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"I'm
telling you, there's no comedy in there."
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Wednesday
night during the Grammy's while host Jon Stewart was getting
strip-searched for a sign of anything funny (nothing doing
there), a source confirmed for us that, contrary to popular
belief, Bob Dylan WAS actually alive during his performance.
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"Knock-knock-knockin'
on heaven's door."
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The King of Rasp was then quickly returned to his coffin where
he will await his next blood transfusion, or a flashing from
Destiny's Child, to revive him.
Other Grammy news:
Bad news for the boy-banders: They weren't popular enough
to win any awards.
Good news: Still popular enough to scam on anyone under 15.
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"Yo,
baby, want a prom date?"
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"There's
more truth in one of my shroom trips than all of George
Bush's life"
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George W. Bush recently came under fire from Aaron Sorkin,
creator of NBC's West Wing. In a New Yorker magazine
interview, Sorkin said that the entire country, including
his own network, is pretending that George W. Bush is competent
and brave.
When reached for comment, Bush--on a little field trip--challenged
Sorkin to meet him after school behind the center field backstop;
where the president will proceed to appoint someone to bash
Sorkin's "shroom induced head in."
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Have
You Checked Out the
Horny Men's Club?
This week:
"Hookers: A Delicate Issue"
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|
|
|
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"I'm
too sexy for you, I'm..."
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...Not for much longer. If you got more than one or two LOL's
out of the premiere, you are high, DO NOT PASS GO, please
send all psychedelic drugs to…
Aaron Sorkin
c/o NBC
3000 W. Alameda Ave.
Burbank, CA. 91523
And while you're at it, send a LOL or two to:
Jon Stewart
c/o Comedy Central
1775 Broadway
N.Y., NY. 10019
And
I bet you're wondering if we here at Comedy Ave. are
watching
Survivor Marquesas? Nope. Wake us up when they finally
decide to do it right: Survivor N' the Hood.
Set 12 spoiled whiteys from Beverly Hills down in Compton
and let's just see them scurry to get out alive. Can you say:
ratings hike with African-American viewers?
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"Yo
what up, whitey? Welcome to da jungle."
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|
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Are
You Ready For Some...
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Heads to roll?
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"Turn
out the lights, my party's over
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ABC's MNF axed Miller along with Air Fouts, and Mr.
Diction-less Dickerson, welcoming the robust John Madden to
the booth to call the games with Al Michaels. And with the
new heightened safety measures at the network, I bet security
guards just can't wait to strip-search Madden. You'd be amazed
where the man can hide a chicken bone, let alone a gaseous
fuse.
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"You
can count on major explosions this year on MNF...BOOM!
And that's just from my Taco Bell."
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"Hehe,
I'm laughing all the way to the bank."
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Bill Gates
is still the richest billionaire in the world at 52.8 billion, despite
a 10 percent decrease from last year. Second place on the list is
Warren Buffet at 35 billion, and somewhere below that: Angola, with
a combined yearly income of a whopping 127 dollars. |
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| The
Houston Astros have paid 2.1 million dollars to Enron to buy
back the naming-rights to their stadium. The stadium, formerly
known as Enron Field, will now be called Astros Field until
another company steps up to the plate to purchase the name
from them. First in the running, Massengil Douche; proving
that there's only one way to flush out the pestilence. |
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"First
off, I would like to thank myself for being so talented."
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| Actor
Russell Crowe got testy at the British Academy Awards when
a poem he read was edited out of the show. Afterwhich, Crowe
pinned the director up against a wall and shouted at him:
"I don't give a f*ck who you are. Who on earth had the f*cking
audacity to take out the best actor's poem? You f*cking
piece of sh*t. I'll make sure you never work in Hollywood!"
Ooooh, I'll bet he'll never have the opportunity to work
at curing cancer like Russell either. Below is an excerpt
from the philosophical, deep poem that Crowe read: "Humpty
Dumpty sat on a wall…" |
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They
Shoot Horses,
Don't They?
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Well
how about faux-celebs?
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"My
show kicked your show's ass!"
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Just
when you thought FOX Television couldn't stoop any lower,
they announced their latest: Celebrity Boxing. First
up on March 13 is Danny Bonaduce vs. Barry Williams, then:
Tonya Harding vs. Amy Fisher. No bats, guns, bass guitars
or Teen Beat magazines will be allowed in the ring, just
hard-up has-beens clamoring for one more opportunity at
infamy. The winners receive all-expense paid trips to Don
King's hairdresser, and a last hurrah on the Weakest
Link: The Suicide Version. G'bye. |
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Speaking
of Weakest Links...
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| Ex-heart
throb and drug-riddled, Leif Garrett is back on the road,
touring small clubs with his band F8 (Fate, for any of you
who missed the clever word play). To which we can only reply:
WHY???? Fate says that Leif will soon stop touring clubs
and begin playing his favorite song: "Detox" at
a rehab center near you. |
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