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Rolling
Out the Welcome Mat
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We'd like to start out this week by welcoming our fine meddlesome
friends from the Treason Department-
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"Have
anything better to do than spy on us, you a-holes?"
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While
we're on the subject of one-finger salutes…
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"Nothing
like a little overexposure to prove to the peeps that
I am not Lavar Burton."
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The
Missile's Out of the Silo
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"We
nuke who we want to nuke, my friends. We are bad ass."
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It was revealed this week that the United States has contingency
plans to nuke seven countries if need be: China, Russia, Iraq,
North Korea, Iran, Libya, Syria, and anywhere that Mike Tyson
is allowed to fight next.
On Face the Nation Sunday, Colin Powell replied to
the plans, saying, "We are always reviewing our options."
He then went on to demonstrate the "Nuke Signal"
our fine president came up with…
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"Simon
sez, touch your nose."
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"There's
no hard feelings between me and her. WE have a normal
baby. And what does she have? Sad."
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Anne Heche and her husband Coleman Laffoon had a baby last
week! The lucky Hollywood child was named Homer. Not to be
outdone, Ellen Degenres got together with some of David Crosby's
sperm and named their offspring: Bart.
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Have
You Checked Out the
Horny Men's Club?
This week:
"Hookers: A Delicate Issue"
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"Once
again, I'd like to thank myself, for saving lives with
the work I do, and being so damn sexy."
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Before going off once again, because his poem was also cut at
the Australia Academy Awards, Russell Crowe phoned director
Malcolm Gerrie of the British Academy Awards to apologize for
his hooligan-ish behavior last week, asking him out for a pint
of Guinness. This time Crowe promised to skip the poem and head
right for his favorite song: "Ninety-nine bottles of beer on
the wall…"
The
40-year-old rocker, Sheryl Crow recently lashed out at promotional
campaigns for singers Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera,
saying: "They're being marketed like porn stars…the images
are sleazy…Where do you go after you're 19 and you've stuck
your crotch on every camera lens?" Like you don't know, Sheryl?
Maybe to the Grammy's, dressed just like, a-hem, a hoe? Sucks
to get old, huh, babe?
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"What?
I'm not a fine lady-like example? Oh, eat shit then."
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Sucks
to Get Old Unless...
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You're Anna Nicole Smith, who gets to get old with an $89-million
judgment. Money may not buy the gold-digger happiness, but
it most definitely will buy her a way to keep those humongous
bazookas from sagging.
A new song is currently being penned in honor of Anna: "Send
in the Titty-crane."
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"You
all wish you were me: Beautiful, rich, and stupid.
You don't think a stupid lady knows how to spend money?
Duh."
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It's March Madness, and you know what that means: Multiple
orgasms for Dick Vitale and a three-week pass for all married
jocks to sleep on the couch. |
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"I
am not, nor have I ever been, a murdering lecherous person.
A politician, maybe."
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Gary
Condit was easily defeated in the primary race for congressman,
ending his 30-year political career, proving that cheaters
never prosper…unless you happen to be a hard-working vice
president.
And while on the topic of Dick Cheney, a man was arrested
by the Secret Service after he was spotted on a Carlsbad,
California golf course wearing night-vision goggles at 3:00
a.m. The 33-year-old Steven Sprong claimed he was only playing
a round of golf, but now it can be revealed what the Secret
Service was really guarding: An all-night Fetish Ball starring...
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"They
only let me out of my underground hiding place once a
month, so yeah, you can bet I'm going to live it up while
I can."
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"You'd
be amazed where I get advice from, boys & girls."
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David Letterman, currently being wooed by ABC, sought advice
from a highly unlikely source: his very own stalker. The
33-year-old woman, who has been stalking him for years,
assured Dave that she would follow him to the "end's of
the earth." AKA: ABC, home of Mr. Toupee, Ted Koppel. Don't
give up hope, Ted. Play your cards right and some day you'll
have your own stalker, too. I have Barbara Walters on line
3… |
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"I
think I Love You...Not"
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| And
lastly, Shirley Jones, of Partridge Family fame, filed for
divorce recently in order to "C'mon get happy." Shirley
confessed that her idea of happiness was not being married
to comedian Marty Ingels, but rather, "Happiness for me
would include watching Danny stomp the shit out of Greg
Brady in Fox's Celebrity Boxing, and then a night out on
the town with him." Pressure's on, Oedipus. |
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