Our hard-working president took enough time out from mastering his "activity skills" to draft the State of the Union Address which he plans to "de-articulate" on Tuesday. In his speech, the president plans to ask for one thing: Mo money.


George Dubya plans to open his arms and ask congress and the American people, not only for enough money to buy a Lego set he has had his eye on, but for $48 billion more in military spending, the biggest increase in two decades. Mr. Bush adamantly declared, ''America must not rest until every terrorist group of global reach has been found, stopped and defeated.'' Which we can all agree on.

The part that may be a little hard to fathom is the $40 million that will be allocated out to Arnold Schwartznegger for his next two installments of Collateral Damage.


Mr. Bush also said that if there is any money left over, it will go to locating Yasser Arafat a new turbin, one that withstands the pressure of six-feet of dirt on top of it.

Just a Snack Food?

Because the Taliban couldn't afford to hand out enough cyanide capsules for everyone, American Tali, John Walker when recently asked what he wanted for a snack, replied with a smirk, "Pretzels?"

 

A convicted felon serving 14 years in a California prison said he felt like royalty after he was given a heart transplant -- an operation which could cost taxpayers as much as $1 million. Adversaries of the "act of compassion" quoted a song by the 70's rock group America in their argument:

"Oz never could give nothing to the Tinman / that he didn't already have…"

Suggesting, Why not just let the dirtbag die with what he already had.

There's Always One on the Block

And on a personal note, going out to anyone ignoramus who still has their Christmas lights up: You have been very bad, a complete a-hole, Santa is not coming, take your friggin' lights down and spare the rest of us on the block from all your wife's ho, ho, hoing.

The new phenom and teenage golfer, Ty Tryon has an 11-member entourage with him while he plays on the PGA Tour. The personal peanut gallery includes: Two swing coaches, a yoga instructor, a tutor (by phone), an image consultant, a caddie, a sports psychologist, an agent, and two massage therapists. All he needs now is an intern and a crack dealer and he'll be ready to run for public office.

Another Bites the Dust

The Ear Hunter, Mike Tyson was at it again this week in a press conference to announce a fight with heavyweight champion, Lennox Lewis. In the fracas, the only thing Tyson's teeth could come up with was an ankle. And he said he'd let his fighting speak for itself? When's the hair pulling start?

Look for "airhead" Mike's request for a boxing license to be turned down on Tuesday, followed by a court date for yet another sexual assault charge, which can only translate into one thing: Prepare Cell Block C, Mr. Warden.

They Finally Get What They Deserve

The girls at Sex in the City were ecstatic last week at the annual Golden Globes when they all got a firm grip on their trophies.

 

 

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