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Run
For Cover
the Mormons are Coming
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"It's
a blizzard out! Let's go get some free condoms and screw!"
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Free
condoms have been provided to athletes at every Olympics since
1992, but in Utah, the idea is drawing as much fire as another
Austrian on steroids. (Gee, like any American male is ever
going to win a medal in skiing.)
Enter a local anti-abortion group that is planning a five
day protest during the games. The group of 55 are promoting
sexual abstinence and say, "We want to expose the horrific
realities of abortion, tie in our message of chasity and tell
people that condoms are just not safe." Especially when
baby-hungry Utes are poking holes in them.
The group (aka the McMillan family) would like to dedicate
their performance at these games to their dearly departed
father-- Hortense McMillian III who will forever be remembered
in Utah for his good looks, Mormon spirit, and 57 children.
When the leader of the group, 33rd and last daughter, Brandi
Hatch-McMillian was asked to compare Osama bin Laden with
her father, she replied testily, "Our father was nothing
like Osama bin Laden. At least he knew where approximately
33 of his kids were at all times." So do we: Getting
ready to be knocked-up by their father. |
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Flying
the Not-So Friendly Skies
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| After
yet another wacko was thwarted on a United Airlines flight
from Miami to Buenos Aires, the airlines has announced that
they are changing their slogan from "Fly the Friendly
Skies" to "We Have Axes, and We Will Bash Your Friggin'
Head in if Necessary." |
A
Roman Catholic priest who has been ministering to workers at
the WTC had asked that the public boycott Arnold Schwarnznegger's
new film because he says it exploits the 9-11 tragedy.
The American public responded by making the film Numero Uno
over the weekend, proving that respect for anyone but crooked
politicians, fire fighters or cops these days is about as likely
as the Pope in Playgirl.
When he received his copy of the Daily Variety, and saw
the box office for the weekend, the Rev. Brian Jordan of the
Church of St. Francis of Assisi said that he wishes Schwarzenegger
can be sent back to the shop for de-programming. It looks like
the reverend will get his wish evidenced by Terminator III
which debuts later this year. |
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V.P.B.D.S.M.
Dick Cheney's Movie Review:
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"Honestly?
I don't find anything wrong with Arnold or this movie. In
fact, I'd like nothing more than to jump on the back of
his Harley and escape this whole Enron mess forever. Trek
out to the desert and roast weanies over a nice hot fire."
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Another
movie hit the boards this week and is not doing as well as
Collateral Damage, for obvious reasons: It's STAR.
Big Fat Liar, starring Attorney General John Ashcroft,
opened weakly after it was revealed that Ashcroft's follow
up to Bush's $48 billion push for more defense spending was
all a scare tactic and...a big fat lie.
A day after Bush's State of the Union pep rally, Ashcroft
spread word that "Terrorists are planning to attack our
nuclear plants," previous information that had already
been discounted in November!
In a related story, the makers of Viagra are recalling all
of the Attorney General's V-pills, because they claim it is
not only turning his wife's you-know-what to moosh, but his
brain. Can you say Alzheimer's?
Ashcroft
did add one more scary tip to the pit when he warned State
colleges that Britney Spears is contemplating applying to
them.
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State
Colleges On
Your Marks...
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"I
think I can wear this outfit to college, yes. Especially
if I get into Central Florida State or Monmouth in New Jersey."
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In
response
to the prospect of going to college, the former Mickey Mouseketeer
and graduate of Dr. Sheinbaum's office in Beverly Hills, said,
''I've really, really been thinking about doing that.'' Ms.
Spears who has been brilliantly home-schooled since she was
nine went on to say, ''I thought maybe when I finished this
movie Crossroads, I could explore it.'' The possibility
has frat boys nation-wide pulling out more than their books.
For a response re: Brit's whim, we went out on the town and
conducted an interview with an unidentified 7-11 employee:
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"Yes,
she should go to college, because I think music she makes
stinks! Give me a bagpipe and a camel and I will show you
music."
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Believe
it or not, this very website got massive hits this past week
when thousands of people found us by searching for "Clay
Henry" on Google. (Yes, Big Brother is watching you kinky
f*cks.) So for that, Clay Henry, we salute you. You're a hero
in our eyes...and no longer a big fat eye-sore.
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"Do
I think Clay Henry is a hero? You're
damn right I do. He was once this wide...
and now he's fighting fires, saving lives.
What would you call him?"
"Um,
an actor."
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We
Don't Need No Stinking Birth Control
|
| Almost
one in four U.S. teens and young adults reported having unprotected
sex while using alcohol or drugs, a recent national survey
said. |
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"This
is soooo boring.
God, what I wouldn't give to have
a fuzzy navel and get laid right now."
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Twenty-three
percent of sexually active people surveyed, aged 15 to 24,
representing about 5.6 million nationwide, reported mixing
unsafe sex with drinking or drugs. Nine percent of those
said they mixed unsafe sex with drinking, drugs and driving.
Three percent of those admitted their parent's car was uncleanable.
The
new survey also found that teens 15 and older who drank
alcohol were seven times more likely to have intercourse
than those who did not drink, while those who took drugs
were five times more likely. Both groups were 57 times more
likely to have intercourse with their fathers...if they
lived in Utah. |
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"I
at least graduated from high school
before I got knocked up, young lady!"
"But it's daddy's!"
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The
survey also went on to say that Marijuana is just as harmful
as harder drugs because it is 11 times more likely to influence
use of those harder drugs if no dope was smoked at all.
We here at Comedy Ave did our own research: |
| Immediately
upon publishing our findings, we got a phone call from Woody
Harrelson, who was somewhere in Humbolt County. |
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"I
do dope, and look at me? Nothing wrong here."
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Unless
of course you consider A) Woody's brain straight: Cheers
and a gazillion dollars, and B) Woody's brain on drugs:
Spending his life traveling around in a hemp-powered Volkswagen
van publicizing da hemp and snacking on granola with Tree
People, while crapping in compost-only-toilets.
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White
Men Still Can't Jump
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"I am not offering a secret
potion for white men."
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| This
Tuesday the new Air Jordan XVII debuts at an affordable
$200. Packed in a metallic silver briefcase and accompanied
by a $10-million national ad campaign, the shoe--which
Jordan was wearing when he missed the break-away dunk
in the all-star game--offers no answer for the "white
man's disease," only enough money to keep Juanita
and His Airness' five mistress' happy for life. |
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