|
Ho,
Ho, Ho, He's Magic...
|
 |
|
"They
had better get their houses in order!"
|
The president got tough this week beginning with his State of
the Union Address, in which he surprisingly didn't make one reference
to Osama bin Laden. He did make one to Ted Kennedy, and it had
nothing to do with the two of them taking a dip in the Potomac
together.
Dubya showed that he had that magic it quality when he
gushed with unbridled confidence, "Right now our country is in
a war, an economic recession, and facing unprecedented danger.
Yet our State of the Union has never been stronger!" Um, ok, if
you say so, George. But when can we see the rabbit, George? Huh,
George?
The next day the Prez was off on a pep rally tour of the states,
where he repeatedly warned Iran, Iraq, and North Korea that Big
Brother is watching and considering opening up a big ole' can
of Texas Whoop Ass on them. Film executives at 20th Century Fox
were so impressed with Dubya's display of machismo that they immediately
phoned his agent with a movie offer.
 |
Mr. Not Stopping the Funk also said that every American should
volunteer for two years of service (4000 hours) in their lifetime
to help assist our country. No Enron employees lined up for this
one, but Shaquille O'Neil did. Rest assured that the Big Aristotle
won't be asked to pull any punches from his arsenal.
"Ya
know, Shaq, you punch like a girl."
"How
about I shove this ball up your ass, George?"
|
Just so America is 100% clear on this Enron thing, Agent 003 Dick
Cheney has absolutely nothing to hide. We repeat, nothing to hide…
|
"I'll
sneak this one by them."
|
...Unless
you count his honorary member-ship in the National Backdoor Biker
Club.
|
Personal
Ad:
Very powerful SGM seeks discreet S& M Harley fun
|
|
They
All Wish They Could Be Jesse's Girl
|
"God would like you on your knees."
|
And
you know V.P. Cheney has got to be shaking in his leather after
he saw who is on the case. But have no fear, The Reverend is
only holding hands in unity with Enron employees because he
sees one thing: Another possible white woman to add to his flock.
|
"Don't
worry we slipped
Reno some more GHB."
|
Dubya was so ecstatic this week, that someone else's daughter
screwed up for a change, that he flew to Florida for just one
hug with his brother, Jeb.
Jebthro was in high spirits--probably because he feels he has
the fainting Janet Reno whooped in the gubernatorial race--despite
the recent bust of daughter Noelle.
|
"Vote
for my dad.
He's a role model. Yeh."
|
The outgoing and gorgeous looking Noelle Bush was popped after
trying to pass off a phony prescription for Xanax at an all night
pharmacy. Ms. Bush claims she needed the drug because she was
having a panic attack, but an unnamed 7-11 employee reported that
the Governor's daughter was frequently seen in the 7-11 parking
lot attempting to push pills on teenagers who had one too many
Red Bull's in them.
|
"I
not condone selling Xanax in my parking lot, Absolutely
no."
|
Copycat
Olympian
|
"A
tampon for my trophy?"
|
Getting in the Olympic spirit and pulling her own Winona Ryder,
former Olympic Gold Medalist, Olga Korbut was arrested on charges
of shoplifting $19 worth of items from a supermarket in Norcross,
GA. But no jewelry for Olga, only plenty of extra mini-tampons.
Is
Clay Henry--inspired by Jared!--deserving of a heroes welcome?
Or is he deserving of being strapped to a chair and fed a live
buffalo while the rest of us "burger and fry" folks rejoice
in watching him balloon all over again. Warning to Subway: Get
a new song before we find Clay Henry and Jared and start shoving
subs up their asses.
|
She's So Fine...
Doo
Lang, Doo Lang
This
just in: Rosie O'Donnell is coming out! No way! Say it ain't so.
With a bod like that? In honor of the very special moment in time,
Congress voted to have the day declared a national holiday: The
Day Rosie Broke a Million Men's Hearts. We have Ellen Degenres
on line 2…
 |
|
"I
at least graduated from high school."
|
Does
Meg Ryan have a clever stalker or what? John Michael Hughes,
30, was arrested and charged with unlawful entry after he broke
into a home not owned by Meg herself, but Andrea and Tomas Ryan
(no relation), showing that this guy has the potential to be
a future 411-er.
Hang
Down Your Head
Mike
Tyson...
|
Go
figure, Nevada said no to "Airhead" Mike's request for a fighting
license, losing millions of dollars in revenue, and causing
Bugsy Siegel to roll over in his grave. Now "Lisping" Mike is
trying for Los Angeles, and the only thing that stands between
"Carnivore" Mike and the fight going on at the Staples Center
is a dentist and the Sizzler All You Can Eat Ear Bar.
|
I'll
Give My Own
Regards to Broadway
|
|
"Forgot
Dollyworld you seniors, come to NYC."
|
Jesse
"The Doofus" Ventura will not be one of those on hand if the
Tyson/Lewis fight should go down. Instead, Mr. Mind will be
in NYC preparing for the biographical musical, The Body Ventura.
Songs include: "Do You Like the Rolling Stones?" "The Heart
is a Muscle," "Hooyah," and "You're Different." Producers
have plans to add one new number, "Now That Giuliani is Gone,
Send in the Freaks."
Everyone
here at Comedy Ave. was overjoyed last week when it was announced
that Britney Spears is going to make her film debut in the movie
Crossroads. In her role, the perpetually perky pubescent
pop princess does something she's never done before: She gets
really pissed off. Oh gosh, no. Mothers hide your daughters,
because she's gonna say stuff like ''I'm so sick of the two
of you bitching and fighting every damn second of the day!''
Enthralled, we can only think of one word: Nomination…to the
PMS Hall of Fame. You go girl.
|
|
