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No
More Beating Around the Bush, Enron-Gate is Here
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When asked how big a pile of dung he and a few of his close pals
are in over the recently revealed Enron Scandal, George W. Bush
responded eloquently when he said, "Ahhhh…this much?"
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When
prodded further about his "problem,"
Bush,
referring to the difference between himself and Bill Clinton's
"problem" with Monica-Gate, replied, "Mine's only about this
big..."
"But
don't misunderestimate how I can use it. I say it before and I
say it again: it's quality, not quantity."
Hours later a photo was leaked from unnamed sources--Deep Throat
II?--of Bush being corralled by recent winner of the annual Worst
Dressed List, host of the Weakest Link, Anne Robinson...
Mistress Anne, who was described by self-proclaimed fashion
cop Mr. Blackwell as looking like Harry Potter in drag, may
be just getting ready to administer the Heimlich maneuver.
Former ice skating champion, Brain Boitano was dropped from
his appearances on Showtime's Queer as Folk after executives
weren't happy with his appearance in a recent Jack n' the
Box commercial. Executives were worried that Boitano is sending
the wrong kind of message to their viewers by appearing out
in the "bush," hunting with former crackhead and football
star, Lawrence Taylor. Number one, they believe that Boitano
shouldn't be advocating any kind of bush, and two, the only
hunting for crack he should be doing is on their television
show.
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Charlie
Sheen has allegedly sworn off his bad boy hooker habits, burned
all the old bed sheets, and asked for actress, Denise Richards'
hand in connubial bliss. The couple plans to wed in Vegas with
none other than Heidi Fleiss as a bridesmaid. They then plan to
honeymoon in Amsterdam so Sheen will feel right at home should
he get the itch to go out for a smoke or fellatio.
Sheen
offered to give his Little Black Book to Michael Jordan as a testament
that his wild man days are behind him. His Airness, who has bunk
troubles of his own after wife Juanita recently filed for divorce,
declined to comment, but did turn around and score 54 and 49 points
on consecutive nights, leading to speculation that the Black Book
is helping Supermike get back to his original form-when groupies,
hookers and 50 point nights were as common as black guys in the
NBA.
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Bleeth Powdering Her Nose
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Former
Baywatch star, Yasmeen Bleeth was recently sentenced to two
years probation on cocaine charges. In addition, the judge also
ordered her to undergo regular drug tests, serve 100 hours of
community service, pay court costs, and stop appearing in any
television show that doesn't include her wearing a bikini.
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Lord,
Can You Get Me an Honest Review
Just in case you haven't yet seen the first installment of the
trilogy, Lord of the Rings, you should know that critics
(at least one from the Northwest Cable Service) are calling it
"the best film of the millennium," while other's (at least one
from the Palookaville Free Press) are calling it an "epic of life
shattering proportions," while we here at Comedy Ave. are calling
it what it really is: F*cking long. We're also calling it: Wallet-rapingly
painful with homosexual undertones.
Hey, a movie without an end, that you have to wait two more years
for an outcome and spend the interim buying the books, merchandise,
videos, action figures, and watching as at least two of the cast
members most likely get busted for a felony or have a nervous
breakdown… Let's all rush out and buy our advance tickets for
Parts II & III now!
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Mr.
Potato Head is in, as is the Hula Hoop, Barbie, the Slinky, and
even Silly Putty has made it to the National Toy Hall of Fame.
But not Raggedy Ann. The floppy doll with reddish yarn hair, candy
heart and red-striped legs has been rejected four times by a panel
that selects who goes into the hall. A fifth vote will be announced
on March 27, and if Raggedy Ann doesn't make it this time she
has vowed to accept the invitation to join the Midol Hall of Fame,
where she will be inducted in by members of HBO's Sex in the
City.
Samantha:
"Oh, come on Carrie, it's for a good cause. Isn't she one
of your favorite role models?"
Carrie: "Me and Denise Richards, Anne Robinson, and Yasmeen
Bleeth. Yippee."
Amanda: "Oh, get over it. Aunt Flow's coming whether you
like it or not."
Samantha: "Speak for yourself, honey."
Charlotte: "Trey says I never rag."
(Eye rolls all around)
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