As some of you may have heard, a Second Coming has
been confirmed. And we're not talking about what goes on
behind closed doors with Pee Wee Herman and Jeffrey Jones.
What we speak of is far holier than those two pedoschmucks
(but Pee, Jeff, if you're reading this, e-mail us, love
to see what you have). We come to you speaking of Messiahs.
Those special souls that have been chosen to lead us down
the path to the Promised Land. Or at least to the corner
store so we can bum a pack of smokes from them before we
are gagged with their SUV diesel fume as they drive away
from our meaningless lives forever. Ladies and gentlemen,
fresh from his career-high (52 point, 15 rebound and 36
babes) game, we give you the Most Heralded Basketball Player
since Danny DeVito: