History
Lesson
(there will be a test on this next week)
In
sixteenth-century France, the start of the new year was
observed on April 1st. Then in 1562, Pope Gregory (no stats
on how many of his priests were fondling little boys back
then) introduced a new calendar for the Christian world,
and the new year fell on January 1st.
There were some people, however, who hadn't heard or didn't
believe the change in the date, so they continued to celebrate
New Year's Day on April 1st. We'll call them: "April fools."
Others played tricks on them ("hey, pull my finger") and
sent them on a "fool's errand" or tried to make them believe
that something false was true. ("No, that was
a barking spider.") |
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"Never
made the baseball team, but heck I was a mean yell leader."
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Who
else would we have throwing out the first pitch this week
but our very own favorite president. (Good thing he has no
competition on that front.)
Evidence: Mr. Dubya was once quoted as saying, "We can not
let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile
or hold our allies hostile." For ten points: What is wrong
with this sentence?
Answer: Anyone who uses a verb where a noun should be,TWICE!
(hello sixth grade education), and gets elected president
has got to be doing something right--Appealing to all the
fools who voted for him.
Hey there, Georgie Boy, stand proud, you got where you are
today on sheer talent alone. "Hey, run on down to the corner
market (hint: it's on the corner) and fetch me some knowledge,
will ya, pal? I think you may find it on aisle 7." |
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"Ok,
I've got it: I strap bomb to 16-year-old girl, you take
tanks and make me your bitch. That should solve things."
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Criminals:
These war-mongering fools never learn (let alone prosper),
thinking that more violence will one day beget peace, whence
they will join together in a rousing rendition of "Cumbaya."
Let's face it, "Revolution" is more like it. But you've got
to give the Israelis points for nobility: Making sure Yasser
Arafat is being fed properly while they resume attacks on
his compound in an attempt to rid the world of his excellent
bureaucratic skills, has Mother Teresa applauding in her grave.
Hey guys, you set a fine example for peace-loving nations
everywhere. Break out the Twister board and let's have a par-ty. |
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"I
am the king of mouth farts."
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| Scoop:
Like a phoenix arising from the ashes, the most obnoxious
human being on the face of the earth, Carrot Top, was reborn
in those grating AT&T commercials. I think the fool designation
should really go to the advertising executive who came up
with the brilliant casting idea. Hey Carrot Top, Milton Berle
sent his regards to you on his death bed. |
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"This
one's for all the pimps--I mean--men who believed in me."
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"Thank
you" Ms. Berry for giving comedians several weeks worth
(at least) of material with your asinine acceptance speech
at the Academy Awards. Halle just got signed to be the next
poster child for DHS (Dysfunctional Hollywood Stars), an
organization that prides itself on making every screwed-up
kid want to come to Hollywood and pursue worldwide adoration
and fame. Of course 99% of them end up soaking up the rays
on a Sunset boulevard street corner (whore) or moving into
a half-way house near you.
Fact:
Hey Halle, one more pat on the shoulder--Men in Hollywood
only want you for your amazing acting talent.
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New
Nike Commercial: "Be out like Rosie. "
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| Ms.
Rosie O'Donnell is a major fool for coming out of the closet
with her mouth a-blazing, assuring the Queen of Carpet Munch
that the only thing left in her career will be sharing a bill
with Paula Poundstone in a Haight Ashbury coffee shop. |
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"My
name is James W. Zigler, former head of the INS, and
I would like to apply for the position of pizza delivery
boy."
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Let's give it up to the Immigration peeps, shall we? Recently
the fools notified Huffman Aviation in Florida that the student
visa applications of two of their pupils (and let's not forget:
dead terrorists) Mohamed Atta and Marwan Al-Shehhi, had been
approved.
Question: What's next? Rolling out the welcome mat for Genghis
Khan? Hey INS, your job security is nothing to worry about!
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"Do
these virgins go for small penises?"
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The
Al Qaida fools who actually thought that their small band of
grubby camel jockeys could take on the world and win now find
themselves buried under hundreds of tons of rubble.
Question: Hey AQ, find any of those virgins down there? How
about going to fetch me some coal from the Man?
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"I
am just very misunderstood."
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Darryl Strawberry's foolish head must have been "cracked"
with one too many fastballs, otherwise maybe the fool would
get the simple concept called "violating probation" correct.
Hey Darryl, you just won another trip to jail, where ya going
after that? To pick up your honorary college degree from Harvard?
Or back to Yankee Stadium to hook George up with some "goods."
Meditation
Break
"And in with the love & ruffles, out with
the anger…"
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"Can
you feel the love in the air?"
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Madam
Cleo, the faux Jamaican soothsayer, is a fool for
thinking that her act would play well into the 21st
Century. Now the shyster faces prosecution from several
states, all who want her crystal ball retired where
the sun doesn't shine. But the real fools are all
the lost sheep who showered the atrocious actress
with $400,000,000 (count the zeroes people) over the
last few years. To all you in need of getting sheered
when the Madam is in prison, please sign up for pen-pal
and we here at the Avenue promise to give you advice
on your sad existence which you call a life.
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"I
knew the end of the world was coming when prayer was
no longer mandatory in school. That and when my mom
didn't get an abortion."
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Reverend
Falwell, the televangelist fool, had the audacity to come
out and say that 9-11 was really a punishment from god for
our tolerance of people or positions he disagrees with, such
as abortionists, feminists or homosexuals.
Fact:The real fools are the suckers who flock to the Rev like
lepers to a messiah. Hey fellah Falwell, Satan called, wanted
to assure you that your flabby eternal flesh will not burn
in hell. Does the line "I'm melting!" mean anything to you? |
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"You
think Billy's willy smacked you around, bitch?"
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We are not sure if the loser fools from Celebrity Boxing
did it for the glory (i.e. in hopes that their one-note claim to
fame would be re-ignited) or the good old fashioned reason: Money
to pay for their upcoming rehab tour or nose job.
Either way, you have seen the dredges of humanity in action and
it is called the Fox Network. Hey Fox Execs, how about a new show,
"Osama's Wives," in which 100 American women vie for a chance to
be one of 25 lucky indentured whores. The scary part is--for their
fifteen minutes of fame--the network would be besieged with contestant
applications. So who be the real fools?
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"Props
to Ron and Brian, and up the academy for dissing me."
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The
Poetry Man: This grumpy thespian was actually foolish enough
to think someone, anyone, at the British Academy Awards
& the Aussie Awards would want to hear him recite a poem.
He followed that stupidity up by being seriously embarrassed
and outclassed at the Academy Awards when Denzel Washington
took the prize out from under his overbearing, condescending
scowl.
How to speak Australian: Asshole.
Hey Russ, I hear there's talk of you getting a Pulitzer.
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"And, in with the acceptance of all living things,
including Russ Crowe…out with the hatred."
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"Hey
kids, my idea of meditating is roasting CBS over the
flame in my Birkenstocks."
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Here's to the fools at the Columbia Broadcasting Network for
being held ransom by Letterman & Co., actually believing his
tired act can ever overcome Leno.
Ring, Ring: Hey CBS, Ted Koppel on line three, says he wants
to replace Paul Shaffer as your resident ass-kisser.
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"Would
kids be twistin' anywhere if it weren't for me? I
dare you to name one more of my songs."
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El foolio, Chubby Checker, said he would turn down the Rock
n' Roll Hall of Fame, IF they voted him in, unless they erected
a statue of his Royal Anus in front of the museum. Of course,
there are no statues of anyone else there, including Menudo!
(Shocking, yes.)
Tip: Hey Checkers, we hear that West Hollywood wants to erect
a statue of your "chubby" outside Club Rage. Maybe
you can twist on down there, practice safe sex, and pick up
some sympathy along the way?
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"Can
you believe I actually used to be legit?"
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Anyone
getting tired of seeing the foolish pitchmeister-whore Terry
Bradshaw pedal everything on the face of this earth including
his latest, get this: Supercuts!
That reminds us, hey Bradshaw, Did you catch the latest Darryl
Strawberry spot...for D.A.R.E? |
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And
last but not least, to the fools at the Treason
Department who have nothing better to do than monitor
our innocent site, we, and Mr. McDonald, send you
a message of love and kindness…
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"I
got your Big Mac right here, boys!"
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Disclaimer:
Please Read in Entirety
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Ok,
so this week was not our best week, we admit. Do to our
foolish pleasures of watching MTV Spring Break specials
all week, 24/7, we were a little consumed with more important
things: Wanton sex, teens shaking that ass, STD's.
So if our hung-over (tequila!) slams weren't good for you,
and you were unable to light up a smoke afterwards and say:
"Gee, that was really funny today, I really feel like I
got my money's worth," we recommend you head to the archives
(HORNY GUYS HEAD TO HMC) and relive our past glory, because
yeah, this was not our "one shining moment."
Meanwhile, we'll make sure to rest up, get wanton sex and
jailbait girls off of our minds, and get back to the serious
business of classless comedy next week.
Peace Out, Kids. God, we put the 'H' in hip. And hapless,
of course. |
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