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Skate-Gate
Takes Center Ice
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"Americans
no like anyone else on their Wheaties box."
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The
Olympics are over, which means one thing: Goodbye Russians,
fare thee well, may the toilet paper be with you, Cumbaya.
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"In
Russia, we have never heard of such corruption."
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The Reds were so incensed when one of their rollerskaters,
Irina Slutskaya--winner of a Silver medal--wasn't also awarded
a co-Gold medal along with American rollerskater Sarah Hughes
that they considered pulling out of the games early. Much
to Slutskaya's dismay, the only thing she was awarded was
a pap smear at a local Free Clinic.
It appears the only happy Russian was Slutskaya's boyfriend,
Sergei Rotchakokov, who was able to take full advantage of
the Olympic "Free Condom" policy.
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"Oh
No!" South Korea Whines, Too
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"All
Utahians praise Orin Hatch!"
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After crying "foul," because one of their skaters was disqualified,
giving American Apolo Ohno the Gold Medal, the South Koreans
say they plan to file a lawsuit in the United States district
court against the referees of Wednesday's Olympic 1,500 meters
men's short track speedskating event. However, the Koreans
did not go away empty-handed, they did receive a fabulous
consolation prize: George W. Bush on his Axis-of-Evil tour.
While out touring the demilitarization zone, Dubya was so
consumed with spying on North Korea that he failed to notice
one minor thing… |
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"Over
there, there are people who want to rip your head off and
crap down your neck, too."
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It
was clear that the protest bug was catching in Utah when Al
Gore showed up at the closing ceremonies demanding a Gold
Medal of his own.
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"My
name is Al Gore, and I used to be the next president
of the United States…Now I just curl."
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Mr.
Stiff was quickly booed off the stage, but left with some wonderful
parting gifts. With Utah being the most prevalent antidepressant
users in the United States, they offered him something which
should come in handy for the has-been: a lifetime prescription
of Xanax.
A shame he couldn't hook up with Noelle Bush a long time ago.
Gore's other consolation prizes were a compilation of N'Sync's
Greatest Hits and permission to plant a tree in the Utah city
of his choice. |
Ground
control to Major Lip Syncher...You are not cleared for flight.
We repeat: Not cleared for flight...False alarm for N'Stinker
Lance Bass who earlier in the week said he was the first boy-bander
to be invited into space. Apparently the Amsterdam-based space
company MirCorp mistook him for someone who actually has talent.
MirCorp then offered the space ride to two of their favorite
entertainers, Michael Jackson and his Elephant Man bones,
but because of severe dehydration problems, Mr. Bones will
not be available for take-off. Jacko then turned to his second
favorite freak... |
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"I
love your hair, I do."
"No, I love your hair."
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"Sorry,
Money Penny, dear, you'll have to carry on without me for
a spell."
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| Pierce
Brosnan was injured on the set of the latest Bond movie and
it will reportedly take him two weeks recovery time before shooting
resumes. To occupy herself, Money Penny has called in her favorite
stunt c*ck: B.O.B. Battery Operated Boyfriend. |
Have
You Checked Out the
Horny Men's Club
yet?
This week:
"Read Her Body Language"
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Who'se
Youse Callin' Freak?
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"I'm
gonna bite and fight, and lisp my ass off."
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| The
Mike Tyson watch is on in Washington D.C. after Mr. Teething
was cleared to fight in the city against Lennox Lewis. Lined
up to throw out the first line--which we can assure you won't
be "Are you ready to rumble?"--former D.C. mayor, Marion Berry.
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"I
have had a very hard life."
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| Darryl
Strawberry got good news this week when New York Yankee
head honcho George Steinbrenner invited the former major
leaguer and f*ck-up to be a player development coach. Which
means that the Straw will be available to teach minor league
players the finer points of hitting both a fast ball, and
on an undercover cop posing as Street Ho'. |
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"Wanna
be the fifteenth mother of one of my kids?"
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| Ladies
of Portland beware! Basketball player and Portland Jailblazer,
Shawn Kemp and his Illegitimate Child Disease are on the
loose again after being suspended by the NBA for violating
the league's substance abuse policy. If propositioned by
Mr. Kemp, ladies are cautioned to first administer mace
before phoning billionaire zoo-keeper Paul Allen to come
collect him. |
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"No
bobbing on this boy."
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| While
on the subject of sexual harassment, the Godfather of Soul,
James Brown was recently found not guilty of harassment
after it was proven that the plaintiff was definitely not
of sound mind. |
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"After
all that X, yeh, he was shaking it and looking fine."
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Dick Cheney is being sued by the General Accounting
Office in unprecedented legal action. The GAO is seeking
a list of executives from Enron and other energy companies
who met with the President's energy commission. George
W. Bush vowed that the White House will fight to "defend
Dick's fetish and Republican principles." To which
we reply: Principles? You ain't got no stinkin' principles! |
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