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"I
do have an I.Q. Can't remember what it is though."
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On
his way to South America the president made a stop-over in
Mexico where he unveiled his latest discovery: "I have thought
long and hard about why we have poverty. And because poverty
breeds terrorism, I think it is extra important to realize,
that the one thing that breeds poverty, is stupidity.
"Poor people are just very stupid, and therefore more
likely to commit evil, gross, barbaric acts of terrorism."
Bush went on to say that some rich people can be idiots, too,
but unlikely to cause unjust bodily harm if one of their parents
held any office or went to an Ivy League school. Unless of
course they have their finger on the trigger of the world's
most powerful arsenal. |
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"What
my fans do in the privacy of their own home is none
of my business. As long as they buy tickets, props
to them."
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Pope John Paul II has finally broken his silence about the
recent spate of molestation charges against priests worldwide.
The Pope said that the priests have succumbed to the most
grievous forms of "the mystery of evil," and that the scandals
have cast a "dark shadow of evil over the church." After making
his statement, Mr. Paul went on to say he couldn't understand
where all this sickness stems from, before retiring to his
quarters to watch a Haley Joel Osment movie marathon.
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"So
long, gotta go, Haley's on in five. I just love that
boy. Props right back to you, Kiddo."
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In a related story, authorities in Denver accidentally placed
a 16-year-old girl in a cell with a 34-year-old sex offender.
The man was hidden under his bunk at the time, sleeping with
a blanket draped over it to block out the light. The 16-year-old
later claimed she was fondled over her clothing and on her
buttocks. But Gerald DeWayne Lewis' attorney denies the charges.
His defense: Lewis doesn't favor girls. Why? He's a priest,
hot under the collar for boys.
Call it "violence." In the Middle East, more dogs
than ever have been prescribed valium for their increasing
panic attacks. A local vet was quoted as saying, "Only today
I treated a dog who has stopped eating and refuses to leave
his compound." Meanwhile, Yasser Arafat could not be reached
for comment.
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"Dancing
and Valium sure beats trying to get past those Israeli
tanks out there. Eh, Buster?"
|
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"F*ck
you very much, England."
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A
group of children in Belper, England attacked a giant Mr.
Potato Head that was given to them by their sister city
of Pawtucket, Rhode Island (home of the Mr. Potato Head
factory). In retaliation, the children of Pawtucket smashed
all their Spice Girl albums and vowed never to grow up to
be queens.
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"We
the people of Andersen would like to say one thing:
Help!"
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Andersen lawyers pleaded innocent this week to interference
charges in regards to the Enron scandal and say they would like
a speedy trial in order to save their business. All a judge
could say was: LOL, then assured them that the trial would not
be paper-shredder quick, but rather, more like a snail's trail
of slime, claiming many in its wake. See Dick and George get
slimed? To be continued. After we bomb the sh*t out of Iraq
of course.
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The
Hills Are Alive,
with the Sound of Bada-Bing
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After
recently saying that "my family is very important to me. I am
very Italian in that way," actor James Gandolfini of the Sopranos
has filed for divorce from his wife of three years. Gandolfini
says duty for his other family--America--now comes first. Currently,
Tony and the boys are combing the Afghani Hills for the sound
of Al Qaida.
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"Yo,
Towel Heads...Do, re, mi, kiss your goats g'bye. You
are the friggin' weakest links."
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Now that Nightline is staying put, ABC has hired two
new, "hip" correspondents to join Ted Koppel in an
attempt to draw younger viewers to the serious news program.
Carson Daly will do frequent meanderings from any beach where
teen girls are shaking their asses and falling out of their
bikinis, and Elian Gonzales will be on hand to cover toilet
paper shortage from Cuba.
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In honor of Passover, Jewish people everywhere have decided
to add a new delicacy to their menus: The Guilta-fish.
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"I
am now high on life. And if you believe that, have
I got some cut cocaine to sell you."
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After
handing over his prize urine sample to the court, Robert Downey
Jr. got high marks from the judge presiding, who said he was
pleased with Downey Jr.'s progress with his drug rehabilitation.
Which means one thing: Those 24-hour detoxification programs
really do work. |
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Tommy
Lee, You May Be Hung Now...
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A Ugandan woman who bit off her drunk husband's penis and scrotum--because
she said he wasn't providing for her and their two children--is
being flown out to Hollywood where she will now be able to provide
for herself. How? The fang-bearer is set to bite-er-ah-fight Tommy
Lee in Fox's next installment of Celebrity Boxing.
Hey,
Tommy, can you say: "Ouch! No more home videos for you."
|
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Security
was so tight at the Academy Awards that comedian Jon Stewart
underwent a full cavity search, which left him smelling
a little less like roses and more like the material he whipped
out at the Grammy's: utter crap.
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"Hey,
pal, if you're going up there with a glove, I hope
you'll at least come to Passover and meet my parents.
L'Chaim."
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Oscar finally called a black actresses name...and Keanu
Reeves! The brilliant method actor received an Honorary
Lifetime Achievement Award for being a total f*cking brainless
twit.
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"I'd
like to thank the Academy for naming me, um, what
did they call me again?"
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Unfortunately, the f*cking brainless twit got lost on the
way to the ceremony and was not able to collect his award.
He did score a sixer of Jolt cola from a 7-11 in the area
he was lost in. An unidentified 7-11 employee gave us his
own take on the awards...
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"If
it's not a Steven Segal movie, what do I care about
stinking awards? I can tell you that the dark blabbering
woman made people forget the name 'Sally Field.'"
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Barbie is getting set to star in her second animated feature
film "Rapunzel" without her long time love, Ken. The man
who has been behind the bitch for so many years is said
to be devastated and heartbroken. So much so, that his William
Morris agent reports that the doll is considering switching
ships to star in Showtime's Queer as Folk.
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"These
guys are just the kind of support group I need.
F*ck Barb. I'm queer now, get used to it girlfriend."
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A
group
is trying to rid school yards from the game of dodge ball,
claming that it is too competitively violent. The group
would like to replace the age-old game with one less intense:
duck-duck goose.
Many are against the move, claming that kids need to learn
what it's like in the real world, and that dodge ball shows
them that real life can be rough. Among the advocates is
Second Lady, Lynne Cheney, who lists dodge ball as one of
her all-time favorite games. If dodge ball does have to
be replaced, Cheney says that it should be replaced not
by a "wimpy game," but a more gritty, appropriate extra-curricula
activity. Say like, nuclear fusion? Can you say KABOOM? |
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