register." Palm Beach County, c'mon down!
Barnabas isn't fazed by the summons. When reached for comment,
he said, "Woof, woof, bark and woof," which translates
into: "I will do what any other intelligent being would
do in this case: Get out of jury duty and leave the courtroom
pews to the brilliant O.J. jurists."
Germany - A Munich man who was suspected of murder, after
he was seen carrying what a neighbor thought was a dead body
into his flat, was cleared after he showed police his collection
of rubber sex dolls.
Upon discovery, the officers immediately confiscated the dolls
and have not been seen at work since. Sucks to be all tied-up
and have nowhere to go. Can you say "Der wixers?"
- The French are lapping up a Sept. 11 conspiracy
theory that argues the plane that smashed into the
Pentagon never existed and that the world has been
duped by a murky U.S. government plot. According
to booksellers, Thierry Meyssan's book, The Frightening
Fraud, is flying off shelves.
Not flying off the shelves is a recently written
American book, The Frightening French, which
details how the French are uppity-assh*les who walk
around like they have Eiffel Towers up their holes.
got your stinking French Fries!"
BYRON, N.Y. - 39-year-old Michael Kocur admitted in court
he was drunk when he was stopped by police on an upstate
New York road last July. Strangely enough, it was Kocur's
fifth DWI conviction...on his lawnmower! Let this be a lesson
to Mr. I-Want-To-Play-On-The-White House-Tractor.
know how fast the tractor tops out at, but what
about you, Cochise?"