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The major networks announced their summer Reality shows last week, and unbeknownst to even the MPC (most pathetic celebrity) with a casting cause, the Ave was in the laboratory creating several monsters of our own:

"What are you waiting for?!?!? Rrrrrrrrrrread!"

"My Left Toe"

You think COPS is gritty? Wait'll see this one. Fresh from being proclaimed the Big Average in the playoffs, Sgt. Shaquille O'Neil takes to the streets of Baton Rouge in his wheel chair. Be part of the action as he rolls down perps and busts them for vicious crimes like jaywalking and Speaking English While Working at a 7-Eleven. Jim Gray hosts, and plays the role of "Barney Fife," while riding shotgun on the Big Lap.

"Castaway II"

Like Tom Hanks before him, Jeff Kent learns that -- when alone on a deserted island that executes more prisoners than the other 49 states combined --

It's best to make nice-nice with the nearest ball and pray that if it ever ends up in a body of water, the natives don't make a fuss over it and sell it on EBay -- along with the hand they sawed off to get it.
"I Left My Heart in San Francisco"

Note: Not the Jeff Kent Story (he only left a crusty jockstrap behind).

It's gut check time for Coach Steve Mariucci as he learns the hard way that -- when the only thing management can promise is the team playing on Thanksgivings -- he's in for only madness in the Motor City.

"The Banger Sisters"

After pummeling the competition for three straight seasons, the Williams' Kids get bored and decide to retire from the sport their dad loves and seek refuge in the next Jackie Chan movie -- with casting couch benefits, of course.


Villanova basketball players are forced to go to Summer School and learn new communications skills -- like the art of sending up smoke signals -- after phone privileges are revoked for using bogus calling cards in an attempt to channel test answers from the almighty
Carrot Top.
"The Virgin Suicides"

Follow the Los Angeles Clippers in the off season as, one-by-one, players look for ways to end not only their careers, but their lives after being seriously "tainted" by owner Donald Sterling.

"The First Temptation of LeBron"

Follow the "Second Coming" as He spends his summer preparing for the NBA. You'll love watching Him as He takes care of the real important things: Like finding a crib big enough to hold a posse of 111, trading in His Hummer for a Howser tank, and hooking up with a Sneaker Pimp to christen His new kicks...

"The Crooked, the Bad & the Ugly"

Former Georgia basketball coach Jim Harrick takes on all three parts in this demanding series that follows the downtrodden basketball man as he scours the land for one last, legit coaching opportunity. Episode 1 Highlight: Seeks reference from Kareem Abdul Jabbar while applying for coaching position on an Arizona Indian reservation.

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