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"I
tried every trick I know to get him "up" for this.
No luck. Go figure."
|
The
Olympic spirit was alive and well this past week at the Winter
Games when roller skating-er-ah-ice skating beautifully followed
America's current trend of scandal after judges awarded the
Russians a Gold Medal after they were obviously outclassed
by the Canadian roller skating team of Sale and Pelltier…After
several days of counseling, with Andersen Consulting, it was
decided that the Canadians would also receive a Gold Medal
and an all-expense paid trip to the nearest polygamist's,
where they will be free to choose from the offspring of their
choice.
Multi-orgasmic play-by-play announcer Scott Hamilton was so
up in arms over the scandal that he had to be rushed to the
hospital to have his stomach pumped…and that's just for the
extra curricular activities he engaged in before the competition.
|
"Sometimes
I really do believe I can fly afterwards."
|
Along the way, a French judge was dismissed after it was revealed
that she was "persuaded" to vote for the Russians. We are
happy to report that Mr. Chug-a-lug, Scott Hamilton had nothing
to do with that particular persuasion.
Ok, so what's with the little teddy bears all these roller
skaters hold while waiting for the "judges" to weigh in? And
they call this a sport? Why not just call it what it really
is: Faeries on Ice.
You'd think that the hockey team would just love to have two
minutes in the rink with these fellahs. Think "Prison Bitch,"
with Scott Hamilton on hand to soothe fragile sphincters.
|
|
Dick
Cheney's Weekly Address:
|
|
"Although
I applaud the many people of Utah for putting on such wonderful
games, I have never been a polygamist nor do I ever intend
to. I am, however, very eager to join the Boy Scouts of
America."
|
The
Academy Awards had their own scandal this week when
In the Bedroom was nominated for Best Picture because
Academy voters--who rarely watch all the films they nominate--thought
the film was the 21st Century's Last Tango in Paris.
Little did they know that the way over-rated movie has no
sex and is a story about a son's murder and his father's subsequent
revenge. Oops. Just saved you nine dollars. |
| And
kudos go out to Sissy Spacek for getting nominated for a
Best Actress Award by playing one of the biggest one-note
bitches in recent memory. |
| Valentine's
Day has come and gone, which means single people now have
only 361 days left to find a date for next V-Tine's Day, and
people with "significant others" can go back to being the
emotionally unresponsive cold fish they are on the other 364
days. |
|
|
|
Naomi:
"I'm a Drug Addict!"
|
|
Naomi
Campbell is suing the tabloid The Mirror because they
divulged the fact that she is a drug addict and attends Narcotics
Anonymous. Which explains the razor-thin figure: All rice
cakes and cocaine will do that to anyone. Are you listening
Louie Anderson?
|
"If
Louie brought a gram over, I would do practically anything
for it."
|
I
have Mr. Anderson on line one...
The Mirror also reported that the chocolate diva is
prone to intense temper tantrums and often screams out not
for her "mommy" but her hair stylist, manicurist,
pedicurist, and headicurist all at once in four different
tongues: psychotic, maniac, prima donna, and Burt Bacharach.
While stating her case in court, Naomi let the world know
that, "I am a drug addict. I will always be a drug addict.
Once a drug addict always an addict." She forgot to mention
that she is also a raving bitch addict.
She went on to say that The Mirror's actions made her
feel "shocked, angry, betrayed & violated," before demanding
that the bailiff hand over her confiscated crack pipe before
she does an Exorcist on his ass.
|
|
"Do
you perhaps have a sister?"
|
| A
new nerd fad has hit the net and goes by the name of "Googlewhacking."
A participant types two words in a Google search engine line
with the hopes of pulling off a single search result. If the
Googlewhacker sees "Result 1-1 of 1" he wins. The game is
mainly played by down-and-out losers who have grown tired
of the poor results they've received from playing the old
game of... "Cyberwhacking." |
|
"I
am not Elton John. Just a nerd trying to get my whack on."
|
| Once
again, we were lucky enough to get a comment from our unidentified
7-11 correspondent: |
|
"Allah
does not believe in whacking of any kind. Therefore my balls
are almost as green as this t-shirt.."
|
|
And
Now a Word From our President
|
|
"I
do not care to know about his green balls. I have read Green
Eggs & Ham though. My top 5."
|
|
"He's
my top S.S. man. He even knows how to curl, beleve it
or not?"
|
Have
You Checked Out the
Horny Men's Club
yet?
This week:
"Read Her Body Language"
|
|
|
|
|
Save
the Aisle Seat, And Another City, for Me
|
|
"This
should prove to the world that I am a lover, not a fighter."
|
O.J.
"the Frogman" Simpson is getting set to host a Hip-hop show
in Cincinnati in an effort to show that there can be peace
in a city that was recently the site of the worst riots since
1968.
Simpson will toss out autograph footballs to concertgoers,
introduce the headlining acts, tell jokes ("Did you hear the
one about the cheating blonde coke sniffing biatch who got
her throat slashed?), and ask for a volunteer from the audience
so he can demonstrate the proper carving technique.
Rioting in Cincinnati took place after an unarmed black man,
wanted for a misdemeanor charge, was shot dead while fleeing
armed white cops. Is there any other kind?
Unfortunately, for the victim, he couldn't afford to make
his escape in a white Ford Bronco. |
And
while we're on the subject of race relations, MSNBC apologized
for a typographical error after adding an accidental 'g'
to a man's name (Niger Innis) they were interviewing about
the Enron case. Innis, who is black, replied, "Oh, God,
I thought you guys thought I was a rapper or something,
or Johnny Cochran," who himself called Innis shortly after
the incident to see if he wanted to press charges.
Nigger-excuse us-Niger refused to file charges, but plans
to go into the recording studios soon to record his debut
effort: "They Called Me Mr. N." |
|
"I
tip my hat to all you non-evil doers of the world."
|
| President
George W. is off on a tour of Asia spouting his "axis of
evil" rhetoric. One of those points of evil, North Korea,
says that our fearless leader is "the most evil and war-crazed
president in the history of the U.S." But here at home,
we just call him "cowboy." |
|
"That's
my smurfy-worfy."
|
| And
to Mama Smurf Bush: Yes it's too late not to let your son
grow up to be a cowboy, but could you possibly enroll him
in an after school tutoring program?
|
| Your
reign as the self-appointed Queen of Sham is over, Miss
Cleo. Cleo and her gang of hucksters are not only being
sued by 8 states but the Federal Government as well. The
organization has had 6 million callers since 1999 and made
over $400 million. Although it appears that the only 8 balls
Miss Shyster is going to be looking at are four crooked
prison guards, there was one piece of good news for her:
she didn't invest in Enron. |
|
"I
am not Satan. Am not, am not, am not."
|
| While
on the subject of sex and prison, the only thing left
for us to say is, "Kenny meet Bubba... |
| "Bubba…say
hello to Kenny." |
|
|
