|
Will
the Real Curious George Please Make a Funny Face
|
Brown
University officials announced that an experimental brain
implant the size of a M & M has allowed a monkey to control
a computer cursor by thought alone. In part two of the experiment,
President Bush will also be implanted with a censor in an
attempt to find out who the real monkey is.
When informed he would be asked to participate, Bush said
he would do so only if he could be called "Cheetah" throughout
the experiment. |
|
"Don't
Ask, Don't Tell" Policy To Be Severly Tested
|
The number of people expelled from the military for homosexuality
rose last year to the highest total since 1998, debunking
the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy. In an attempt to
cover their asses, the military plans to enlist one
"Richard Simmons" to prove that there is no discrimination
going on.
|
"Army,
navy, marines...Men! It's all good!"
|
Rosie O'Donnell has "come out" with guns a-blazin'.
The O'Don is miffed over discrimination against gay people
who adopt children. She says that her own experience as a
gay parent proves that the state of Florida and President
Bush are "wrong" in their opposition to gay adoption. She
went on to say that, "I don't think America knows what a gay
parent looks like." To which we reply: Um, yes we do. We even
have pictures...
|
"Ok,
Harold, it's time you put down that basketball right
now! It's macrame time for you, pal."
|
Maybe those folks up in arms over gay adoption should turn
their energies to where they're more needed: Raving lunatic
adoptions.
Meet model parents Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thorton.
After adopting a Cambodian baby, the dynamic dysfunctional
duo were forbidden from transporting Baby Maddox back to the
United States. Oh darn.
The U.S. ambassador to Cambodia said that the reason Maddox
has not been granted a visa is because of strict regulations
due to the country's notorious illegal adoption trade. Which
is basically just an excellent excuse so the kid doesn't have
to grow up being subjected to genitalia piercing, or playing
with Anne Heche's offspring.
|
"What
happens if our own blood vials run low and we have
no baby to siphon off of? Give us Baby Maddox or I'm
quitting the biz and devoting my life to the Peace
Corps. "
|
It's official! After 18 months of brutal fighting, Israelis
and Arabs have finally agreed to a cease-fire. The détente
is scheduled to last from 8:29 a.m. Tuesday morning until
8:33 a.m. Tuesday morning.
If successful, the two sides say they would like to try for
five minutes sometime in the late 21st Century.
|
"I'd
like to sleep with you in the desert tonight, with
a billion guns all around..."
|
"Dennis, you do do ads," and you are...a whore just like all
the rest.
Kiss, Kiss
from Comedy Ave. |
|
|
|
"Russell
has a contract stipulation that no one can look him
in the eye without prior written permission. Therefore,
what are you doing here, Mr. Nash?"
|
After having his Humpty Dumpty poem edited from the British
Academy Awards, hopeful Oscar winner Russell Crowe has decided
that if he wins a Best Actor statuette at this week's Academy
Awards, he will try another poem altogether:
Hickory, dickory, dock,
The prick actor exceeded the clock…
|
"I
am not a boy! I prefer to be called 'Guido.'"
|
Backstreet
Boy, A.J. McLean met them "both" in a karoke bar just
before he entered rehab, and now the three loverbirds have decided
to tie the knot: McLean and Sarah Martin's two breasts.
McLean credits the two fine specimens for helping to keep him
sober while he was undergoing treatment for alcoholism and being
in a really shitty boy band.
Once out of rehab, McLean paid for a bigger enhancement and
hence, several more weeks sobriety. Soon, expect Martin to be
approaching Anna Nicole Smith status: breasts to her ankles
and rolling in the dough...the hoe. |
A Chinese student poured sulfuric acid on five bears in the
Beijing Zoo recently as part of an experiment to test their
intelligence. The bears passed the test with flying colors
when they ripped the 21-year-old electromechanical major's
arm off.
From his hospital bed, Liu Haiyang said, ''I wanted to test
whether or not they really are stupid.'' Afterwhich a nurse
stuck a hypodermic needle up his ass, just to "see if it would
hurt."
|
"Why
was that guy we had for lunch such a moron, daddy?"
|
|
The
British military apologized Monday for invading Spain over
the weekend... by mistake!
About 20 Royal Marines went slightly off course in an amphibious
exercise and stormed a Spanish beach Sunday morning near the
British colony of Gibraltar.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair received a phone call shortly
thereafter from President Bush, asking that the Brits--regarding
allied operations--stick to "tea-duty" from this
point forth.
|
"Oops,
our bad. Stiff upper lip, won't happen again. Carry
on. Do you perfer Earl Grey or Chamomile?"
|
|
|
No
More Sheep Porn For Terrorists?
|
The
defiant, alleged mastermind (name is something like Ahmad
7-11 Abdullah) of the kidnap-slaying of Wall Street Journal
correspondent Daniel Pearl warned Tuesday that Americans will
suffer if he is sent to the United States, shouting to bystanders
after a court appearance that, ''America will be finished
soon.''
Well, listen, Sheep Boy, if that is the case, who will be
on hand to distribute the bestiality videos to your people?
Think, you psychotic bastard, think. |
|
|
|
Shrink's
Qualifications: Survived abusive YMCA sports coaches; B.S.
Degree in Term Paper Composition For Jocks; member: Oprah
Book Club.
|
Patient:
Baseball player Ruben Rivera, alias-Error Prone.
Scoop: Once promising talent steals Golden Boy Jeter's bat
and glove and sells to sports memorabilia agent, gets released
by Yankees.
Analysis: Procreate with Winona Ryder, hatch model pickpockets
and hire a tutor named Fagin.
Patient: Duke Basketball player Reggie Love, alias-Tar Heel
Mascot.
 |
Scoop: A couple nights before the ACC tourney, this Dukie
benchwarmer was educated enough to be partying in a University
of North Carolina frat house! where he so generously passed
out, giving Tar Heel fans the much needed consolation prize
they were praying for after a dismal season. When the crazies
were finished coloring his face with pens, etc., one of
the Heel jokesters stepped up to the line and showed Love
how nuts he really was. Pictures found their way
to Coach K. and Love was suspended for the ACC tourney.
Analysis: Forget trying to hide for the rest of your life
in the NBDL, head directly to whatever production company
Ron Jeremy is working with.
Patient: Fox Television Execs, alias-Da Big Pimps.
 |
Scoop: After stooping to the lowest common denominator and
allowing poor Greg "Da Butcher" Brady, Vanilla "Bi-polar"
Ice, and Ms. Nose to get pummeled, expect the gang at Fox
to milk it for all its worth.
Analysis: At least if you are going to do it, do it right.
Next up: Rodney King vs. Chief Gates, Deepak Chopra vs.
Tony Robbins, Madam Cleo vs. Kenny Kingsley.
Patient: Former major leaguer Darryl Strawberry, alias-The
Straw. (Can't figure that nick name out!)
 |
Scoop: The man has been in trouble with the law so frequently
that Random House decided to release a photography book
of Darryl's mug shots entitled: "A New York Yankee in Marion's
County Court."
Recently Darryl chose to spend his big 4-0 in the pokey
after violating a no-sex-with-other-patients rule at the
drug-treatment center where he had been serving two years
of house arrest. The Straw now faces up to 18 months in
prison for violating his probation, which he has violated
five times.
Analysis: While you're in the Big House, A) sell your story
to Oz so you have enough money to buy smokes; B)
enroll in correspondence course, "Second Chances 101"; C)
diligently adhere to the no-sex-with-other-inmate rule;
D) Squeal! and blame it all on George.
Patient: ESPN, alias-the 24/7 Bobby Knight Pitch Network.
 |
Scoop: Teetered on turning away sports fans forever with
incessant promos.
Analysis: Kill sequel plans or expect to have a season on
the stink. Click your heels three times and repeat to yourselves:
"I am not a Hollywood movie studio, I am not a Hollywood
movie studio…"
Next! |
|
|
